Skin Deep ✔️

Chapter One

Growing up black has always been hard. It was hard trying to be someone that I'm not and it's even harder accepting that I could never be that person. But its hardest when all you seem to find yourself being surrounded by is racist, white people. My experience as a black person has never been easy and it never will be. I can never just be. I'm too white-washed for the black kids and too ghetto for the white kids. I'll never fit in. 

"Tonoya!" Mom yells at me from across the table. 

I look up obediently and sit silently as she hands me a letter. I instantly know what it is and look from her to the paper biting my lip nervously bracing myself for the screaming match that she seems to be psyching herself up for.

"What is this?" She asks me with a frown. 

"My mock a level results." I answer, not looking at her and getting up to get my school bag so I'm not late. 

Mom follows me into my room and closes the door behind her. "What do I send you to school for?" 

She doesn't wait for me to answer she just keeps talking in that eerie, quiet tone that is way more scary than when she's shouting. I hate it when she's mad at me. I hate it when anyone's mad at me.

"I don't send you to school to chat to your friends, do I? I send you to learn. Now I want you to tell me what's making you get a C in English. Is it not the language we're speaking right now?"

I don't tell her that I actually don't have any friends at school and even if I did, I'm not sure there would be a lot for us to talk about. The people at my very white dominated school do not like me and I'm perfectly fine with that. Or I will be at some point. My phone buzzes in my pocket and it reminds me that I have to leave right now or else I'll be late. 

"Mom, I have to go." I say leaving the room and walking towards the front door. 

"I can drop you." Mom says and I want to scream. 

Mom never feels the need to change out of her pyjamas when she drops me to school and its always extremely embarrassing. She walks right up to the entrance with me in her bright pink robe, zebra print leggings and bright yellow bonnet and I hate it. It makes my body physically hurt especially since I try to draw as little attention to myself as possible.

Every time she does it the other students in school call her a 'train-wreck' or 'ghetto' and say it's no wonder my dad left us. I've never told her this and I think I never will. I love my mom more than anything, but she'll only make things worse. 

"No thanks. I think I want to walk today." I don't wait for permission, I simply open the door and then I'm gone. 

The walk to school isn't a very long one but its long enough that I can forget who I am for a moment. I take my phone out of my pocket and put my earphones in. I search for the right song and smile when I see my favourite song 'Small Talk' by Briston Maroney. 

The thing with songs like that is that its impossible for you not to completely lose yourself in it. I'm always judged by the music I listen to, the way I dress and the way I talk. These lonely walks to school with my favourite songs are the only peace I have. The only time when my brain isn't constantly screaming at me about every imperfection i have and how much of a freak I am.

I can see it happening before it actually does but I don't have the time to move out of the way quick enough. A guy comes flying out of nowhere on his skateboard and quite nearly breaks a few of my bones when I'm sent flying to the floor and he crashes on top of me. 

"Are you okay?" He says quickly, getting off of me. 

He has an accent. Its strong but I cant place what it is but its definitely some kind of American. His heavy weight is lifted from off me and I'm grateful that I can still feel my legs and just about wiggle my fingers.

"There's a hole in my tights and few scuff marks on my blazer but I think I'm fine despite that."

He smiles as he extends a hand towards me so he can pull me up. I notice the difference in our skin, like I always do with anyone. His cool tones are a stark contrast to my warm ones, and it makes me feel dirty. I wonder if he feels as bad as I do. I take a look at his face, and I'm met with a birds nest of jet black hair and curious green eyes. 

I finally take his hand and its warm and soothing against my cold one. Another difference. 

"I'm sorry." I mumble. 

He doesn't seem to mind the accident though and laughs as he bends down to inspect the hole in my tights. My breath catches as his hand makes contact with my leg and I almost instantly jerk it away. 

"Well, it doesn't look like you're hurt." He smiles again and picks up his skateboard. "This is a terrible impression I'm making on my first day so I would appreciate it if you don't tell the whole school about this."

I'm about to ask him what one earth he's talking about but stop myself as I finally realise that we're wearing the same uniform. He's new. 

"Where are you from?" I ask.

"Boston, Massachusetts." Comes his reply.

"I didn't know we were having a new student." I say, dusting myself off. 

"Now you do." He winks. "I'm Ezra."

I look down like I always do when I have to introduce myself since I hate my name. Its not normal. "I'm Tonoya but everyone calls me Toni because its easier so you can just call me-"

He cuts me off. "Its nice to meet you Tonoya." 

"I know it's a bit of an odd name, but my mom really liked it so..." I trail off. 

"I think its beautiful." Ezra says. 

That's the fist time anyone other than my family have called me by my first name. I've been 'Toni' for as long as I remember. I normally cringe when people say my real name but when he says it, it's like magic.

I look up at him and see that he's already looking at me with a grin. I cough not really knowing what to say and that only makes him smile wider. I grab my phone from my pocket and groan, cursing myself for getting distracted by a conventionally attractive white boy. 

"We're going to be late." I tell him and he shrugs.  

"Then let's get going." 

We continue the walk to school in perfect silence, our shoulders brushing because of how close we are to each other. Occasionally I catch Ezra looking at me from the corner of my eye and it makes me smile. 

We're only five minutes away from the sixth form entrance when he speaks to me. "Are the others... nice?"

I don't really know what to say to that, but I can tell by the worried look on his face that he wants me to say they are. So, I do. "Of course, they are." 

He stares at me and for a second, I think he's going to call me out on my bluff, but he doesn't, he just nods. "Okay. I'm trusting you. Please be careful with my heart. It's fragile." 

He's joking. I know he's joking but even still when he says that my chest feels tight, and I break into a huge smile. No one has ever trusted me with anything before. Especially, not their heart.