Without You

harry

.

Tonight was the last show. Not necessarily the last, but it sure will feel like it.. Because this is Zayn's last show in the band. And I just wanted to scream, cry, everything in that one category. But I couldn't. I found it unfair that the fans did not get to know any earlier than this. It broke my heart knowing that this was all going to end soon, I was scared. This was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and I think it was the same with the boys. But we all knew that this would have to end someday.

I just wish it wouldn't be today. Stay positive, management says. Don't even let it affect you, management says. This is what they want, for us four to pretend this doesn't break us all completely. I want to talk to the fans, connect with them. But we've all got tape on our mouths, and our hands tied right behind our backs. We're trapped.

"Zayn." Liam called Zayn who was sat in the dressing room, just staring at the wall in silence and in thought.

"Yeah?" He looked over.

"Could we all talk to you for just a few minutes, mate?"

"The show's gonna start--"

"Zayn." I spoke, nodding once. "Please."

He sighed, just looking sadder than ever. Niall and Louis followed behind us as Liam closed the door behind him, making sure the room was sealed.

The silence made me even more devastated and scared as I looked at him, waiting for him to speak up. Just for him to say something that can make all of this better somehow. Come on Zayn..

"I'm not going to do this. I'm not saying goodbye, and I sure as hell will not pretend this is okay. We made a promise, Zayn! All you had to do was keep it." Louis blurted out, raising his voice.

"I'm so tired, Louis. I want to stay, I really do okay? This.. This just keeps pulling me down lower and lower, and I hate it. I give up." He whispered. "I'm sorry, I said it so many times." He set his head in his hands, as I just stared in shock.

This couldn't be happening.

"The fans. The fucking fans, what are we going to do.'' Niall mumbled in stress. "I have a feeling this isn't just 'cause of the hate, Zayn. What really is this all about? If management won't tell us, then we need you to. We're lost, we're missing something huge from all this.'' Niall was nearly begging for him to tell us.

This part of me was scared for the truth, or at least half of it. I understand what he's going through. From all of us, he's the one who gets the most criticism from the public and from people in general. He needs a breather, he just needs to take a step back and just.. Breathe. Zayn needs to live his life.

"We have to go. It's show time." Zayn just completely avoided Niall's question.

He finally glanced back at me, his eyes softening as soon as he saw the expression on my face. Instead he just looked away painfully before walking out on us and leaving us four standing there, without a word left to say.

.

I was praying that this show would go by slowly, so it would feel as if it would last I don't know.. Longer than it would actually feel.

"Harry, you alright?" Niall asks me, setting a hand on my shoulder.

"Does it look like it?" I asked as he sighed, just looking down.

The Irish boy couldn't seem to find anything to say either, I mean.. We never imagined any of this happening, and we sure as hell had no plan on how to deal with it in any way at all. Now that the moment was here, we're just completely speechless.

"What are we going to do?" I asked Niall.

"Well, just do our best to make the fans happy of course." He says. "We can't lose them too, you know." He mumbled. "Zayn is enough we have to lose through all this."

I nodded. ''Y-You're right. We can't lose the fans, we have to smile and be positive. We can do it..Right?"

"We'll give it one hell of a shot." He smiled, nudging me as he slung the guitar over him, and then adjusting his ear piece.

Louis still looked upset over the argument with Zayn so I headed over to him.

"Hey,'' I say, as he glances over at me questioningly.

"What's up?"

"Are you okay? I mean.. You seem thrown off by all that's happening."

"I am." He sighed. "I'm sorry for going off like that, I know I shouldn't have said all that, especially during his last show."

"You were right for saying all of it, it's all the truth. Zayn isn't sharing everything with us, and we deserve the truth."

He nodded. "Well I have to find some sort of way to apologize to the guy. He's going back home after all this, we might as well be on okay terms before he flies off."

Liam was tossing the mic up and catching it repeatedly as he came over to us. "Ready?"

"Yeah.. Yeah, I am.'' There was a voice behind him as we all looked up.

Zayn walked over, staring at each of us.

The silence continued, and the pit in my stomach grew.. All we could hear was the screaming fans out in the crowd, just waiting for us to get out there.

"Just know, you boys will always be my brothers. Through everything, you're my family now. And if you ever need me for anything. I'll come right back."

"Of course, there's one thing you can't do." Louis said, as Zayn looked at him, clearly upset.

"You're my brother." He repeated, Lou nodding as he looked down.

"Brothers." Louis spoke quietly as they both leaned into a tight hug.

We all followed, giving him a hug.

"You know, this is what I cried about four years ago. You leaving the band." I told him, and he smirked slightly.

"Do me a favor, Harry. Don't cry for me anymore, alright?"

"Just promise me you'll take care of yourself. Take care of Perrie, everyone you love." I shouted over the screaming getting louder and music playing. That was our cue to get on stage by now.

"You take care of this band too. Watch out for the rest of the boys." Zayn spoke into my ear, setting a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded, sending him a small smile as I ran my fingers through my hair. I quickly grabbed my mic before we all huddled, setting our hands in the middle. "One last time together boys. Let's make it unforgettable." Liam tells us genuinely, and I just knew I would never forget this night.