Battlecry | Criminal Minds (gxg)

Chapter 16

~April, 1996~

"Fuck, Carli..." Jess groans in pleasure at the touch of my hand. I smile against her lips, breath short as I press into her, again and again.

The windows are open, honking horns and the rush of traffic drifting up from the street. It's late—nearly midnight—and we've been going for over an hour. I can't seem to stop myself. I need this, I need to feel something, even if it's purely physical. Even if it's pleasure drowning out the pain, and I know it won't last, but I'd do anything for five seconds of feeling something else. Something different than the rest of it.

Pain. So much pain.

My hand grips the base of her neck. I don't want to hurt her, and never like this, but it's just enough for her eyes to roll back as she finds her high. She gasps my name, hooking her hands around the back of my neck. I draw away when she lets me go.

"I finally tire you out?" she pants, a teasing smile on her lips.

I take a moment too long to answer. "I think we're done tonight."

Her smile falters. Jess wraps her body around me from behind. I tilt my head to the side, eyes closing as her lips brush my neck. "Talk to me, C."

"I'm okay. I just... you should get some sleep."

Her embrace tightens. "Stay," she whispers.

"I can't."

"You could. You don't want to." I don't answer. She lets me go, sliding back to the headboard. "So that's it? You fuck me and leave?"

"Technically, we fucked each other."

"Carli."

I stare at my hands, playing with the thin blanket covering my hips. "I'm sorry. I should leave."

She grabs my wrist. "You don't understand, idiot. I want you to stay."

"I know."

"So why won't you?" She draws me closer, her hand cupping my cheek. "You... you know how I feel about you."

I want you, I want to tell her. I want to kneel at her feet and tell her everything she's ever made me feel. I want to spill my secrets until there's nothing left.

I don't.

"Jess, you don't understand."

"Then make me understand."

"I have too much going on right now," I reply, my voice quiet and hollow. "I can't do a relationship."

"You can't or you won't?" When I don't answer, she drops her hand from my face. "Who ruined you?" she whispers, almost as if she doesn't want me to hear it.

I let out a short, heartless laugh. "Who didn't?"

"If you're leaving, then go."

I want to stay. I want to tell her how badly I want to stay. But that would give her hope, hope for something between us, and that can never happen. It would put her in danger. Because of Murphy. And because of me.

I lean closer to kiss her cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"No, you won't."

I frown. "What?"

Jess looks away towards the windows, out at the city beyond, and back to me. "I'm being transferred. To Chicago."

I try to say something, only to find no words available. After a decent amount of stuttering, I manage a breathless, short, "So this is it?"