Opening Doors

Chapter 10- Basic Training, final phase...

In life, we have opportunities to pursue our dreams and strive for what we love and believe in. We do what we can to make these dreams come true. The only real thing stopping us from truly accomplishing these dreams, is ourselves. Maybe we don't believe we can do it. Maybe we don't believe others can do it. But words are like venom, you say the wrong thing, and someone's whole life can change. Words impact us more than we realize. They are things that go in our ears and stay, regardless, if we choose to believe them or not. The fact of the matter is, we choose what to believe. We are fully in charge of our own destiny. We choose whether to fight for what we love or to settle for a lesser life. This is a hard truth, but we shape our destiny. We choose which direction to go. But what if I tell you, there is no wrong way to go? What's destined for us will not pass us by. Some routes take longer than others, but what's meant to be, is meant to be. I mean, you can fight your destiny, or you can accept it and take the lesson that is a blessing to you. Every bad thing can be seen as a good thing. Because all things help us grow one way or another. Here's my chapter where I fought my destiny... but I hats meant for you is meant for you... and you can't fight it.

So, it was the first week of blue phase... we were training for Ramagen and battle buddy live fire and ... the ACFTs... I was nervous, yes, the last ACFTs and since then, I still couldn't lift a damn deadlift "the right way" Ang was starting to worry because we were the two that did the worst on the ACFTs. I told her, "Just don't think about it, we're going to know if it out!" See I was getting closer and closer to the 140, I knew I could do it, as long as people didn't notice the position of my feet... my back was straight now and I could lift it. I was spending every night trying to make sure I could do it. (Well, sneaking it, because the truth was I wasn't allowed to lift over "25lbs" This was only until the ACFTs and then I could, but I HAD to be ready. And I was doing great! I knew I could throw the 10lb ball in my sleep, that was nothing, the leg tuck, I was actually starting to be able to do it!! Maybe I'd luck out and get someone that would let me hang there instead, this time. Either way, I was going to mention it.

I was writing Moon every day... I was telling him how nervous I was getting. I also decided to write a letter about how I actually felt. See, I would write a shit ton of letters to him and would throw out 3/4th of them, because I was angry and writing how pissed off at him I was. I found myself yelling at him for forgetting my birthday. (Though, now I know he said he didn't know, but he says a lot of things, and it would check out that he wouldn't know if I really consider it, but the truth was, I know I had mentioned my birthday before to him. And recent events make me feel like... he could have made some effort outside the birthday thing. Truth was, he wasn't making much effort for anything...) I actually included this stuff in a letter I released all my feelings toward him in. I told him how breadcrumbing me wasn't cool, and I deserved more than that. I deserved better. I gave and gave and I even said that it was partially my fault. I was over giving and that was basically me self-sabotaging things and purposely pushing him away because I was scared to lose him. I told him what I wanted out of life, how I still wanted kids and he wanted to find my one true love. The stuff I didn't say is I saw that with him. I already felt embarrassed for expressing that I loved him and felt I scared him with it, so I refused to say it again. I would subliminally write it in letters and packages and shit, but I would never directly say it. (I still really can't, I have to write it like "love ya man" or something saying the exact words hurt...) I basically told him I wasn't going to stand for being an option and not the choice anymore. I told him all these things and the last letter I sent him, I apologized for that letter and pretended that I didn't mean the last letter. Actually expressing how I actually feel/felt, is difficult for me. I was scared of the eggshells I may have stepped on.

Well, that week practicing for the grenade throw, the buddy live fire and the ACFT, I had one particular morning that probably fucked up my dreams for good... I sat there puking on the sidelines, in pain while we were doing our morning drills. I was sent to the doctor... AGAIN! And there I was sitting there trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why now? Why now would I be getting sick to my stomach, I'm so damn close to finishing I don't want to give up now. But that's how life is, unexpected, right? You don't expect to get sick and not make it through a drill. Today was an important day, too. This was the final practice for Ramagen. I mean, we had been doing it all week and I was able to practice. What I didn't know is my drill sergeants were aloof to what my profile had until I got sick... if I wouldn't have gotten sick, I probably could've kept going on. Nope. I was now restricted from basically everything because I couldn't "lift over 25 lbs" having the plates and my weapon added up to 27 lbs... so I wasn't allowed to do ramagen... and was not allowed to complete a requirement for graduation... I was now going to have to get recycled or discharged... I was furious... mainly at myself. If I would have just held it together and didn't get sick, I would have been able to keep going and finish's this last week strong... I was literally a week away from graduation, and now I couldn't graduate with my class. That stung. The worst part is they kept me there training with them the whole last week, training with them, but not allowed me to do the actual things. Watching... one little day and that changed the whole thing... well, I now knew I was getting recycled, so several times they sent me paperwork for going back to start blue phase over. It was finally when my platoon left for the Forge that they started transitioning me. The craziest part, though, we still were there with them during this whole process of the forge. We were at each of their stations, sleeping outside at night in the cold, rain, preparing their ammo for one of the things required. I watched them do all these things and I was sooo proud of them.