What We Take Away

Chapter 33 | Cassie

March 20th, 2006

"Okay, Cass," Ranjit coaxes across the table. "The solution of silver nitrate does not have a current flow moving through it because the circuit is open. We need to close the circuit by using a..."

He looks at me expectantly with an eager smile.

He and I, along with Sabrina, finished eating our lunches awhile ago but we've taken advantage of the endless coffee at Pelican to fuel our midterm study session. We sit in our usual spot by the window where the abundant sunshine warms the booth. But despite the nice weather and good company, I feel listless and full of dread.

I thought I'd feel better after breaking up with Aram. And while there was immediate relief, breaking up with him was simultaneously liberating and awful. My heart continues to ache with a soreness I can't quite place, nothing seems okay.

But then again, I haven't been okay in a very long time.

I chew the inside of my lip nervously, trying but failing to focus.

"Um... a salt bridge?" I guess haphazardly.

"Yes! The salt bridge will transmit the current with moving ions, and because we're using sodium nitrate the electrons will flow left to right, letting anions pass through on the left..."

Ranjit's mouth continues to move, but I'm no longer able to pay attention to his words.

He and Sabrina have been my constant shadows since that horrible night, ferrying me from class to class and making sure I'm accompanied at all times.  Without them, I would have been a total wreck -- between Aram's many phone calls and trying not to run into Zac in the hallway because I'm still too ashamed to face him, Ranjit and Sabrina are the reasons why I did not spiral into depression this past week. And while I'm immensely grateful for the way my friends have shown their care, I can't help but feel as though my entire life has been put on hold, that I've been damaged in some way.

"Did you hear what I just said?" Ranjit asks, waving his hand in front of my face.

My eyes snap up to meet his.

"I-I'm sorry," I mumble. "Can you repeat the question?"

"Okay," he says, quirking an eyebrow. "How would you determine the oxidizing agent and reducing agent without balancing any equations in the third problem?"

I stare at the questions on our practice problem set, trying to concentrate. But all that comes to mind is the broken look on Aram's face the moment I told him it was over, and how I really, really can't stand chemistry.

Chemistry has sapped all of my joy and energy, and I am suffocating. I've never loved chemistry. I only ever started down this path to make Ba happy. And as much as I want him to be happy, it feels like all along, I've been dying a very slow death.

I need to break up with chemistry, the same way I broke up with Aram.

"I... I can't do this anymore."

The words slip out of me unexpectedly in a whisper.

"What?" Ranjit frowns. "I didn't catch that, what did you say?"

I'm tired of pretending I'm okay.

"I can't do this anymore," I repeat as hot tears begin to fall from my eyes.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey--"

Alarmed, Ranjit leans across the table and peers up at me.

"Cass, what's wrong?"

Once I start, I can't stop. The tears spill rapidly down my face with gusto, and I bury my face in my hands.

"Everything," I cry. "Everything is wrong."