*Disclaimer: this is a personal matter on something I'm dealing with. Also apologies if it reads a little funky in areas, I was using the talk-type feature...so it was just typing as I spoke in the mic. I tried to edit as best I could.
So I have anxiety. And I've had it since I was in 5th grade, possibly even longer than that. It's something that I deal with every day, especially when I'm up here at college. And I hate it. I actually have two versions of anxiety, social anxiety and situational/general anxiety. Both have impacted my college career.
As far as my social anxiety, it's really hard for me to put myself out there and make friends and approach other people. I'm actually an introvert, so those situations always make me uncomfortable. And being social in his day and age is very important because talking is everything. I can turn it off and on, but I prefer to listen. I'm very perceptive.
As far as situational anxiety, like I said, I had it since I was in 5th grade, probably even earlier than that. I noticed it when I was in class. It would be quiet and I would just feel so much pressure to be quiet. "Don't move. Don't make a sound" I also remember my teacher would have us read something from the textbook and again, everyone had to be quiet and face a certain direction. I literally couldn't concentrate so I got up to go to the bathroom. I took so long in the bathroom too, just so I could calm myself down. I didn't really know what was going on with me. I don't think any kid knows at that point what's going on.
Now we we're taking the pre PSAS, which is a standardized test in PA I believe. It was a quiet classroom again and no one could talk or get up. It was really restricted. And again, I felt that pressure too. I remember getting up and acting like I was going to go blow my nose. Just making up shit to escape that environment. It was really bad. The hall monitor or whoever my proctor was came out and said "You're not allowed to leave the room". I told him that I couldn't go back in there, it was just too much. Then he told me that I might have anxiety and that's how it all came about.
Ever since then, it has just been really hard for me to deal with it. Throughout high school it affected me. Taking the SATs was a nightmare having anxiety, but thankfully my school was able to work with me and I was able to take my test with one other person in the room. Once it was time for college, I was scared to death because how was I going to cope with my anxiety being hours away from home. I was just the most scared I ever been at 18. Just the thought of being around all these people in a big lecture hall was intimidating. I was not looking forward to it at all and having to take tests in that same environment, I was definitely not looking forward to it! Even orientation was a struggle just to sit with all these people in the crowd. You know everyone had to be quiet and listen. It was...it was a struggle.
And as a senior today, I'm glad I've been able to get through it for as long as I have been. Although this is my final year, I still have it and it still affects me every time I go to class in person. To explain the feeling, you just feel really restricted. You don't want to get up especially while the teacher is presenting and talking. The good thing about college is that you can just walk out, but still you really don't want to keep stepping out and draw attention to yourself.
During an episode, it feels like I'm sitting on the bomb and I can't move from it. Like imagine sitting on a stool surrounded by a bunch of knives and spears. When I'm nervous, my stomach is the enemy. It will make noise. It will do anything just to be disruptive and it just feels uncomfortable as well. All while the teacher is lecturing....and I'm not even paying attention because I'm just worried about maintaining my comfortability. My thought process is just how am I going to survive the class and get to the end of class without having a major panic attack and just walking out or running out like. Instead of just going to class, absorbing the content and actually learning something, I'm just dealing with that. Also, when I'm nervous, and especially when I have to speak out loud and publicly publicly speak, it's also really bad as well. And they always say oh, everyone is nervous about public speaking. Its common, I get all that but people can still get through it. Even though, they might be a little nervous, they can quickly get over it. Me? It doesn't quickly go away, it just lingers and builds to the highest level of pressure there is. It's just bad. I remember in my freshman year I had to present for the first time in college and it was a group presentation. I fell apart and had a moment that you think you will only see on TV. I really had stage fright and....lost my mind. I literally lost it. I lost my train of thought–like I couldn't even talk anymore. I couldn't remember how to read! It was words right there in front of me and I just couldn't process anything. Its funny now that I really had that moment 'cause it's just so unrealistic, but it really happened and it really traumatized the hell out of me. Like I could not read anymore....like I really lost it. I lost my train of thought....I lost my ability to speak, to read, to comprehend. I just had to tell my team to go without me.
