That Pretty Fake Smile

|27|-I am sorry

His mind was foggy and he couldn't think straight. All he did was sit there and look in Cyrus's determined eyes.

"Is this no?" Cyrus asked, still wearing his strong facade

He sighed and removed Cyrus's hand from his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around Cyrus's waist and buried his face in Cyrus's chest, hugging him tightly. Cyrus was kinda shocked. It wasn't the reaction he expected but it's Zayn, always unpredictable. Cyrus put his chin above his head and wrapped his hands around his neck

"Is this yes?" Cyrus smiled shyly

"I am sorry" it was barely audible but Cyrus heard

"For what?" the blonde asked tilting his head a little in confusion

"We can't be together. It's a bad idea. This relationship will only hurt you. I am sorry you fell in love with someone like me. I am sorry" his voice was muffled.

"What do you mean by bad idea and someone like you? You are the best person and no one is actually good enough to deserve you. Not even me but I can't help but be selfish. Will you give us a chance?" Cyrus asked softly, his brave facade was breaking now

He is scared of rejection. He loves Zayn and wants to be with him. He regrets confessing now, scared that it will ruin their friendship too.

"You don't know me. You know nothing about my past. Once you know, you will hate me. You will regret loving me"

"Your past doesn't matter and we don't know about the future. All that matters is your present. And I know you are a good guy. You have a heart of gold. You never get tired of my bullshit. You look at me with those googly eyes even when I am being annoying as fuck. Girls are unlucky because you are gay. I want to show you off in front of them" Cyrus joked, trying to light up the mood a little

"You won't say the same thing when you learn about the sins I have committed"

"We all are sinners. Some do bigger sins, some do small. Some are proud of their sins and some are guilty. I don't know if your sins are big or small but I know you are guilty about them. And that reason is enough for me to forgive you" Cyrus whisper, playing with his hair

"My guilt will always be less than their pain" his voice was barely audible but Cyrus heard

"What did you do?" Cyrus asked softly

He has full faith in Zayn. He believes that Zayn would never intentionally do anything that would hurt someone.

"You will hate me if I tell you" Zayn said

"I will never hate you"

"Will you say the same if I say I murdered someone" his voice was brittle, as he was about to cry

It was so hard for him to say these words out. It was so hard. His own words were piercing his heart. Tears prick in his eyes. The night he tried so hard to forget, was all he could remember now. Every second, every moment replays in his head.

"Yes" Cyrus said, he thought Zayn was joking.

Zayn is so pure, he can't even hurt a fly, there is no way he will murder someone. That's what Cyrus thought. Zayn pulled away with his hands still on Cyrus's waist. He looked into Cyrus's eyes and asked

"Really?" his voice was small, like a kid

"Really" Cyrus assured

Zayn was going to say his true feelings too but the voices in his head, didn't let him. He didn't believe Cyrus's words.

"But I am sorry. I don't want to hurt you but I never thought of you in that way. I just wanted to be your friend. I wanted to end that family hatred that our parents forced on us" he lied, he turned his graze down. He can't see the hurt look on Cyrus's face

"So all that flirting, cheesy comments and care was just friendship? Nothing more? You never once felt something for me?" The pain was clear in his voice

Guilt drowned Zayn. He blames himself for Cyrus's pain. He never wanted to but he ended up hurting the person he loves the most in the world. The person who was the reason he chose not to end his life. The person who gave him light. He ended up giving that person pain. He wanted to make him happy but ended up opposite.

"I am... I am sorry. I am sorry"

"Say something else instead of saying sorry!" Cyrus yelled and got up from his lap. Zayn stands up too

Zayn flinched at his tone. He has heard him yell countless times but this time his voice held pain, anger and the want for an answer. An answer Zayn couldn't give him. Zayn grip his hair in his fist, slightly pulling.

"I... I don't know what to say. I am sorry I never wanted to hurt you. It was not my intention. I... Messed up again, didn't I? I am... Sorry. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to express my feelings. I just... Forgive me" he said in a small voice, still not meeting Cyrus's eyes. Tears were filled in their eyes. They both were on the verge of breaking down.

"Okay fine, but answer my one question before I leave. Why you always tried to be my friend if it wasn't because you like me? Why you never walked away even after hearing all those insults?"

"I wanted to end this family hatred. I don't want it to continue. And the hardest part of walking away from you was I knew if I ever walked away, you would never stop me. You wouldn't even notice that I am not here anymore" it is true, one of the reason Zayn always stick to Cyrus was because he wanted to end this hatred. Because this hatred was the reason he was born in the first place and had to suffer so much. He didn't want his next generation to go through that too. He was happy to love Cyrus from a distance, in the shadows.

"Okay.. So let me clear one thing now. You failed to end this family hatred. I am going to hate you from now on more than I hated you before because first you lead me on, made me fall in love with you and then lied it was just friendship" Cyrus yelled, pocking his finger in Zayn's chest

"I didn't lie" he mumbled

"You lied but it's so clear in your eyes. Everyone can see it. And I don't know why you are lying and pushing me away but I hate you for doing it because it fucking hurts!!" Cyrus yelled with tears rolling down from his eyes

Zayn stayed silent but there was so much in his mind. He was so overwhelmed. He has so many things to say but like always he keeps them to himself. Thinking those doesn't matter. Other people have more problems to handle, he shouldn't be selfish, dramatic and cry about his own. He hates himself too much to see that his own problems matter too, his pain and emotions matter too. Trauma made him believe that he is disgusting and he deserves to suffer so he accepts the pain and suffering with a smile on his face and open arms.

"Cyrus... I understand. I hate myself too" Zayn said softly with a small smile on his face which only held pain

Cyrus just glared at Zayn for a second and then left furiously. As soon as Cyrus left, Zayn leans on the wall and slide down, hugging his knees together. Tears streaming down his cheeks and his head hurts like it was going to explode. He sat there, looking at the stars and with tears falling continuously.

"I know I promised you Zack but it's getting so hard to keep that promise. I want to end everything and go to the place where you are at. Where people go after they die. I don't believe in heaven and hell but if they exist we will be separated again. You are in heaven and I will go to hell" he bites his lips to stop himself from sobbing

"I really wish you were here with me or I was there with you"

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