Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Living In Fear .23

Patrick

The season gets underway here at the end of September and we were off to a good start. We've had good chemistry and it should be a good season. Like the natural swing of things we lose some people and we gain some throughout the off season. It's always hard to get attached to people when you know they're not promised to stay. There's been a lot of people that I have come to love that I had to let go but that's the business of it all. I lost my buddy Panarin who I had gotten close to. We hung out outside of the game, he was right by my side every time I hit the ice. We had the kind of chemistry you see once in a life time. I figured that would be enough to keep him around but I got two seasons with him before he fell victim to a trade. But we have Saad back so I have someone I am familiar with to play with still. It'll be interesting to see what comes of the season.

Valerie comes over after a game because she works the night shift tomorrow. She made too much fudge and wanted to bring me some as well so it doesn't go bad and who am I to turn down free fudge? So she lets herself up and I cue up the movie Inside Out on my tv. It wasn't my thing but I think she would like it a lot.

"Oh this fudge is good" I admit as I take a piece. Don't even wait for her to get all the way in the door before I was devouring it.

"Your surprise at my baking is almost offensive" she claims.

"Take the complaint Valerie" I scoff before taking another bite.

She just rolls her eyes before taking the pillow she liked and placing it in her lap. She takes her place on the other side of the couch and I start the movie. Originally she said I liked this one because of the hockey that's in it but honestly I forgot it had that in there. I just think she would really enjoy this.

For the rest of the movie she was completely silent. Even when I took her to see Captain America she was asking questions every ten minutes or so. She hasn't been this quiet since I met her. I don't know if she was just tired or if she was hyper focused on the movie, but she didn't even make a sound. It was kind of scary.

"So" I ask as the credits roll.

"That is my favorite movie" she proclaims.

"Really? I thought you were all anti having a favorite movie" I remember.

"I was. But this movie was so good. It's like... therapy" she claims as I laugh.

"Alright. I did not see this coming" I admit.

"How could you not like it? We treat people, even more-so kids, like joy should have the wheel all the time. Like when things happen to them they can't feel frustrated or sad or scared. Each emotion has a purpose, and while one might be more predominate than others there is no joy without sadness, no faith without fear. No happiness without anger.

I like that the movie showed how sadness brings joy. I would love another movie about the other emotions too" she claims.

"So who would be foremost in your emotions" I wonder. Scared that she will say it's sadness.

"I think fear" she admits. Okay, so that might be worse. "My fear of getting close to people, to things, it rules my joy and sadness. My anger. I think fear always has a hand in my memories because it takes for but one thing to go wrong and that feeling it takes over. Even the best days I'm scared to forget. Scared to let go of the pain because I don't know what will replace it. What's if it's something even worse than before?

And I don't think it would be awful if fear is at the helm, fear can keep you safe. It can show you a better way" she explains.

"But to live in fear" I ask.

"Sometimes... sometimes that's the only way you can live" she whispers.

A soft sigh passes my lips because there is nothing I can do to change that. She's lived her whole life afraid, and I hate that she has. Not because fear is bad, but because she doesn't know much of anything else.

"Thank you for showing me the movie, Patrick. It was wonderful" she claims as she gets up off the couch.

"Thanks for bringing over the fudge, sorry I ate it all" I say handing back the empty container. 

"That's okay. Mom always said a empty bowl is a happy stomach" she nods.

"It is. You sure you don't want to stay? It's late" I offer.

"I don't think that's a good idea" she admits. And I respect that.

"Let me walk you out then" I insist.

"Okay" she nods.

We get downstairs without a word said between us. There was so much I needed to say, things I wanted to tell her. But I didn't know how, and that would be the fear taking over. And while fear keeps us from going too far, it sometimes stop us from going far enough.

"Val" I start as she turns to be. "I uh-" I stutter. As soon as her eyes meet mine any kind of strength I has runs away. I know I would say anything to this girl if I knew it would help her. Just as I will bite my tongue if I think it'll prevent me from hurting her. "I'm really happy we're friends" I finally say as she smiles.

"I am too. You know I don't have friends, or anyone really. But I have you, and whenever you're around fear and joy seems to be fighting over who has control" she says.

"At least I'm making it hard for you" I tease.

"You always have" she laughs. "But thank you, for your friendship. You've shown me that it's not all that bad, not at all."

With that she takes off and I watch her walk away. With every step I feel more and more defeated. I don't know if I will ever be able to look her in her eyes and tell her how I feel. How much she means to me. What if she doesn't believe me? What if she thinks that I am just messing with her? God I can think of all the ways they could be ruined.

So I let her walk. Let the distance grow because distance is better than space. But I can't help but wonder what it would be like if things were different. If she wasn't so damn hard to handle. Never knew love would be this hard.