Baby's On Fire // Joonas Porko

5. Cast No Shadow

Hanna had finally made the appointment for the procedure. The other day she received positive blood test that confirmed that she was indeed pregnant

She was a bit scared, but she was ready to be over and done with, so she shouldn't have to worry anymore. But deep down she was more terrified than she let herself admit. And everything seemed even worse because Linda couldn't come with her and she had to go through this alone. Hanna was taking a bus to get to the clinic and the closer she was, the more nervous she became. She was shaking on the inside and it felt like she would throw up soon. Hanna was so lost in her thoughts that she almost missed her stop. She put away her headphones and walked in the direction of the building.

It was a typical medical center, nothing unusual about it, just for some weirdos outside with anti-abortins signs yelling loudly that you are a killer. They even approached Hanna and gave her a weird flyer that called her murderer straight to her face. Did everyone know that she was pregnant?

Hanna threw away the flyer in the closet bin and walked inside the clinic where she was greeted by the hospital smell and bright lights. Even if this wasn't your typical hospital it still gave Hanna creeps and having everyone being so overly friendly, didn't help. It felt as if Hanna was stuck in a horror movie wherein daytime everyone was nice, but at night everyone turned into a serial killer.

The black-haired girl sat by the gynecologist's door, nervously playing with the papers the receptionist gave her. Hanna was so concentrated on the scenery outside the window that she didn't even hear her name being called multiple times.

"Miss Rautio?" Hanna finally pulled out her thoughts and looked over to a slightly annoyed nurse, but when the nurse saw Hanna's big eyes full of fear, she gave her a small smile and Hanna smiled a small smile back. She quickly gathered her things and walked up to the nurse that led her into the cabinet.

The doctor's office looked as sterile as one could expect. Her doctor was a nice woman who explained everything that Hanna had already read online, but it felt somewhat calming to know that she had read the right information.

Everything went smoothly until the doctor had to do an ultrasound. Hanna was about 4 weeks pregnant. The doctor kept gushing about how the baby was no bigger than a bean right now and looked like Hanna's pregnancy was going smoothly. The doctor's comments made Hanna uncomfortable. She came to her with one thing in mind and her doctor was being completely unprofessional.

Her doctor tried to show her the ultrasound, but Hanna didn't want to look. She didn't care enough to look and this made her feel bad about herself. Even more than before. The doctor also tried to give her the ultrasound picture to which Hanna asked an irritated 'Why would I need that?'. And to top that all off, the doctor told her to think about this again because it can be damaging in the future.

Hanna didn't say anything, but bid her goodbye and swore to herself to find a different doctor.

Hanna was standing at the bus stop and she was close to crying again. She never has felt as small and alone. She wanted to run to someone older and wiser, she almost wished she could turn to her mother, but she knew she wouldn't have time for her.

Why was the universe trying to be so mean to her?

Hanna arrived home and her previous emotions were replaced by anger. She threw her bag against the wall opposite the front door. Why was all of this so hard? Why couldn't it be like a dentist appointment? You go there, get your treatment and go home. No, they needed to convince you that maybe, if you are having the tiniest doubts, you should keep the child. This was complete fucking bullshit and Hanna needed a drink.

She walked into the living room and opened the cabinet where they kept all the booze and found a half-empty bottle of wine. She sat down on the sofa and started to empty the bottle while mindlessly going through the channels but nothing seemed to interest Hanna, so she left some history documentary to play in the background.