Telling Elliot

Part 5

"He untied one of my hands and emptied the revolver except for one chamber. He said he would be a gentleman and go first. He pointed the gun at his head, and I told Amelia to look away. He said death was not to be afraid of, I told him that he was going to hell, then he pulled the trigger making me jump as it clicked" Olivia held a finger gun to her head demonstrating for them "He slid it across the table to me and told me to pick it up. I thought about shooting him, but he said if I tried that, he would shoot me and then it would just be him and Amelia. I couldn't risk that. I picked it up, but I couldn't pull the trigger. He pointed his gun at Amelia, so I pointed the gun in my hand at my head...and I pulled the trigger. I didn't want to die" she told them "He took the gun back and he said that even if he did shoot himself no one would believe me, then he pulled the trigger again. We heard you guys outside that's when he turned on the radio. He wanted to taunt us all, to show off how clever he was. I picked up the gun again and Amelia started crying, he told me to pull the trigger...and I did. He took the gun back and I told Amelia to look away again. He pulled the trigger, and it was empty, the bullet should've been mine. He pointed the gun at me and told me to say goodbye before he switched the radio off. He told me that this was the last thing I was going to be thinking about before I died. He grabbed my face and...and I was ready to die but he put the gun to his head, and I watched as he shot himself at point blank range" she told them "The odd thing is that when his blood covered my face all I felt was...relief. I would've liked to have beaten him to death five times over but having him bleed out on the table where he raped me felt good too" Olivia admitted coldly "Amaro untied me from the table and took me to the hospital, he didn't leave me. They took pictures and blood, but I told them I wasn't raped, and they trusted me to tell them if I was, so there wasn't a rape kit taken. When he went to check in with the others, I snuck out of my room to check on Amelia and I told her that if anyone asked, Lewis didn't rape me. I told her to lie, and she did" Olivia admitted.
"You committed purgery twice" Alex cut in.
"Lewis was dead. What would've been the point in admitting to what really happened? It would've given him exactly what he wanted" Olivia bit "Even after it happened the nightmares didn't stop, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat, I would walk around my own apartment with my gun in hand expecting him to jump out of the dark" Olivia's voice broke.
"What did IAB say?" Elliot asked.
"Tucker thought I killed him. He didn't blame me, he knew what happened the first time, he was just an ass back then, before I knew how amazing he was" Olivia frowned, her tears falling.
"Olivia-"
"I'm okay" Olivia's voice shaked.
"No, you're not. You and Ed-"
"Wasted potential because of me" Olivia frowned, wiping away her tears.
"You couldn't have prevented what he did to himself" Finn assured her.
"Yes, but I could've been with him. I could've been his wife. I shouldn't have been so damn stubborn!" Olivia cried.
"You can't control your past or your abandonment issues-"
"My father raped my mother and from there on everyone I've ever loved or cared about has left me. If I hadn't been so stubborn, I could've been with Ed. We could've been happy" Olivia cried, running a hand through her hair again.
"He asked you to marry him? I didn't realize it was that serious" Elliot said.
"Yeah, because the first thing you asked me when you came back was who I'd sleeping with whilst you've been gone. You didn't ask El" Olivia shot back "I would've told you that I thought about having a kid with Cassidy-"
"What!?" Cragen froze.
"You were going to have a kid with Cassidy?" Elliot froze.
"I also thought about marrying Tucker, it's just more things you missed El" Olivia shrugged "I was also held at gunpoint in a townhouse. It was like being with Lewis all over again, listening to a young girl being raped, being hit across the face with a gun. I couldn't sleep for weeks after" Olivia admitted "I would just hear his voice in my head. Be a good girl Olivia, I know how badly you want me, I can't wait to hear you beg" she bit. 
"You survived it all, Liv. You survived it all and still your kind, kinder than most" Elliot told her.