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WHEN CARL WOULD WAKE, there would be a note, awaiting him on the bedside. It's thick paper; crinkled. The wrinkles were quite obviously attempted to be removed by the press of a hand, or the smooth of a palm, but the deep running lines had failed to truly fade. Instead, it was weakly pressed together, unfolding its body on it's own by the time morning light came round.
Inside, the ink ran dark. Upon the space, a small note was written. Just for him, from me. In the dark of the cold grey concrete walls I was enclosed inside of, I could still recite the exact words I'd written, the night before. I thought maybe I had recited them at least ten times before this moment. Each instance, they rolled off my muttering lips like a quiet weep, more meaningful than the last.
"Carl,
Yesterday morning, I would have told you that there was hope in this war we're fighting. That we were going to prevail, and all would be alright. I swear, I would have. That's what I believed.
But then we saw the ocean. The very place I've been holding onto, this entire time. And suddenly, nothing felt right. This horrible feeling grew in me. One that said we weren't going to win. That something was going to go wrong. Maybe that one of us would not survive, till the end. I knew it was right. Somehow, I just knew. I don't think I've ever been so certain of something in my life, other than what we call 'love'.
After we left the beach, I knew what needed to be done; to save us all.
Do you remember when you told me that we'd be okay? That we were going to win? I believed it. I did. But after seeing the ocean, I realized something. Even if you did think you were right, you weren't. We aren't going to win, Carl. That's just how it is. How it will be. I wanted to hold onto hope. I tried so badly. But lnot everyone is as strong as you. Not many can hold out this long. I don't think a single person is willing to fight, just as harshly as you. Not even me.
That's why you're reading this. Why I left, and why I'm not going to be coming back, anytime soon. This will forever be one of my greatest regrets. Forever. Even if it's for the best. You don't see it now, but you will. I promise, you will.
