Fighting For What's Missing

58.

It's official; I'm an asshole.

When Rob finally showed up, he saw Tisha and could not stop crying. He looked at her as if she was her mother and in some ways she is. But not with me, and I feel like an ass because it; thanks to my "mommy issues" I can't comfort my little brother or my daughter. I thought I was past this. I thought I had grown as a man. I guess I'm cured.

"Knock knock." We all stiffen, sitting up in our seats while the door opens and a nurse steps in. "Visiting hours are almost up." The visiting hours on the island are way longer than the hours in the city, the sun's nearly gone already.

"Thank you," I say to the nurse, rising to my feet. The nurse nods then leaves us to our goodbyes, leaving the door open a crack.

"Daddy," Agnes' mutters sleepily. I look over to see her reaching for me, her eyelids barely open. Poor thing's drained. I walk over and pick her up.

********

That night we all slept in the living room. It wasn't intentional, Rob couldn't make it up stairs-he was so upset, Agnes didn't want to leave him alone, Lena didn't want to be alone, and I couldn't leave Agnes alone, not to deal with everything. It was depressing, even Lena was quiet. But she was the last one to speak. "I'm sorry," she said. And for a second-I swear-it felt like she was apologizing for being there.

The couch is large enough for all four of us but only Agnes and I slept on it. Rob and Lena settled on the floor with a few blankets.

Normally when slipping out of sleep, you're happy, those five seconds you forget about the fucked up world and its problems that surround you and consume you like an over-powerful wave. But this time, I wake up and just knew. I didn't forget. I knew my problems. I couldn't forget.

To make matters worse, Agnes is nowhere to be seen when I wake up. My first instinct is to call out for her but people are sleeping at my feet. So I get up and-a note flys off me and floats down to the floor. I pick it up.

Outside -Agnes

I rush outside and find Agnes in our usual spot. I walk down the porch steps, across the lawn, and join Agnes on the blanket.

"I wanted to make breakfast," she says softly, her gaze lost in the distance, "but I don't think anyone will be hungry."

I hate how she thinks she has to take care of everyone. "I'm sure they'll appreciate the thought." We're quiet for a few minutes, the only sound is the sound of the morning breeze blowing through our hair and the trees. I need a haircut...

"Daddy," she says louder, finally looking at me. "Is it...wrong...that I don't know what to feel right now?" Before I could answer, she continues talking. "Rob's more than sad-he's devastated. Lena's...Lena's...well, she's sad but she's sad as if grandma was a forced friend..." trailing off, Agnes frowns. "That's how you feel, isn't it?"

I drop my gaze to my lap. "Yeah...but about how you feel," I lift my head and meet her gaze again, "it's okay. You love her and she knows that. That's all that matters."

"But-"

Straightening my back, I open my mouth to argue. But the first word planning to slip from my lips is death, and I can't say that to Agnes. "She's...sick," I say hesitantly. "It's all confusing." There's a pause. "I'm sorry...I wish I knew what to tell you."

"No," she says firmly, getting up. I peer up at her puzzled. "Not you too. Don't...don't feel bad."

Not you too...? What the hell does that mean?

"Daddy," Agnes holds out her hand, reaching down for me. I take it then jump to my feet. Hand still in hand, she continues. "I can't change the way you feel about grandma...don't feel bad about that." I open my mouth to argue but then instantly shut it. There's no point in telling her I'm only worried about her. I don't care if I'm an asshole of a son. I only care about my world standing in front of me.

I nod, and Agnes forces a smile. "Your hair." With my free hand, I reach out and playfully rough up the hair on the top of her head. She squeals, her grin becoming genuine, and pulls my hand away. "Go wash up and ill do your hair."

"Can you do the two buns? The ones you did for Christmas?"

"Whatever you want."

She turns and heads back for the house. She takes a few steps before abruptly turning around and hurrying back to me. She crashes into me, nearly knocking me over, and hugs me tightly. "Thank you, daddy."

"Of course, kid."

*********

Agnes and I attempted to tiptoe around the house to keep the others from waking, but Agnes had made it to the stairs and I had made it to the kitchen when Lena woke up. And being the non-morning person she is, she ended up waking Rob too.

"Food," Lena growls.

"On it!" Agnes exclaims, rushing to the kitchen.

"Nope." I hold out my arm, stopping and catching Agnes at the last second. She lifts her head and pouts at me. "Go upstairs and shower. I'll get started on breakfast."

"Not hungry," Rob mumbles, dragging his feet while he passes us and disappears down the hall. His dirty blonde hair is sticking out in every direction. Agnes frowns. I kiss her head then gently push her towards the stairs.

"I forgot you had a kid," Lena says once Agnes is upstairs. I give her a look, and she continues. "I also forgot where I was so..." she shrugs.

I roll my eyes. "What do you want?"

"Eggs. Bacon. French toast. Cereal. Oatmeal with cut up strawberries and-"

"Okay! You're asking for too much. You're the only one who's eating so eggs...French toast...and...cereal."

"Thanks."

I finish the French toast and eggs when Agnes finishes upstairs and joins us in the kitchen. "Rob's upstairs," she said. "He's just sitting at the top of the steps."

"I'll talk to him. Here," I hand her a bowl of dry cereal then stir her in the direction of a seat.

"Holy shit, you don't have milk with your cereal either?!" Lena exclaimed, pointing at Agnes.

"Don't curse at my daughter," I warned her.

"Sorry. But Agnes...?"

"Yes," Agnes answered in a small voice. I could tell she was only worried about Rob and didn't give me or Lena much thought. I kiss the top of her head when- Ring-Ring...Ring-Ring... -Tisha's house phone starts going off.

Lena jumped up. "I got it!"

"Sit your ass down," I ordered, and she obeyed. The house phone was left on the chair nearest to the kitchen so I quickly grabbed it and slipped back into the kitchen. "Hello?" I said into the phone.

"Mr. William Granger?" A woman answered.

"Yeah, that's me."

"Hi, I'm Monica, your nurse yesterday..."

Shit. "Yeah..." leaning on the fridge for support, I glanced over at Agnes. Lena seemed to be telling her something.

Monica, who was more upset than I would've ever expected, informed me that Tisha didn't make it. The expression on my face must've given it away because Agnes glanced over at me for a second-but a second too long-and just knew.

Oh, baby girl, I'm so sorry.