Heaven - ONC 2022 LONGLISTED - old version

chapter 19: sins and confessions

Caleb looked at the drinking glasses – both his and Sina's. He had filled them halfway with alcohol as Sina had wanted. Though they looked the same, a little secret rested in Cal's. Balling his hand into a faint fist, he felt the sting of the cut. Inside the kitchen, the knife he had used to draw blood lay in the sink. This was something he hadn't done since he'd exiled himself. Years of feeding off small animals coupled with tremendous guilt had made him lose the plot. There were nights he would bleed himself just about dry in a carafe then wearily feast off the vermillion liquid to resurrect himself.

Caleb pulled himself out of his dark thoughts and hunched forward. "Can I ask you a question?" Resting his arms on his knees, he clasped both hands around his drink and noticed it had gone warm.

Sina, who by now had sprawled on the sofa like he was trying to fuse with it, waved his gin-holding hand around. Caleb's glass was still untouched yet his was all gone. "Only if I can ask you one in return."

"You may not like it." Caleb watched as Sina rolled onto his belly and placed the glass on the floor.

"Well, you may not like mine either." Sina looked up, bit his lip then frowned. "You're not going to ask me if I have a drinking problem, are you?" He flicked his fingers against the glass. "Because I'll tell you right now that I do. I drink because the world sucks and I hate it. Can I ask you my question now?"

Frowning, Cal shook his head. "That's not what I was going to ask even though you drank half a glass of gin in under ten minutes which does cause me to worry. I'm going to ignore that for now."

"Puh-leeese. Tell me you never got drunk," Sina huffed.

"Look, I've been drunk more than a handful of times in my youth. I once got so drunk I didn't remember my own name for two days. I woke up by a lake in a town I'd never been in. My clothes were in a tree and I had a new tattoo." When Sina looked at him wide-eyed, Cal went on. "It was lifetimes ago. I'm not a saint nor do I pretend to be because I wear this." He gently touched his collar.

"So, tarnished, huh?"

"Aren't we all?"

"A tattoo though? You're some priest."

"I have more than one."

"No shit? Can I see?"

"I'm not drunk enough yet."

Sina waved a hand in the direction of Cal's glass. "Then drink."

"Can I ask you my question?"

Slumping down so that his face was buried in a cushion, Sina grunted, "Alright. So ask away."

"Why do you work at Purgatory? If you hadn't confessed, I would have never believed it."

In a snap, Sina lifted his head. A scowl decorated his face. "Are you implying I'm ugly?"

Cal drew in a breath then took a large sip before answering. "No. Who said you're ugly?"

"You were thinking it."

"Sina, I don't think you're ugly. Not in the slightest." Cal took another sip. He hated the fact Sina thought this. He wouldn't have hated this self-loathing so much had it come from someone he'd met in Heaven. But Sina was different. He didn't want Sina to feel that way. Cal felt a kinship with him. A pull – magnetic and desperate.

"Really?"

"My question is why you choose that line of work. It has nothing to with what you look like." When Sina gave him the stink-eye, Caleb sighed. "I do not think you are ugly."

A thick silence covered the room as Sina dangled his hand over the glass. Father Cal watched his fingers spider-walk along the rim. "I don't know. It felt like all I could do." Cupping the glass, Sina held it up. "Fill'er up and believe me. That's the only reason. I wasn't abused by anyone. I wasn't molested as a kid. I just believe this is all I am."