Sinner [Suoh Mikoto]

➳ Sloth

❝You say you have a heart, and you only say that because you feel its beat.
That's not a heart...
that’s a machine, but at the same time it moves, makes noise❞

          The first few days were the hardest. If it hadn't hurt me that Mikoto didn't try to stop me, I'm sure I would have returned to HOMRA just an hour after. I missed him. I hadn't seen him again since I left the bar with Seri, and I felt a void in my chest. I hadn't seen any of the guys either. I knew that some of them, like Izumo, would try to convince me to come back, so instead of going back to my old apartment where they wouldn't last to go, I had hidden like a coward in Scepter 4, where I knew they wouldn't come in.

           A knock on the door brought me back to the present. Reluctantly, I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my sweater and got up to open the door. In front of me, Fushimi was giving me a mocking smile.

          “What do you want?” I bluntly asked.

          “You shouldn't be so hard on me, Suoh girl.” Thanks, Fushimi. Seriously, thanks for reminding me about my now non-existent relationship with Mikoto all the time.

          Instead of answering him or getting upset, I faked indifference, or well, I tried to. I knew he just wanted to provoke me.

          “After all, you are here now, so we are the same. When will you join us? I want to see Misaki and Mikoto's faces when they see that you betrayed them,” he added.

          I had to clench my fists at the last sentence to avoid hitting him. Why was he enjoying this so much?

          “You and I will never be the same, Fushimi. I'm not going to betray Mikoto by joining Scepter 4, so stop saying that. I'm just passing through.”

          Fushimi seemed to be amused by my response.

          “Whatever you say, Suoh girl~. Or should I say ex-Suoh girl?”

          The slap I gave him echoed throughout the hallway, attracting several curious glances. Tears began to spill down my cheeks again. His words hurt; they hurt too much.

          “Fuck you, Fushimi,” I said angrily, before locking myself back into my room.

          “Munakata wanted to see you,” Fushimi informed me calmly through the door, as if I hadn't just hit him.

          Then I heard him leave. Couldn't he have just said that from the beginning and spared me the extra bullshit? Annoyed, I headed for Munakata's office.

          I still didn't like the Blue King very much but after the incident in Ashinaka I felt I was indebted to him. After all, if he hadn't knocked Mikoto unconscious before he finished overloading his sword of Damocles, he would not have survived. Besides, I had to add to that the fact that he had let me shelter in Scepter 4 even though I had refused to join them.

          Before I had time to knock, Munakata ordered, “Come in”. That kind of thing was what I disliked about him. He always seemed to know everything before everyone else, as if he was a mind reader or had cameras everywhere.

          Reluctantly, I opened the door and took a seat next to his desk, wondering what he wanted to tell me. Munakata kept flipping through the papers on his desk, and I became impatient. Have I said I hate the way he is? He's so... patient and controlling, it's scary.

          “Fushimi told me you wanted to see me,” I said, in an attempt to get him to drop the papers and get straight to the point. However, he just nodded and told me to wait while he continued with the paperwork.

          Half an hour later, Munakata put the documents in a drawer and turned to look at me.

          “Still can't sleep well?” he asked, and I nodded. “You have horrible dark circles under your eyes.”

          “Mmm... Thanks?” I doubted he had called me for that.

          “It wasn't a compliment.” That smirk was getting on my nerves. It was like a hunter watching its prey, aware that it has no escape. Or at least, that's how it made me feel.

          “So... why did you call me?”

          Upon hearing me, Munakata laughed as if I had said something funny, and I arched an eyebrow.

          “You were taking too long to ask. I was beginning to doubt that you were really one of the reds. Always so impatient... “ I snorted when I heard him. In HOMRA at least we didn't pretend to be made of ice. “Here,” he said, offering me a folder. “I thought you might want to see this.”

          Curious, I opened the folder and began to read the papers inside. They were reports, and all of them were about Mikoto. His sword was still very unstable and, just as I had feared, he was still using his power too often. The reports detailed all the recent incidents that Scepter 4 had recorded.

          “If he keeps this up, I won't be able to do anything for him,” Munakata spoke again. “Are you sure you don't want to join Scepter 4? It's better than remaining loyal to a dead king.”

          “He's not dead yet” I could feel my eyes watering again. I refused to accept that I had left for nothing. Mikoto was supposed to react and start being more careful. Otherwise, what was the point of what I was doing?

          “Not yet... But you know as well as I do that he doesn't have much time.”

          “I will not join Scepter 4, Munakata. I am grateful for everything you have done for Mikoto and for letting me stay here, but I can't.” I wiped my eyes with my hand and got up from the chair. I needed to get out of there. “Do you mind if I leave? I want to try to catch some sleep.”

          “Sure, take a rest.”

          “See you later, Munakata.”

          I grabbed the folder and hurried back to my room. I felt again that pressure in my chest that prevented me from breathing normally. Had it really been useless for me to leave? What else could I do?

          A couple of hours later, someone knocked on my door, but I didn't answer. I was too busy crying into Mikoto's T-shirt that I had put on as pajamas. I missed him terribly. I couldn't go back to HOMRA if everything remained unchanged. It would have been a waste of time to leave. But what if Mikoto was still the same? I couldn't stay at Scepter 4 forever either. At some point I would have to go back out there and see Mikoto and the HOMRA guys again. 

          Why did it have to be so hard? All I wanted was for Mikoto to stop abusing his power and be safe. Was it really worth it for me to be separated from him with the only hope that he would miss me and come to his senses in time? 

          What a shitty plan. 

Sixth sin: sloth.