Fighting For What's Missing

59.

Agnes
A few days later...

"I can't believe she left me that house," Rob mutters as we climb the porch steps. We have just returned from grandma's funeral. It was nice...small. She made it very clear in the letter she left us that she wanted to be cremated and had her ashes spread down by the water. Gloria had stopped by too, which was perfect considering grandma wanted her there. Lena couldn't make it though, the judge wouldn't allow her any more days so Lena had to go back.

Daddy sucks his teeth and Rob abruptly stops. "What's that supposed to mean?" Rob asks in a tone I thought he wasn't capable of; annoyed.

Daddy stops, pauses for a second then turns to face Rob and me. "Nothing," he lies.

Rob and I share a glance then he settles his attention on daddy again. "What's your problem?"

"I don't have a freaking problem," daddy says through his teeth.

Rob scoffs. "You're lying to me and Agnes now?"

"Don't do that. Don't bring her in like that."

"Our mother just died!" Rob says, raising his voice. "And you want to act like a baby because I got the house?!"

Daddy laughs, but it's dry and humorless. "You think the house is what I'm upset about?!"

"Yes!"

"Well, you're a fucking idiot. My mother died a long time ago!" He yells then turns, crosses the porch, and opens the front door, disappearing inside. Rob and I call after him-mine more meaningful and concerning, Rob's more frustrating and annoyed-as we run in after him. "What?!" Daddy barks over his shoulder, heading for the stairs.

"You're that much of a child?!" Rob asks.

Something in daddy snaps. He comes to a sudden halt, his body tensing as he slowly turns and faces us. "A child? You think I'm acting like a child?" The dead stillness of daddy's voice sends a chill down my spine. I step back horrified. But Rob doesn't.

"Yes. Our mother...we just..."

"Lena was raped," daddy says, and I gasp. "Lena was raped and Tisha knew about it but she didn't do anything about it! She fucking blames Lena for what happened! So as always, I stepped up. I took care of Lena." Daddy steps closer, getting in Rob's face. "I almost killed that bastard who raped my little sister. It was me-all fucking me. But the cops arrested Lena because he was her drug dealer. Now my sister is doing time for a crime she didn't commit."

"You can't blame Tisha for that," Rob says in a small voice, his eyes glued to the floor.

"I can't?" Daddy shove Rob back. "All this money and she didn't send Lena any. Or me if you want to count that. All this money and she didn't get a good lawyer for Lena." We fall into an eerie, unexplainable silence, letting daddy's words hang there. Rob still refuses to let daddy's gaze. I think he's crying. I think I am. My feelings...my mind...they all seem to be racing at the speed of light, and I sure as hell can't catch up. I don't know what to think of how to feel. "Lena might've been about to forgive Tisha," daddy continues, his tone softer-still rude but softer. "But not me."

Minutes or hours-its hard to tell-has passed of the three of us just standing there. Since it's clear the conversation is over, I step up and grab daddy's arm. "Let's finish packing," I whisper. He nods then heads upstairs. "I'm sorry," I tell Rob.

Daddy just shattered Rob's image of the only mother he's ever known.

"Me too."

I jog upstairs and hurry to my room. I gasp at the sight before me; daddy crying. I'm at his side in a blink of his eye. "Daddy?" I whisper, rubbing his back.

Very aggressively, he wipes away his tears and sits up. "I'm fine," he lies.

Normally I wouldn't force him to vent but today's different. "Daddy," I say more firmly. "We're not allowed to hide from each other." He lifts his head and looks at me...shocked. "What?" I question his expression.

"You're...you're not afraid of me? You don't look at me differently?"

"No...? Why would I?"

"Because of what I said. Because of what I did."

"You mean protecting Lena? No, daddy, I'm not going to look at you differently." I sit down next to him.

"But I...I...I almost..."

"You're still my daddy." He softens, a small grin playing at the corner of his lips. He was scared of me knowing what he did...what he did for Lena...now that I think about it... "Lena...was going to tell me, wasn't she?" He nods. "But you stopped her." He nods again.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked about Tisha that way. Not today."

"Thank you for apologizing...but I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."

Daddy sighs. "He hates me."

"He's upset...probably angry too, but hateful is not him. Please, daddy?"

"Okay..." he leans over and plants a kiss on my forehead.

We go downstairs but find the entire first floor empty. Without saying a word, daddy heads back upstairs. I follow him and for a second I think he's going back to my room, but he turns into grandma's room. Rob's standing by the window.

"'Sorry' doesn't even come close," daddy says.

Rob shrugs with one shoulder. "I don't think so either."

"Tell me...?" Daddy steps closer and shoves his hands in his pockets.

Finally, Rob looks at daddy. "I miss her. And I'm not going to hide that. I know what she did...what she didn't do...it wasn't right, but she cared about me. She loved me-"

"I know."

"She left me the house but told me to sell it-" he holds up grandma's note, and a gasp escapes from my lips "-she didn't want you worrying about selling a house, not with Agnes and especially not when you're three hours away. So she asked me. And I'm supposed to give you seventy percent of the sell."

"It's Agnes'," daddy says then mutters, "shit."

Wait, what?

Rob chuckles, dropping his hand.

"We good?" Rob nods then Daddy crosses the room and hugs him.

After their settlement, daddy and I go back to my room and finish packing.

"Daddy?" I ask.

"Mm?"

"Why did you curse when you said the money was mine?"

"Because that was Tisha's plan along. She knew I would never take money from her, not even for you." I nod even though he's not looking at me. "I didn't mean it like that," he quickly adds.

"I know." My daddy's stubborn but he means well, he always does and always will. Despite what happened today, I know he feels something for grandma. I'm not sure what is it but it's something.

"Agnes?"

"Yeah?" I take a seat at the desk, and daddy leans on it, folding his arms over his chest. I have a flashback of when we first came here. I was so young and daddy was still unsure about me. But he was there like he promised.

"How are you doing with everything? This is your first..."

"Dunno," I shrug. "I'm trying not to be sad about her death."

"You know that's okay, right, baby girl?"

"I know. I just don't want to be sad that she's gone, she wouldn't want that. She would want us to be happy that she lived." I drop my gaze to my lap and pick at my fingers. "I would want that."

Daddy exhales loudly. "Please don't ever say something like that again. Do you hear me?"

I nod. "I'm sorry."

"Come here." He grabs me by my arms, yanks me out of the chair, and holds me.

"I am sorry."