Without You

harry

- 7 MONTHS LATER -

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October 25th, 2015

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today has been exactly 7 months ever since we lost him. And things have been turning out for the best, actually. I'm happy, the boys are happy.

But the public has only been seeing us in the worse image ever.

Are we really going to split up? Is this 'break' by the end of the month just another trap into pulling us apart?

I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I never want this ending. But if it really gets to the point where we can't deal with all of it anymore and we have to go with our hearts, then if it gets harder along the way, we have to rethink things.

I haven't talked to Zayn in 7 months, ever since.

But everyday I still wonder how he's doing, how maybe he's feeling just as broken as we all do.

Does he even miss us sometimes? Does he realize how much pain this gave all of us?

Everyday, this is what I think. And today marking 7 months, only made me think more.

7 months, zayn survived. We survived. The fans? Well they hung in there. And I couldn't be any more thankful.

They're the reason for everything.

They are literally, my everything.

Sometimes I wish I could just walk up to every single one of them and tell them thank you, for everything. Maybe I'd break down into tears while doing it, but I know it would be for the best.

I really hope they all know how thankful we are for the never ending support.

Honestly, I wish we were back in 2011 or 2012, just somewhere around that time.

It would all just be happiness and smiles, but I just wish I'd be young and naïve again.

Growing older, watching time pass by? It hurts so much.

It hurts, making a promise, making four other brothers.. Only to lose one. Only for him to give up.

I'm suffering, here. And all I can really do is write this down on pages of my old journal.

I hope I could see Zayn again one day, tell him how much better it's gotten and that it's okay.

I know, all he's ever wanted was to be happy but it still upsets me knowing he didn't find the happiness he was looking for in us. In the fans.

Maybe he did at one point, but it was too much for him. And I understand, everyone's different.

Although I will never forgive Zayn for one thing.