After having that moment I just knew my body mentally cannot handle that no matter how much I told myself I'd be alright. I had all the confidence in the world that day 'cause I was the person who wrote the presentation, who came up with the great idea. So I was really confident and I wanted to talk. I wanted to explain, you know, my thinking process and my idea 'cause I wrote it but just when it came time, I just– It just fell apart and I haven't been the same since.
I was so embarrassed. I remember after class I just I just wanted to go home and go into my sheets like I didn't want to come out. I didn't want to go to that class anymore. I just remember calling my parents that day and I just cried. I just cried on the phone 'cause I was just so embarrassed and I just felt...It was really bad. Like to have a meltdown as horrific as I did. It was really bad.
And even though it traumatized me, I still pushed myself to keep trying and I had another class that I just had to say one sentence over Zoom in and I just remember freaking out over that. Just to say one sentence. The day before, it was all I could think about is –that I have to talk to the class tomorrow. That's all I could think about. I couldn't get my mind off any off of it. And once the day finally came, my body woke me up so early because it was on my subconscious while I sleep. Like my nerves woke me up.
I remember having to talk to myself for two hours to try and calm myself down 'cause I was really going through it and all I had to do was say a damn sentence in class over zoom. They didn't have to see my face or anything. Once that moment came and it was 10:10, the time of my class, I was panicky all over again. After just coaching myself to breathe and calm down 2 hours prior. I even thought about just leaving and skipping the class. I just wanted to flee. Sometimes my head tells me just to flee to avoid it, to run.
I stuck with staying though and I pushed myself to be like one of the first speakers to speak just to get it over with because I couldn't deal with anticipation. I couldn't deal with the pressure. And I'm pretty sure people heard how nervous I was just by my voice, my voice was shaking. Everyone can see how nervous I be 'cause how shaky my voice gets or if I'd leave the room. It is visible for other people to see. So when I am having anxiety attacks, I do try to maintain it and mask it well so people don't know that I'm having anxiety attack. I don't want to draw even more attention on me. I don't like having all the attention on me. I don't do well in those situations at all.
I really have a problem with anxiety and the fear of attention and all that. And college has definitely made it hard for me. I just wonder like what kind of help is out there. Because everyone is recommending that I go to some type of talk therapy, but really can talk therapy get me through anxiety? Through class? I don't know. I kinda don't believe in it. And this is why it's taking me so long to really get into it and make an appointment with them. I just don't know how effective it's going to be. And I don't wanna waste my time. I wasted time before.
And this class I'm having anxiety in now, we have to give two group presentations and I'm not talking, so whatever group I'm in, I'm telling him right off the bat like I am not presenting. I'm sorry but I cannot put my body through that. No matter how many times I've tried, it's just the pressure. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. That pressure is just really bad. And I can't afford to not only make a fool of myself and embarrass myself in front of all these people, but my other group members as well. I would feel just how I felt my freshman year. I felt– I just felt like shit. I felt like shit.
And I felt so bad that I embarrassed them as well. Not only did I embarrass myself, but I embarrassed my team and I can't now. I can't do that anymore. Some people are born with silver tongues, but not everyone, you know. And not everyone has a great speaking voice, not everyone is a great writer. Not everyone is. We all have flaws
For me, it's definitely speaking publicly. And sometimes speaking, in general. I'm just not good at it and you know, I could do everything in the world and practice. And tell myself I'm be alright and keep up my confidence, but once it's the moment...the pressure is on. I cannot deal with it. I cannot handle it, I cannot. I can't. I just don't like how my body reacts to it. And when you feel like you don't have control over of your own body, you just tend not to even put your body through that anymore.
And that's where I'm at with it.
Q: any of you struggle with anxiety? Etc
