Skin Deep ✔️

Chapter Eighteen

I cry for about the seventeenth time this morning as I lay in bed refusing to get up. I've gotten to the point where my eyes are starting to burn, and my chest feels as though a ton of bricks are on me making it difficult to breathe. The birds start to chirp outside, and my brain reminds me that I should be on my way to school. I try to force myself to get up, but my legs don't seem to work anymore, and I don't have the will power. After a couple of minutes, I hear the front door open and curse as I remember that my mum has come back, and she'll quite literally shit a brick because I haven't gone to school this morning.

I shut my eyes and throw the covers on over my head, praying she doesn't come in here. A few moments later she knocks on my door and doesn't even wait for me to answer before she comes in.

"Tonoya?" She calls, dragging the covers off me. "Why are you not in School?"

I don't answer her and keep my eyes closed so she thinks I'm sleeping and goes away.

"Tonoya Johnson, I birthed you. I can tell if you're sleeping or not." She nudges me.

I sigh and sit up in bed and she looks at me for a few seconds. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I say.

"What's wrong?" She asks again and I shake my head. "Nothing."

"Did those boys hurt you?" She starts to get angry, getting off my bed and muttering to herself all the ways Ezra and Isaac could've possibly used and abused me. "I knew it was a bad idea for you to get involved with them. Tonoya they're not like you-"

"Mum, they didn't hurt me." I start to cry again. "You hurt me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Mum my whole life I've been hurting, and you refuse to see it. You pride yourself on being this amazing mum, but you can't see that you're the one that's been hurting me."

Mum shakes her head and holds her finger in my face. "Be careful what you say to me next young lady." 

"No. I've had your voice in my head telling me that I should just suck it up and that I'm going to do great things but how can I do great things when my heart has been broken for as long as I remember. All I've ever wanted is for people to like me, for me to go out on a Saturday with my friends and not stay home revising for exams I don't even really care about. And then it finally happened, I finally found people who liked me and wanted to be around me, and you ruined it." I pause so I can catch my breath and I expect her to stay something, but she doesn't. "That day when I went to the park all I wanted was comfort from my mother. I wanted you to tell me that's it's okay and that things will get better because I'd eventually find kids that liked me because those ones are assholes, but you didn't. I couldn't get over it because you didn't condition me to love myself you just told me to bury the feelings and that they didn't matter. But they do matter, they matter to me."

"I did what I thought was right."

"Well, it wasn't right, was it!?" I shout. 

It's quiet for a couple of minutes and I open my mouth to apologies but then mum begins to cry and reaches over to hug me. It surprises me because in my seventeen years I have never seen my mum cry and it's an odd sensation. 

I hug her back and she repeats "I'm sorry." over and over again. 

She pulls away and wipes her eyes on her sleeve. "Don't tell no one you saw me cry."

I laugh wiping my own eyes. "As long as you don't tell anyone either."

"So, what happened between you and that white boy?" Mum asks. 

"Nothing." I say, looking away from her. 

She frowns and raises a brow. "Tonoya after all that you're going to tell me it was nothing?" 

"Okay fine." I sigh, wiping my face with my hands. "He told me he loved me." 

"He told you he loved you?" 

"Yes." I nod. 

"What did you say?" Mum asks.

"I said no." I look away from her. 

"Because of me?" 

"Yes, but also no." I groan with frustration. "I like him a lot. But what if I only think I love him back because he's the only guy to ever pay attention to me? If I don't love myself, is it even possible for me to be in a relationship with someone? I'm always going to feel not good enough or that I've done something wrong." 

"Tonoya, I know sometimes I'm not the most approachable person, but I promise baby you can talk to me and I'm so sorry that you've been feeling like this. I was just trying to protect you." Mum kisses my cheek. 

I nod. "I know."

"We're going to go somewhere this weekend." Mum jumps up and grabs her phone. "Let me call someone." 

"What?" I ask. "Where are we going?" 

"Surprise." She smiles, leaving the room before coming back. "Also don't think you're not going to school tomorrow." 

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