destructive // l. hemmings

chapter eight

The chill of London's night is forgotten in the glow of my lighter as the nicotine warms my body from the inside, out. I lean against the doorway, peering out towards the backyard, for it was the only place safe enough where I could stand without being seen. The dim lighting from the streetlight shined down on the grass, the only other thing placed inside the fencing was a few chairs, the rust forming at the edges of the armrests.

The sweet scent of rain filled my nose as I stepped further out onto the dark pavement. The feeling of isolation completely taking away the crisp feeling of the wind.  There in front of me, stood a steel fence that stood high above me and the outside world was nowhere to be seen, just a surrounding barrier of fall colorless trees.

The dim lights from the other streetlights were the only thing that seemed to help me breathe.  It was the daylight that worried us all, the constant checking of surveillance cameras had turned Luke into a control freak.  The only time we were even remotely close to communicating was when he would ask me if I had stepped outside at all. I had to lie to him, knowing damn well that I was spending my nights as I was right now, blowing smoke into the crisp air, staring down the empty void. I simply waited until everyone else was fast asleep, or at least they had disappeared into their rooms and I would sneak down. When he asked, I told him that I wouldn't dream of walking outside for I was far too scared, and went on with my routine, consisting of reading books and destroying my lungs.  I would sit next to the open window in our shared room for hours, the gentle breeze bringing comfort to my warm skin as I turn the pages of a book I've read almost three times now, Alice in Wonderland. Oh, how delusional her life had become once she fell down that rabbit hole.

Reading kept me out of trouble, but deep down, I knew I still felt that urge, to venture out into the city. I wanted to leave this dusty house for a day, and roam the streets, blending with the people and just taking in a breath of fresh air, but it didn't matter. None of it mattered because we all knew the truth, Rickie was ten steps ahead of us.

•••

I had finished the last page of a book before laying it down on the floor with a loud sigh.  I closed my eyes for a moment, my head softly coming in contact with the wall as I laid back.  I let out a quick sigh before sticking a cigarette between my lips and lighting it with the spare lighter from my overalls.  I ran my fingers through my tangled hair, feeling each and every knot that twisted between my knuckles before inhaling the nicotine.  I looked around the room.  The pale-colored walls clashed against bright fabrics and a record player laid underneath the bed.  The dust beneath the box had collected and spiders crawled along the sides. For a moment, memories of the early years ran through my head.  The images of my old house, music filling the air that flowed through each room clouded my thoughts for a split second as I could almost hear the melody, before a knock pushed the sound away. I opened my eyes back up, facing the direction of the noise.

"May I come in?" Lex's soft voice rang smoothly behind the door.  I stood up from my spot on the wooden floor and walked to the door.  Reaching my hand out, I turned the knob and was greeted with her weary face.  She looked as if she hadn't slept in days and I really couldn't blame her because everything that was going on kept me up at night as well. However, seeing her like this felt different to me; the once happy-go-lucky behavior was replaced with the look of insomnia that filled her green eyes.

"How are you holding up?" She asked, nonchalantly sitting down on the bed.

"As fine as I can be, how's Luke?" I ask, rubbing my hands together nervously.

Lex lets out a sigh before answering, worrying me every minute she delays like that. "You need to tell him to quit pacing, it drives me fucking crazy." 

I laughed lightly, imagining him walking back and forth on the wooden floor, caring more about others than himself -- a side of him I was just recently acquainted with.

"I think I earned the right to go outside, just for a few minutes. It won't do any harm, will it?" I ask, turning towards the cousin I grew attached to all my life.

"You can't, not during the day," She insists.

"This is bullshit. Why can't I take a step outside, or go into town for fuck's sake? I mean, it's not like people know who I am."

"Yeah, but Rickie's little henchman know you, and they sure as hell know we ran. If you want to get us caught, just know that our deaths were on your hands," She implies, throwing her hands after each word. I didn't want to sit here and argue with her so I leave it at that, I walk past her and down the hallway.  As I turn the corner in a huff, I run into Rebecca -- the last face I want to see right now.  She glances at me for a split second before walking past, her heels tapping against the wood each time she stepped.  The noise ticked into my head until it disappeared.

All the time I spent here, I hadn't taken a second to look around.  So, with that, I proceeded with my tour by walking forward and being met with a spiral staircase in the middle of the hallway. I stepped up on each piece of wooden, walking upwards until reaching the end that led into the attic. The room was quite large compared to all the other rooms; the walls were covered in antique portraits on top of the white paint while the floorboards were filled with boxes. Each painting was either of a man or a woman, all seeming to have the same expressions, anger. I continued looking through the rest of the room, from cases of guns to blueprints to old estates. I had wondered if all of these items were Josh and Rebecca's family possessions or if they had come along with the house. As I relished on that thought, I had wondered if this was even their house -- maybe the owners were buried in the basement, or in the backyard.

A shuffling sound had pulled me from my thoughts, alarming me to the point that I jumped and turned towards the noise, seeing Luke standing several feet away from me. I let out a sigh of relief, setting the painting in my hands down on its original easel.

"What are you doing up here?" He asked, obviously curious as to why I'm snooping.

"I-I was just looking around." I stuttered, walking towards him. Talking to him felt like I was talking to a stranger; all the time we spent not speaking just made things feel like we were living in two different worlds and this was the moment where we were meeting.

He let out a deep sigh, running his fingers through his long blonde locks before they were hidden underneath a black beanie.  I stood in front of the boy I fell in love with, seeing his tired eyes looking to mine and feeling like I didn't know him. I analyzed his movements, watching as his body stiffened to the sensation of my hands on his arm, but soon relaxed. His lips formed a small smile as his hands went up the sides of my face, gently rubbing circles against my skin.

"I love you..." I whisper, kissing his thumb as it slid across my bottom lip.

"I know," He whispers back, bringing his soft lips to mine before he was gone, retreating back down the stairs. I looked down at the ground, feeling as if I was being eating up from the inside out. There wasn't any moments of romantic gestures anymore, there was only fear of keeping me safe. That was what his life consisted of. I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat as I could feel my eyes swell. I took one last glance over the items surrounding me before I walking down the stairway just as Luke did.