A Court of Lies and Secrets | ACOTAR fanfic [Girl x Girl]

Broken

~Renae~

I don't hold back the tear that creeps down my cheek. I can't do anything else but sit there- helplessly clinging to the metal as if the manacles are Alirra. She's gone. I've lost her. I'd blame myself if it wasn't for the demon before me. It's her fault. Her and Iagan. They're so hateful that they can't accept that I'm happy. They have to ruin it. They have to take what I love, they have to torture me and make me remember why they hate me. They can never leave me alone and happy.

"Where. Is. She." I can't muster the energy to say her name. I can't say it- it'll hurt too much.

Her cold expression doesn't change and she doesn't respond. She just takes a small step closer.

"Why? Why do you hate me? Why could you possibly want to hurt me is much? What could I have ever done to you that makes you want to steal any chance of happiness away from me?" I don't stop. I can't. the questions fall out of me like the tears. She shows no interest, no care or heartbreak in the fact her daughter- her own flesh and blood- sits at her feet in a broken mess.

"Why are you so driven with hate when it comes to my mate and I?" She doesn't respond once again. Her exterior doesn't falter. There isn't a flicker of sorrow or grief. What's more if, there is no vein bulging at the side of her head like there usually is when I mention Alirra. She never physically acts on the boiling hatred but I can sense it with her expressions and clenched fists. But there's nothing. No emotion. She may as well not be here at all...

I stand. Stalk towards her still figure whilst she watches my every movement. Pull out and Illyrian dagger and force it through her middle with ease. No blood, not pain and still no signs that she even registered any of that. The image withers away into nothing but shadows and dust.

Another illusion.

"It wouldn't let me winnow inside- where's Ali?" Azriel is by my side in an instant once I winnow back through the wall. I can't give up hope. I won't tell him we've lost her because I know there's still a chance. I can still feel her on the other side of the bond and I won't stop looking until I find her. If she fades away along with the bond then I will hunt the King and Queen down if it brings me down with them.

"Nothing but chains. They can't be too far." I keep words to a minimum because still the tears fall one by one. Not heaving sobs but enough my strength will allow.

He doesn't say another word as we race down the stairs. My desperation has been overtaken by a thick cloud of doubt and the spark of hope faded as soon as Ginerva's vision appeared. I don't want to give up because I have nothing else to do. Nothing else to lose. But if I'm honest, I have no hope left. Nothing inside me believes I'll succeed. I'm only driven, now, by the numbness of not having Ali by my side.

I think Azriel can sense all of that, and if this wasn't all about my mate, he would drag my sorry arse home so I can wallow in sadness there instead.

Stepping out of the Hybern castle and back into the streets makes my heart ache even harder. I raced in here imagining leaving with Alirra at my side. I've failed her. These streets are just salt in the wound. The air itself whispering in my ears how I've failed.

I don't bother asking Azriel to pull us into the shadows. I don't care who finds us or what they do with us. However, I do winnow back to the woods- to the others- now that I know the way and Az appears soon after.

The facial expressions I receive when the world reforms before my eyes is enough to make me want to beg before the Cauldron for it to take me now. The grief and heartbreak and expecting glares- waiting for Alirra to slowly join us is overwhelming. I want to scream. I want to collapse at their feet like I was moments ago before Ginerva and cry out so the Gods themselves can hear me. I would say my chest aches and I feel lost without her and more sappy things like that but I seriously only feel numb. Cold, tired, numb: I can't possibly feel anything else. She's gone and I am in no way ready to deal with this.

"They can't be too far from us. Running to the Mother knows where." Azriel explains to everyone. I'm sure they're relieved that she isn't dead and that we still have a chance to find her, but I feel no relief.

"Where do we begin?" Even Azriel turns to face me at that question from Vassa. I hadn't looked around to see if she'd got back to the others safely. The thought hadn't crossed my mind and earlier I would've been ashamed at that.

I can't remove my eyes from the ground, the little tufts of grass that push through the thick mud at the base of the ugly Hybern trees. If I could answer her question, I would. If I knew how to get her back, I would. I don't know anything. I can't feel anything.

"I say we check the seas, look for ships..." Rhysand takes control of the situation and finally people avert their attention away from the frail coward suddenly amused by blades of grass.

I don't listen to their conversation, don't give them my opinion. I just sit there and drown out their argumentative shouts- always incapable of forming a plan without a screaming match. I'd usually love to swoop in and break apart the yelling.

I'm pulled from my helpless position after Feyre yells that we're wasting time and everyone agrees. Those without wings plan to search the streets and the castle some more. Illyrians will use their strengths to search the sees. I'm obviously placed in the last category and forced into flight.

~~~

I try to stay focused on the waves below- in search for anything that doesn't belong- anything unnatural. The others have separated and are circling the whole island and the coast of Prythian whilst I search the Eastern coast of Hybern. This was a group-assigned post ,whilst I once again did nothing but exist.

I need my fire back. I need those butterflies of desperation and the light of hope. A flicker of anger anything. Something to feel normal and motivated again.

I choose anger and focus on all the ways I'll make Iagan and Ginerva suffer. I spend a little too much time thinking about who I want to suffer the most and decide on an equal serving for the both of them. So by the time I can't think of anymore methods of torture, a small speck catches my eye- sure enough a small boat crashes through the waves with minimal effort.

I feel an all too familiar pull in my chest and swoop down, closer to the ship. I don't try to land with grace or silence. I want her to know I'm here. Want her to come to me.

Moments later, Ginerva appears before me as Rhys and Cassian join my side. No doubt Rhys is alerting Feyre right now and soon the word will be spread. She's outnumbered.

The vein is forcing itself out of her skull and her fists are clenched at her sides. This is her. The Queen has finally showed her face.

Don't forget to vote if you're enjoying it so far :D
Thanks for reading!