Happenstance

twenty-four

     Once in the shelter I go with Maca inside and we both greet Alicia.

“Oh, look at you two! I knew you’d be adorable,” she beams clasping her hands together and making goggling eyes and I blush furiously. I can’t even look at Maca to know how she reacts but I can hear her giggle nervously. “How was the first date?” she asks next, this time addressing Maca directly, even leaning closer as if they were sharing a secret.

I turn to watch Maca and she looks down. This time I can really see how her cheeks are also tainted red with embarrassment. I forget all about my shame and instead I focus on what she’ll say. Alicia’s said first date, which clearly has a romantic intent and if Maca says something to take that away and just tries to make it sound casual, then I’ll know we don’t have the same intentions. However, if she lets it pass, then that means that maybe I can totally ask her for a second date without feeling like I’m pushing her or something like that.

“It wasn’t like that,” she says, almost a whisper. 

But I hear it, loud and clear and I feel a stab in my chest, a sharp pain that I have never felt before. It’s not the kind of pain when you’re hit or get one of those weird aches when you don’t breathe properly; it’s more complicated and alien and it disorientates me for a second.

Then realisation hits me. 

Yeah, sure thing, she leaned in for the kiss when I almost managed to do that, but that doesn’t exactly mean she has the same intentions that I do. She could’ve just been carried by the spur of the moment. I shouldn’t read more than what’s actually written. I can’t expect her to have the same feelings I do because even I’m aware it is not normal to feel like this for someone who’s a virtual stranger, no matter how different it feels for me. She didn’t even know my name until yesterday and that’s something essential when it comes to getting to know someone. I knew her name, I had the upper hand.

I am very aware of all that and I know it makes more sense that she doesn’t correspond my feelings, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt to face the ugly truth.

“—but we had an amazing time. The whole day was a once-in-a-lifetime experience,” Maca finishes and I look away, trying to compose myself after what I heard.

“And why are you two together now? Are you stalking her, Reid?” Alicia asks me this time and I focus on her this time.

“I offered to drop her at uni and pick the things she left here yesterday,” I reply, avoiding mentioning the fact that Maca spent the night at my flat. I don’t want to embarrass her or give Alicia ideas that are clearly groundless.

“Always the gentleman type, Reid. Well done.” Alicia turns to look at Maca then winks. “He’s a catch and I’m not saying it 'cos I’m his friend but because it’s the truth,” she says in a whisper, even making a barrier for her mouth with one hand but I can still hear her. What she’s doing is useless. “Anyhow!” she adds, loudly this time. “I’ll go fetch your things where I left them yesterday. You have classes and I don’t wanna make you run late.”

And like that Alicia leaves us. I feel rather awkward, almost as when Maca showed up on the rooftop to finally meet me. I don’t know what to say and I’m having a hard time to smile. I keep hearing the echo of her words in my mind, the whole it wasn’t like that that stabs me over and over again. 

I realise disillusionment is quite painful and I wasn’t prepared for that.

Maca doesn’t say anything and I wonder if she also feels as uncomfortable as I’m feeling. I doubt it. She is not feeling heartbroken now because the hopes she was harbouring all night were crushed in a matter of four words. However, she might feel the awkwardness emanating from me.