SOLD! To the Player On the Back Row.

SOLD! To the Player On the Back Row. [#1]

I can honestly say I’ve never been so nervous in my life.

And I’m an attention seeker!

But this was different – when you are forced into attention, it’s weird. It’s nerve-wracking. It’s scary.

Everyone looked over as I reluctantly tapped my spoon against my glass. All expectant eyes waiting for the most heart-warming speech they’ll ever here. The best man had already spoken – all he had to do was slur his spectacularly dull speech and he had the audience laughing at his intoxication. But I wasn’t drunk. And if I screwed it up, I will most definitely remember it the next day... and a few days after that...

I cleared my throat, “Hello,” I said quietly. C’mon Feebs, you’ve practiced this in your mirror so many times! “I’m so glad everyone’s here to see my beautiful sister get married to the love of her life.” Awws echoed around the room as they looked adoringly at the newlyweds. The only person without a smile on their face was, ironically, my sister, Lisa. Because, that comment I made was heart-warming...

And she knew I wasn’t a heart-warming person.

She looked at me tensely, expecting worse to come and I must admit, she was right. “We thought she was a lesbian, if I’m being honest,” I gazed over to my parents chuckling, and so was everyone else – perfect! I got butterflies in my stomach as my confidence grew.

“We did,” I carried on with a smirk, “I’m pretty sure Nana Thornton nearly had a heart attack when she met Ben,” I turned my ‘serious’ eyes to my sister, who was both laughing and mortified at the same time, to say, “I would say this is your last chance to tell us, Lise, to not live a lie. But you’re married now so you’re stuck with a love pump instead of a honey pot.”

Some young people gasped wondering how I had the nerve to say that in front of so many family and friends – but like, 70% were old. I doubt they knew the slang for both male and female sexual organs.

“But in all seriousness,” I said with a positive smile, “Thank you all for coming. For all of you who don’t know me, I’m Phoebe and I’m pretty much the best person in the room.” People liked that one, “And because I’m so amazing,” I said, looking over to my sisters new husband, “Ben? I have some advice.”

Ben smirked at me, relieved I was digging into my sister and not him. “If you’re stuck on getting her a present for Valentine’s Day, Christmas or her birthday, get her a McDonalds. It’s cheap and easy... like her,” I said, causing Lisa to bury her hands in her face laughing. She hated McDonalds... and she certainly wasn’t easy. “If you want to make her happy, buy her a box-set of Star Trek because she’s secretly a fan and has a huge thing for Spock which leads me onto my next point: Do not be surprised if she ever asks you to dress up as Spock in the bedroom.” Hmm... My parents seemed to be the only one who didn’t laugh at that one... MEH can’t win them all.

“And the last point,” I said softly, “is treat her well otherwise I will hurt you. She is the sweetest person I’ve ever met and she’s my best friend.” I wiped away a tear from my eye and then decided to use it as evidence as I said, “And I may look girly but I am a NINJA with a crowbar.” People laughed, people cried, people clapped. “Thank you, ladies and gents – I’ve been Phoebe Thornton.”

My sister stood up with tears in her eyes and gave me a warm hug. We lingered there for a few seconds, probably trying to compose ourselves before we pulled away.

I was about to say something lame like, ‘I love you so much!’ but she spoke first.

“Well,” she said, sniffing, “now I don’t feel as guilty anymore.”