The love letter and the suicide note

30 days until suicide

"I thought you weren't going to pick up." Astra's heart sparked with hope as he answered at the final ring. She had been worried sick since he hung up on her the other night.

"I thought I'd give you an explanation to why I have to do it. I'm not a bad person, I won't do something and not explain to someone why I did it. That's wrong, they should at least have some kind of explanation." Orson's voice spoke up on the other side of the line.

Astra's heart broke at those words, the spark of hope she had in her heart disappearing almost immediately. "I don't-"

"I can't live anymore. I know that's selfish of me to say, and I know it's selfish to end myself, but I can't. I thought things would be okay again eventually, but it's been years Star, years, and it only gets worse. It never gets better, and why would I stay in a world that doesn't want me? Why would I stay in a world that doesn't want me to get better?"

"I-"

"It's time for me to be okay again. It's time for me to finally rest and not be in pain every second of every day. I'm not sorry that I have to do this, and I know that's selfish, but I'm not. I'm not sorry that I have to go."

"You-"

"I hope you can heal from your sister, and I hope you can live a beautiful life. You sound like an amazing girl Star, caring about other people. You care about me and you don't even know me. You care enough to want me to stay, but I can't stay. I know I'm selfish."

"No-"

"You don't know me, I don't know you, but I feel like I can tell you all this, and it's because I don't know you."

"If you got the chance to know me, and if I was your friend, would you stay? If I found reasons for you to stay, and if I helped you find even the smallest things in the world that could change your mind about going through with this, would you let me?" Astra held her breath as she sat up from her bed, waiting for him to answer.

"I don't want anyone getting to know me Star, I'm sorry." Orson said tiredly. "The point of telling you all this was because I didn't know you. If I knew you, if I got to know you and we got close, it'd hurt when I go. I can't do that."

"But I want to get to know you, I want to be your friend. Please let me be your friend, I can't let anyone else take their precious life. Please." Astra begged him. "It's going to hurt if you go either way, even if we don't get to know each other. Even though I don't know you, it's still going to hurt. Please let me try and change your mind."

"I don't need anyone to care about me. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not you. You already sound like an amazing person, and part of me wants to let you know me, but I can't. If I let you, you're only going to get hurt, and I couldn't do that to you."

"Everybody needs someone to care about them Bear Cub, especially people like you. People like my sister. I want to get close to you and I want to help you. You just have to let me, please." Astra wanted more than anything for him to let her.

"I can't Star."

"Just listen to me okay? Please, please let me help you. If you get to know me, I know you'll be a little better. I'm not saying all your problems and struggles will go away, because I can promise you they won't. But I can help lighten the pain and struggles. I can help carry them on my back too." Astra didn't know why she was begging him, she didn't even know him, but she really wanted to.

"You're going to get hurt."

"I'm not. Let me find things for you here, please. There are so many things about this world that are beautiful. Yes, the world can be shitty and it can hurt you and break you, but there are so many beautiful things about it too. Let me help you. Let me find reasons for you to stay."

Orson was quiet for a moment, and Astra waited for him to say something. When he didn't say anything, she felt tears form in her eyes, but she blinked them away and took a deep breath.

"Please." She whispered.

"If you can find something that will keep me here, then please, do it. I won't stop you. But let me warn you, there's nothing I love. There's nothing I enjoy doing anymore." Orson's voice was quiet. "But don't hate me for hurting you, I warned you. I don't want to hurt you, but I know that will happen if you get too close."

"I know there's something out there that you love. Don't give up yet, I will find something that will help you remember that life isn't as bad as it seems. That life still has the beautiful parts to it." Astra smiled a little. "And you won't hurt me, you won't even get close to hurting me."

"You're wrong." Was all he said.

"You're wrong." Astra said.

"Goodbye Star."

"Goodbye Bear Cub."