What We Take Away

Chapter 29 | Aram

February 24th, 2006

I read the email from the lab tech firm in Port River again and let the words wash meaninglessly over me.

[Dear Mr. Jacobs,

Thank you for your interest in the entry level biology technician position. Due to the high volume of qualified job applicants, we are no longer able to consider you for the position. Best of luck on your job search elsewhere.

Sincerely,
LabAccel]

It wouldn't be so gutting if it were the first rejection I've received thus far. But the four other emails and voicemails just like it from labs and research firms all over the greater Copper Hill Valley scream my fate as an undesirable and unemployable member of society.

I wasn't even considered for Father's company, CureGen.

"Companies like ours want fresh hires with internship and research experience," Father explained when I told him my predicament. "I suggested for you to apply last summer, but you dismissed the notion."

"How was I supposed to know?!" I had demanded wildly.

"This is part of the experience," he said wryly, with a shrug.

"Try to be patient," Mother had urged. "God won't let you down. The right job is out there for you somewhere."

But she's wrong, because lately it feels like God doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Nothing has been going according to my plan, and things are quickly spiraling out of my control.

Like how Cassie effectively murdered my vision for our future together.

I've been trying to tell myself that her less than enthusiastic response is just a minor setback, but I'm starting to lose hope. The last thing I expected for her to do after laying out my intentions was to reject me.

She doesn't want you like you want her, the voices whisper to me at night.

What is happening to us? Cassie used to be my Polaris, my guiding star, the bright light that drowns out the darkness. But now, she's become part of the hurricane tearing me down, threatening to hurtle me into an endless void of despair. What gives her the right to toy with my heart in this way?

Doesn't she know how much I love her?

I clutch my head in my hands shakily, trying my best not to be buffeted by the swarm of thoughts warring in my mind.

I thought you were FOR me, God! Why have you abandoned me?

A dull, throbbing pain pulses from the center of my forehead to my temples as the cacophonous symphony swells in my brain again.

Useless.

Weak.

No one wants you to work for them. Your family doesn't care about you.

Cassie doesn't love you.

"Aughhh!" I kick the computer chair violently, my breaths coming in fast.

I need to go to the gym. I need to coax my body to come back into itself. I need to feel my muscles tear and cry with desperation to drown out this damnable desolation inside.

But for the first time, I'm terrified that it won't be enough.

---

My mind is a blizzard of black thoughts and agony. I grip the weights tighter and huff as sweat begins to collect on my face.

I love her. I want her. Why doesn't she want me?

I drop the weights and they clunk loudly onto the floor. I drag a towel across my brow and gulp down some water.