𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒆 - 𝑻𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒔 𝑹𝒂𝒈𝒈𝒊

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E L E N A

I know I was never supposed to be like this on messages to Thomas. But he was acting too sweet. And again, he dumped me. I did never dump him. I can't help it that I'm bitchy, but I'm always honest. That he is coming over tomorrow gives me a nauseous feeling. Not because it's him, but because it's gonna be awkward as fucked again.

I saw Thomas today, and my feelings for him came back. Yea we broke up, but because he wanted too. I always had feelings for him, and those feelings will never go away. I close my eyes and try to think of something else, which is hard. Isn't it a little bit creepy that this morning I woke up, having a dream about him and a few hours later I see him, after not seeing him for months.

November 12th 2019

My eyes softly open, and I see balloons everwhere in my room. It's my birthday, Thomas is already awake. First he kisses my shoulders gently, but when he sees I'm awake his kisses come to my mouth. "Happy birthday dolcezza", he calling me dolcezza gives me chills. I love it when he gives me nicknames. I forget about the whole world.

And let myself drown in his birthday touches and kisses. "The band and Nica are coming this afternoon", I stop him from talking and wrap my legs around his hips. Signaling that I want him. "You will get your presents when everyone is here, you have a special wish for now, dolcezza?". I throw my head back when he start kissing my neck, soft.

"You", I moan quietly. "What is your wish, I did not hear you?", he giggles while his lips trace over my neck. "You!", I moan it loader. My words make him awake and this soft kissing moment turns into something hot.

The whole day til now, my heart is racing. Tonight I had another dream flashback about Thomas. It was almost the same one as yesterday. The whole day I feel nauseous and nervous, for Thomas, who is coming within twenty minutes.

I haven't told Nica and Victoria that Thomas is coming over yet, they would freak out. I will tell them after he is gone. He said he was going to 'explain' some thing. Yesterday he said it had something to do with his mental health.

I feel bad about being such a bitch yesterday on our chat messages. I'm already making coffee. I'm lucky I know what kind of coffee he wants, he hates all the other coffees. He only drinks real italian latte macchiato, and only the real one.

I waiton the couch, with my third cagarette already, when I hear my doorbell. He used to just walk in, because he had the keys. It must be weird for him too to be here again. "Hi Thomas", I smile as friendly as my nervous face can. He nods smiling back, walking into the appartment.

"I made your favorite coffee", I hand him the hot cup and he smells it, like he always does. "It smells delicious". He sits down on the chair he always used to sit. It's silent, until I say something. "Hey uhm, I-I'm sorry I acted like a bitch yesterday over the phone", I look at the ground and Thomas chuckles.

"It's okay, I totally get you", he takes a big sip of his coffee. "I just wanted to tell you about why I broke up, It was nothing about you". I smile, still a little awkward. "My therapist told me to take some time off work, with no distractions, just me working on my mental health". He takes a deep breath and continues talking.

"And I was scared, because you did not even know I was going to a therapist. I thought you were gonna think I was a pussy or something", he takes another deep breath but stays quiet.

The whole thing is starting to make sence, he was acting a little different the time before we broke up. I feel bad for not noticing there was something wrong with him. "You should have told me, I could help you". "I know I should have done that".

We both look at the ground, for more than five minutes. it's not even awkward anymore. All I can feel is guilt. Guilt for not noticing my boyfriend was having a hard time back than. Thomas is the first one who interrupts te silence.

"I'm sorry Elena, you deserved better, way better", he lights himself a cigarette, because he know I allow smoking inside my house. Normally I would light a cigarette too, but I can't right now.

"I'm also sorry, for not noticing it", he looks up. "No no, you couldn't notice. I pushed it away. And I was indeed too pussy to tell you". I feel tears coming up, I avoid them. "Why didn't you let me help you?". I drink the last out of my coffee cup and take mine and Thomas' to the kitchen.

"I was scared, scared you would break up with me for having an unstabile mental health", I chuckle. "Why, why would I do that?". "Because you wanted a badass boyfriend, and not a boyfriend who goes to a therapist". His words make me feel more and more guilt.

And he was also wrong, I did never wanted a badass boyfriend. I never wanted a cool rich guy who had everything figured out. All I ever wanted was Thomas Raggi. No matter how he was, how he was feeling, how he was acting. I just always wanted him.  

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imagine dating thomas, thank me later ;)