OUT OF THE RED ↝ dave grohl

one-hundred.

IT WAS TIME.

Reagan knew it was time. As badly as every cell in her body ached against it, she knew very well that the time had come for her to try to be happy again. 

It had become almost silly, the way she had fought urges to smile or laugh or simply enjoy the fact that she was alive. Feeling those things had felt like a betrayal to Kurt, who would never do any of them again, but a wriggling ounce of strength inside her insisted that she had to keep going.

She sat on the couch, leaning over the coffee table with one of Dave's discarded Bic pens. Twirling it in her fingers, she stared down at the blank sheet of paper in front of her. Another stolen item from Dave, this one ripped out of his notebook.

Reagan took a deep breath and let the air fill her to the brim. Her eyes were still producing tears, which she felt pooling at that very moment, but if she wanted a true goodbye then this was the way to do it. 

Slowly, she touched the pen down in between the paper's blue lines. 

Kurt,

I've been questioning a lot how you want to be remembered. A part of me thinks that you died still hating the fame, knowing that everyone around the world would mourn you. But then another part of me, the part that truly knows you, thinks that you left believing that no one would ever miss you.

That's not true. I've missed you every day since you left and it's not even odd to me, though we didn't speak on a daily basis. I realize now that some small piece of my happiness came from knowing that you simply existed. And if you're wondering, I will always remember you as I met you. I will always give you the credit you didn't think you deserved for being kind to me on the day we met.

If it's any consolation, I promise you that I'll live every day remembering you the way I think you'd want to be remembered. Someone who loved the music and tried their best. I'm going to remember the way you made me feel, knowing that I could be myself around you. I found a reflection of who I am in you and for that, I'll always be grateful. 

Sometimes it was like your surface was so hard to break through. I know you were scared. But how lucky am I to have broken that surface and known you as you truly were? When you first called me your sister, I was happy because you were my brother. To me, you always have been that and always will be. And despite everything, how it ended, I'm proud of you. I don't think I could have done what you did when you created Nirvana and although this would make you roll your eyes, I don't think anyone will ever come close to being what you were.

You were surrounded by so many people at the end, but knowing that you trusted me, that together we could still be the friends just jamming out in Olympia, is what helps me get through this. That is the 'you' that will follow me around for the rest of my life and I'm content with that.

I don't know to what extent I'll be able to, with Courtney around all, but if I can be there for Frances, I promise you that I will. There are tons of stories that she will be told about you and if my own make the cut, nothing would make me happier. She'll always be loved, Kurt, and though it would be a thousand times more right if you were here, she will be happy. If I can play a role in ensuring that, I promise you. I'll make it happen.

You changed my life in a lot of ways. I think about what you said on that last day we spent together, how you joked that you were the reason that I'd met Dave. Now that I think about it, it's not a joke at all. You are the reason I am with him. If you had never called me, asking me to play that show, I would have never known what it's like to be really, really in love. How could I ever repay you for that gift, especially when you're not here? 

I have a favor to ask, even though it's too late for favors and probably really shitty of me to bring it up. But wherever you are, my one hope is that you check in on Dave sometimes. Not even me. Just him, because trust me, he already misses you more than you know. No matter what happened over the last year, he loved you so much. You inspired him just by being yourself. I have this sick, deep feeling that there will come a day when my words won't be able to help him, so if you could just be there for him in whatever form you're now in, I would appreciate it.

Just know that you are loved. Even now, after everything, you are loved. Not only does the world love you, but the people in your life loved you too, and if there was anything that I could have done to change this and failed to do then I am so, so sorry. 

Things changed for you and I know that. The thing you loved turned into a gross imitation of what it was supposed to be. But you embodied the music. Until the very end, you were a true representation of what it's all about at heart, and please never forget that. I'll always admire you for confirming to me that there were people in the world who didn't have to be perfect but could still be wonderful. 

I miss you. I'll always miss you. Dave will always miss you. I hope that you found some kind of peace now, where you can rest and be truly yourself and do what you love without having to suffocate in the process. That's what I want for you now.

I love you. Thank you. For everything. 

I will always be your backup drummer. 

[  END OF PART 1 ]