The following is an excerpt from my profile on the online dating website OkCupid.
Describe what a romantic weekend with you is like.
It's Friday night. I surprise you and come home early. I crawl into bed. "I've got a headache," I say. "We should probably cancel that thing tonight."
That thing is meeting your parents. That headache is me feeling anti-social and wanting to read the science fiction issue of the New Yorker. I do. There's a story about parallel worlds and telepathic aliens. It's awesome.
You dissolve 10mg of melatonin under your tongue and fall asleep angry.
It's Saturday morning. I surprise you with breakfast in bed: freshly squeezed orange juice and homemade waffles. You tell me that you're gluten intolerant. I suggest you're being duped by "that stupid paleo fad." You counter with, "Celiac disease isn't a fad, Colin. It's a fucking disease."
"Polio is a disease!" I say, but you can't hear. You're already out the door and on your way to play tennis.
It's Saturday evening. You come home to find me in my pajamas drinking a glass of rare single-malt whisky your grandfather left you. You begin packing a duffle bag.
"Another lousy doubles match?" I say.
"Go to hell."
I take a sip of your grandfather's whisky.
"I'm leaving."
"I'd love to come with you," I say, "but I've got a headache."
