Ya'aburnee

PART I (Chapter 1)

Chapter 1: My personal Death-Sentence

CIA

The demons on my shoulders own me and they lead me right into abyss.

I stare into foreign eyes in the broken mirror. They're too dark and empty to be mine or to be those of a human. There's blood dripping down my chin from the corner of my mouth and when I look down at my hand, I'm surprised to see pieces of shattered glass cutting into my bloody palm.
Or maybe not surprised at all.
I know the drill by now.
And call me a buzzkill but this is as much fun as I'll let them have with me from now on.

I close my eyes, grip tightening around the glass until I feel its rough and sharp edges digging into my skin. The physical pain is nothing compared to the mental pain when in the process of trying to gain control back over your own self. It's like the weight of a feather against the weight of a stone.

Demons are damn stubborn creatures.

But so am I, as I've learnt to be, and when I look back into the mirror seconds later, it's toothpaste foaming my mouth, not blood.
It's a toothbrush in my hand, not shattered glass.

Before I know it, I have rinsed my mouth out and am shutting the door to the bathroom, silently telling the creatures on my shoulders to kindly leave me in peace.

I haven't quite gotten to the "please" part yet.
I am not so sure about begging demons.
And besides, my brain doesn't drown in enough delusion to believe this word could ever even be part of a demon's vocabulary.

VII

I am used to the eerie silence. It doesn't make shivers run down my spine or my hair stand on its end in fear anymore. It's so quiet and mute, you would think the silence harbored all kinds of secrets and surprises; that despite its stillness, it isn't empty.

I used to be afraid of the unknown it carried but now I find peace in the deafening silence.

It's five in the morning, I am sitting alone in the dark kitchen and the house is dead.

Two people sleep in the floor above me in peace and quiet, bodies in this building but their minds too far away, either turned off, caught in a dream, or possibly a nightmare.
If only I could be plagued by a dreadful dream right now instead of having to suffer through this silence.

Today, I don't find peace in it.
Today, the silence doesn't talk, doesn't tell the truth like I've come to learn it always does.

For the first time in ages the silence is just simply what its name already suggests.
Silent and empty.

And out of the 365 days in the year, of course, it chose today as the day to turn its back on me.
As if it knew what I would be up to and decided to steal the space it always gave me to escape in.

I am not alone this morning, not really, and the thought seems out of place in my mind but I wish I had the company of someone or something else. Anything will do really as long as it is able to distract me.
Distract me really damn well.
What I want to escape can't be escaped.
My mind.
My thoughts.

They're a part of me but they're killing me.
They have been for days now.
My thoughts have no mercy on their owner.

I want to kill my mind. But even turning it off is out of the question and I'm left with no other choice but to bear through the voices as they pour poison into my mind and I drink it like the biggest fool.

Why is the silence quiet?
Why is it not telling me that what I plan on doing will get me nowhere but into my own grave?

My plan exceeds the unthinkable. It's beyond that. I need a reasonable voice now more than ever.