Pride Isn't a Sin

Chapter 8

 I enter my classroom Monday morning, sitting down next to Jasp. He attempts to say hello, but I turn away.

When Chloe comes in, she starts a conversation too but I lay my head down as I attempt to stop the ringing.

"Is everything okay?"

"Just leave me alone, Jasp."

"Chris?"

"Honor thy father, honor thy mother." I don't look up, just whisper the words to myself. Maybe if I say it enough I'll be forgiven.

He taps my shoulder, "Hey?" His voice cracks the slightest bit. He's worried, for someone as horrible as me?

"Don't touch me, sinner." The words are out before my brain can process it. I don't believe that, not anymore. He's not a sinner, he's the kindest of all of us. And yet I'm still back to my old ways. Though before it was because I felt it was right, now it's from fear. What will she do if I hang out with him again? What would she do if I did something more? I can't let anything else happen between us.

I can hear his sigh as he turns away, feel Chloe's glare on me. Neither of them speak again though.

During lunch I eat in the library, begging God for mercy as I nibble on my food. I feel like I'm going to throw up, like I might pass out. What is wrong with me?

"Chris?" I hear Jasp call, my heart fluttering at the sound. I hear Zoey's bouncing feet behind him, her hightops tapping against the carpet.

"Hey!" She says, finally finding me.

"Hey," Jasp says with a shaky voice, an even shakier smile to compliment it.

I don't reply. They're sinners, devils I try to tell myself but I don't believe the words.

"Come on! Reply man! What did we ever do to you?" Chloe says, I can hear the worry in her tone despite how harsh the words try to be.

No reply from me.

Jasp grabs my shoulder, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "What's gotten into you? What's on your mind? Come on man, tell me!"

I can't help the glare, I hate how easily I do it at someone like him but I can't help it. "Leave. Me. Alone."

"Chris, Ms. Jackson wants you," I hear the librarian say from behind me. The clank of the phone just barely audible.

What does she want? Silently, I get up as I head to her room.

"Chris, thanks for coming. Sit down," I can see her worried expression. Mom's called.

I sit down by her desk, looking at her curiously without a word.

She takes a breath before speaking, "Your mom called, she doesn't want you hanging out with Jasper. Is everything okay? You know you can trust me, right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"What happened to make her call? You guys seemed to be getting along well," She puts a hand on my knee but I shake it off.

"I won't deal with a sinner like him."

"Chris, you guys were getting along. Don't ruin this for yourself."

"Do you wanna deal with Mom's wrath?" Wrath. One of the seven deadly sins. Oh my. My eyes go wide, she committed one of the seven deadly sins, wrath. She sinned. But she can't sin, she's perfect. She- She-

"Chris, hey! Calm down! Hey! It's okay, listen to me! Slow your breathing! Come on!" She snaps her fingers but I can barely hear it over the ringing of my ears. She can't sin, she can't! My hands stay over my ears in an attempt to stop the sound, but it doesn't work. My whole world is crumbling around me. What do I do? What do I do?

I feel like I might pass out, the room spinning in circles. Round and round they go, when they stop I won't know. Like a merry go round or a hamster wheel or. . . I don't know! Why would she sin? She's supposed to be perfect, kind, she's supposed to help guide me, teach me. Why? Why? Why? WHY!? I feel the need to scream. I open my mouth, but whether something actually sounded or not I wouldn't know. I can't hear anything over this damn ringing! 

I shut my eyes as tight as they can go, maybe that'll keep the room from spinning. But that only makes me think of him. Why did he have to come into my life? Damn it all! And Mom, how many bad things did she do? How many bad things did I do? My legs are standing, I can hear a slight tapping. Is that my shoes? Am I spinning? Pacing? How have I not collapsed yet?

Am I dying? This pounding in my chest, this ringing in my ears, the tightness in my lungs and pain in my skull, it sure makes me feel like death. Is this what a panic attack feels like? Can someone die from a panic attack? Would anyone care? Would Mom care? Would he care? Chloe? Zoey? No. No, no, no, no, no. They wouldn't. What have I done to deserve it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! More sobs come out, a waterfall. A wave. A flood, tsunami, whatever you wanna call it. The tears won't stop, the ringing won't stop, nothing will stop. Why did God make me like this? Why? I should just end it a-

Familiar curls block my vision, hands wrapping around me in a tight hug. "It's okay," He whispers soothingly into my ear. As he holds me my breathing begins to slow, the tears don't stop but they too begin to slow down as well. The ringing begins to quiet, the room begins to still. Everything feels. . . Better. Not perfect, but better. 

"She can't sin, why would she sin?" I ask him.

"Everyone sins sometimes, but God always forgives us when we say sorry."

"Then why hasn't he forgiven me yet? Why hasn't she forgiven me?"

"What did you do?"

"Fall in love with a boy."

He goes silent for a bit, just hugging me as he plans what to say next. "That isn't a sin though, you're normal. God still loves you."

"Nu-ah," I say with a shake of my head.

"Why do you think so?"

"I disobeyed my parents. I lied. I disobeyed the Lord."

"Is that what she said?"

It's silent for a few beats, do I say yes? Reluctantly, I eventually nod.

"Chris, please don't listen to her. She's wrong. She's manipulative. It's okay to be gay, or trans, or pan, or gray, or whatever! He doesn't care about that!" He rubs my hair soothingly, attempting to calm me down.

"But-"

"No buts!"

I nod. But once I process everything, I go cold. "Di- Did I just come out?"

"Mhm."

"I- I- Um, well. That-"

"It's okay, I don't care. Nobody here cares!"

"Mom and Dad care."

"Well, and forgive my language please, fuck them."

"But-"

"Be respectful all you want but don't let them hurt you, don't let them convince you you're a sinner. They manipulated your mind, but I've seen the true you come out time and time again. You're kind, and caring. They've just tried to take that away from you."

"But-"

"You have your moments still, but you are good! Trust me!"

I nod, finally wrapping my own arms around him in a hug.

"So, who is this boy? If you don't mind my asking."

"I'll tell you. Soon. I- I need to deal with something first though. Thank- Thank you."

"I care about you. Just be careful." His blue eyes look down on me lovingly, and I love it. So much so I end up burying my face in his shoulder, which was embarrassing to say the least.