Jopper oneshots <3

Guilt.

A frown formed up on Joyces face as she thought about Hopper. She thought about all of the torture he went through, all of the starving and emotinal deterioration he had to bear.

She cringed, thinking about how much hard work, and how little they fed him, it had tooken to lessen his weight so dramatically in eight months, her heart ached with hurt, ached from not being able to do nothing about it,

Ached for being the one who caused it.

All of the guilt and sorrow still weighted on her, knowing that if maybe they had pulled the keys sooner, or if she tried to help him out of down there instead of standing there in shock, maybe he woudnt have had to go through all this torture.

Her nose and eyes turned glossy, as she fell down to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably as she doubled over her face resting on the tomb as she sobbed.

She had never thought that after 3 years of having Hopper back she would loose him again.

Tears flowed faster as the flowers now previously in her hand feel to the gravel floor, scattered  as she hunched over grasping her stomach with sudden nausea.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to scream out her guts until she fell lifeless on the floor, she wanted to vomit from the sudden guilt as she remembered him.

But she did neither of them, her screams coming out as silent pleas as she sobbed mindlessly, it was ugly, a heart clenching sight, many would say.

Her mind raced with many thoughts, screaming at her for turning those keys, screaming at her for not taking him to a doctor soon enough.

Hopper had started to cough alot in the first few weeks, a yellowish sputum coming out of his mouth as he coughed, sometimes even blood following it. She had told him he needed to see a doctor, but he insisted he was fine, curse the damn man, eventually he started getting weaker and weaker, his appetite decreasing and weight dropping, he would get tired way to easily and often. It was only after a month that he agreed to go to a doctor, on a night he had passed out from exhaustion and starvation.

He been diagnosed with deathly tuberculosis, the doctors had told them he only had nearly 3 years to live, and if they had gotten there a few weeks sooner they may have been able to help, they told Hopper it had been in his system for about 7 months, and had stopped being contagious around 4 months ago, which meant it was her fault.

It was her fault he died.

She cried angrily, both at herself and at Hopper, tears streaming down her face as her nose ran, spit, snot and tears becoming one as it all fell from her face.

She cried hopelessly, the universe is a cruel place, taunting us with what we most love, only to take it away again in the span of 3 years.

She sobbed and sobbed, not bothering to mask her ugly noises as she cried, her whole body shaking desperately as the air dissapeared from her lungs, nobody was around close enough to hear her anyway.

Jane had left for the car, leaving her alone for a while, and she turned into a mess.

She couldn't do this without him, how would she do this without him. She can't.

She could feel the grief catching up to her all over again, this time, amplified by knowing surely that he wasn't coming back. He was dead and possibly resting peacefully.

She tried to comfort herself, thinking about how happy she tried to make him in those last few years, thinking about how grateful he was about it, His kind smile and loving words.

But she couldn't, the guilt of killing him was bigger, the guilt of those last few moments were he was even too exhausted and malnourished to talk.
'Promise me you'll stay strong for me, Joyce, I love you so much.' Were his words to her before he became too ill.

She sobbed, she remembered those words so clearly, spinning in the back of her head like a broken record. She had to stay strong for the kids, for Hopper.

She would keep this promise to him, it doesn't matter that he broke theirs, she would keep this promise to him until the day she dies.

But right now, the least she wanted to do as she sobbed was be strong, she just wanted to relish the feeling of being able to let go, as she couldn't have that ever, scared that the kids would hear her.

She took in a shaky breath as her eyed closed, tears running dry as her body had no more force to pour more out, leaving her a panting, puffy eyed mess.

She lifted her head up from his grave, grabbing a tissue and cleaning her face and the grave itself.

She took another big breath, not enough air seemingly reaching her lungs. Her eyes ached and burned from crying crying much.

She picked up her flowers once again and now placed them on his grave, trying her best attempt at a smile.

She whimpered, dropping the smile, knowing it wasn't going anywhere, she stared at his tomb,

"I..im sorry." She mumbled, voice only an octave above from a shaky whisper. "I really am." She laid her forhead on where his name was incripted on the stone.

Her knees buckled as she stood up, letting out a strangled cry, as she suddenly lost all the strength in her body, wanting to just lump down on the floor and give up everything, but she couldn't. She had to get back to Jane.

She wasn't loosing another Hopper.