The Smirking Jerk (Blake's POV)

Chapter 86

Chapter 86

I went back to Doctor Boseman that evening.

We talked about medication again, and I actually agreed to it this time. I didn't like being this way, and now that I could think just a bit more clearly, I could admit that I didn't like the way I was thinking and the way I was feeling and that I probably needed more help.

"This won't have to be something permanent, and we might change them along the way. We'll see how you feel, and go from there," he told me.

"Okay," I just agreed, feeling somewhat smaller sitting in my chair. I kinda felt like a child.

"It's a big step you're taking, I want you to acknowledge that. It's not easy to admit you need help," Doctor Boseman said, probably noticing my slight discomfort.

"I just know I can't keep feeling like this," I admitted, feeling like I was always telling him this.

"Baby steps again. Things won't magically be alright overnight, but just the fact that you're here willing to take the steps definitely shows that you'll be able to get through this."

I wanted to tell him that I didn't know if I was as hopeful as him, but kept that to myself and instead just agreed, saying, "alright."

"What makes you happy?" he suddenly asked me, completely out of the blue.

I was kind of taken by surprised, so I replied automatically, "I don't know."

"Come on. You do know. Any hobbies?"

Anything I enjoyed doing, I'd been so actively keeping away from, that it felt wrong to somehow admit that anything ever did make me happy. "I like drawing," I answered softly.

"Alright, so if that makes you happy, you should draw."

How to explain this? What words would make it make sense? "I don't... I don't know how to say this, but I don't feel like it."

"Because in your current mental state you want to self destruct and you don't want to do things that could help you lift up your mood and actually make you feel better. You're a sort of addict to being miserable, if that makes sense."

"Ouch."

Sure, he was right, but ouch nevertheless.

"Do you disagree?" Doctor Boseman countered.

"No, you're right."

"So, when you get home, try to draw something. Try to do things that make you happy."

"Okay..." Easier said than done.

"I'd also like you sit down and write a list of things you'd like to do or get in the future."

I snorted. "You want me to do a bucket list?"

He smiled. "Not exactly. I want you to think about things you'd like to do in the next five years, or things you'd like to buy, things you'd like to change, just like small goals that you thinks might make you happy. They can be big goals too, but small things might be a little better. It can be something silly like buying some kind of collectible, or a game, or a new phone even, and then it can be little goals, like I don't know, go hiking somewhere, run a marathon," he started to enumerate. 

"I think I can already run a marathon," I cut him off.

"Alright, then don't write that one down," he chuckled. "I just want you to think about your future and about things that could make you happy. You've been very grand in the things you've expected in your life. I want to bring it back to more simple things."