AAJO (JOURNEY)

DON'T LOOK UP.

Do you remember when we were still in secondary school, when we would sneak off while everyone else were still in class so we could kiss and explore each other bodies? Do you remember when we couldn't concentrate on lessons as we sneaked glances at each other? Do you remember how our classmates had teased us about it but you did not even care? Do you remember when we knew every corner of the school so that we could hide as we talked about the future and other things that didn't even matter?

You should remember because it was in one of those corners that you told me how much you loved me, your eyes tearing up as you kept on saying how lucky you were to have me. Do you remember when the desire and passion had been so pent up that when you had groped my breasts I could feel the frustration rolling off you in waves, when our pelvises grounded together but it was not enough? Do you remember that it was never enough? Do you remember that we had wanted more? So much more?

Do you remember when people said it wouldn't last, when the adults said that we were too young and what we were feeling would pass and then right after I had cried on your shoulder and you assured me that everything would be okay? Do you remember that you said that we would soon leave Secondary School and then we would be together forever? Do you remember that I had looked into your eyes and asked if you meant it? Do you remember that you had said yes? Do you remember that I had asked you again and you had said yes again?

Do you remember when we started to have problems, when you screamed and said words that you did not mean? Or at least I think you didn't. Can you remember what you said the problem was? You said I did not care about you. You said I liked someone else and I was cheating on him with you. You just said things. I thought you were getting tired of me but I apologized but you did not listen. You said you forgave me but you would act indifferent towards me, you would not smile at me like you used to, you would not hold my hands like before, you just drifted away from me. I apologized again and again but you had still acted horrible to me, but I was willing to forgive you. I just needed everything to be alright but you were ready to give up on us.

Nosa, you did not think of all those times that you hurt me, all those times that I was talking to you but your eyes were over my head as you laughed heartily at something some other girl said. You did not think of those times you got angry because I was angry with you, turning the table so amusingly on me, those times when you got angry with me because I was laughing with another boy while you were friends with almost every girl in the class. You did not think of those times when I had overlooked everything, when I had forgiven you without actually confronting you. You claimed that I had been making mistakes in our relationships since we started it and I said all of it was bullshit. That was what happened in a relationship, I said, you made mistakes and you were forgiven. You did not listen, you broke up with me.

Do you remember that despite all those circumstances, I tried to get you back? Do you remember that night that you had told me over text that you loved me and we would soon get back together but the next day, you told me that it would never happen because the trust was no longer there and because I had started flirting with another guy, a guy you said had caused problems in our relationship before? Was that what had gotten you off? Playing with my feelings? I think that was what it was.

Do you remember that I had sent a long message on Facebook, as I swallowed my pride, begging you to take me back, that I would be better, but you ignored me and the next day, you sent me a message on WhatsApp like nothing had happened the night before.
Even till today, you never replied the message.

Do you remember that even after we had broken up we still acted like couples? Do you remember that we fought pettily and argued about our relationship a lot? You blamed me and I blamed both of us and then you blamed me again. You blamed me for everything, Nosa. Everything all seems a bit childish now; your character and the way I was so eager to please you, the stupid way I let everything you did to me affect me, change me.