Three Months

Chapter Four

White walls, sterile smell, anticipation—it’s all too familiar. The doctor’s office is a place I’ve been at one too many times in the past year. Visits after visits, I’ve been waiting for the answer that I’d always known the answer to. At the last appointment, I just got confirmation.

            From the time that I’d passed out at school to the time when my raging migraine wouldn’t go away, I’d known that I was extremely sick. The thought of cancer crossed my mind once or twice, but I’d always hoped and prayed that I was wrong. It sucks that what I’d guessed at first was right, but I suppose that just means I was a little more prepared than most.

            My parents have always just wanted the perfect family, and I think I ruined that for them. Before all the doctor’s visits, they were happier—more so than now. They were substantial parents, and I’d choose that over what I have now.  Even though they’re my parents and they’re “supposed” to love me, I think their love is rapidly fading. I like to think that they’re just realizing that there’s no hope, that I’m most likely going to die.

            But a part of me—a big part of me—wishes that they would just hang onto that thread of chance that I’ll live, that things will turn out okay in the end. A part of me just wishes that they would love me as much as they can for the remainder of my time here.

            Hell, I even wish they’d just pretend. For once, I wish they’d pretend that they loved me. Maybe that would make things a smidge easier.

            Still yet, here I am. At the doctor’s office in the waiting room, patiently sitting here until the nurse comes out and calls my name. Lucky for me though, I only have to wait around five minutes.

            An auburn head peers out from behind the door adjacent to the check in counter. “Paisley Daniels?” She looks around until her eyes land on me. Her name is Linda, and she knows my face. Truthfully, it’s pathetic how she knows me by name due to the number of times she’s called me to the doctor’s room in the past year. Obviously, we’re on a first name basis.

            Standing up and walking through the door, I follow Linda down the hall. We go through the usual routine, which is Linda recording my height, weight, and asking me if there have been any recent issues or problems regarding my health.

            There weren’t.

            Then, she proceeds to walk me into a room that is just as sterile as the next. Gripping her clipboard tight, she grabs the spiny chair and ushers me onto the seat that the patients sit on. Linda sits down in the chair, giving me a tentative smile. I know what’s coming. She’s done this for all my past visits. I like to think that I’m a special case, and that I’m the only person she does this for. I doubt it though. It’s probably her job to make sure the patients feel at ease. I’m just another patient to her. Nothing more.

            “So,” she says softly, tilting her head to the side a little, “how’s it been goin’?”

            I shrug, swinging my legs back and forth since they’re hanging off the edge of the seat. “Nothing much. The usual.” I sound casual, but inside I’m freaking out. What if the doctor found something in my x-rays or tests that he missed last time? What if what he might’ve found could’ve been crucial to my condition? What if I could die—

            “That’s good,” Linda says, interrupting my snowballing thoughts. “That’s really good, Paisley. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this at such a young age.”

            You have no idea. I wish I could burst into tears and tell her how scared I am, but I just can’t. If I’m going to make it through this, then I’m going to have to buck up and deal with the difficult parts.