I hate you

5

Confusion

Arthur's pov

Luckily, I didn't get fired. At least something positive. But obvisiously I couldn't stop thinking about The Joker. I saw him without makeup and he looked...

Gorgeous.

I'm not going to say no to myself. He sure was a handsome man. But, why would such a good looking guy do stuff like this? He could have anyone he wanted. No? Or maybe people are afraid of the way he looks. But I am not.

Why I am not? Is it because people are also afraid of me? Is it because I maybe know how he must have been feeling? No- Arthur, he's a criminal. He's crazy. You saw the way he was with you. He'd hurt you. He's crazy. Stop being attracted to people like this. Just stop. You're weird enough.

"Arthur,"

I looked up at my therapist, smiling slightly.

"You're spacing out too much today. Do you want to talk about something specific?"

I sighed. "Yesterday I saw the news. This Joker guy? Who is he?" I asked, curiously.

She looked away, as if she was nervous to talk about him. Why are everyone so scared of him? Is he that cruel?

"I'm not supposed to tell you anything like this."

"Was he your patient?"

"Yes."

"What's his name?"

"I can't tell you, Arthur. Why is that you're interested?"

I looked at the table, as if I was thinking. "He seems.. Broken."

She sighed. "Well, he sure was. Like every patient I meet."

I smiled sarcastically. "Was he rude when he was talking to you?"

"No. But we're focusing on your problems now, Arthur. Okay?"

No.

That's what I wanted to hear. He wasn't mean. He wanted to be fixed. Just like me.

But why can't I bring myself to hate him? He sexually assaulted me. I am so confused.

I shook my head. No more thinking about him. No more questions.

_____

On the way home, I felt like someone was stalking me. The bus was full of people, like really full. People were standing, but there was still a free seat next to me. Which was awkward for me. I was paranoid since forever, and I thought no one sat next to me because of the way I look. I was convinced I was ugly.

In front of me there was a kid, looking at me. I loved making kids smile, they're so innocent. I smiled at him, and continued staring out of the window. I remember what happened last time. I was accused for bothering a kid, but in fact I wasn't even doing anything. I was just trying to make him smile.

Arriving home, I did the same stuff like always. Routine. Checked the mailbox, there was nothing, made food for my mother, watched TV for a a while, and went to my room. Thankfully my meds made me fall asleep around 11pm.
___

I woke up, and I sure..

Wasn't in my room.

I panicked, looking around. I noticed I was tied to a bed. My legs were free though, so I started kicking around. I was terrified.

"Help! Please!" I screamed.

"You're awake."

I gasped and looked to the direction of that voice. And there he was. The Joker, again. His face looked mad. Like if he wanted to hurt me. I couldn't hide my fearful expression. He was mad, because I kicked him last time. I am going to die being tortured.

Tears formed in my eyes almost immediately when I saw him.

"I'm sorry. I just don't want people to hurt me anymore." I whispered to him, my voice was broken.

His expression didn't soften. He instead looked even angrier. Then laughed.

"If people hurt you, you probably deserve it." He said and got on top of me, sitting to my crotch, so I could barely move my legs. "Now, you're going to be a good boy. And you will shut up. If you make a sound, I'll hit you with this." He pulled a belt from his pants and grinned.

I cried quietly, but nodded. I was shaking. I knew there's no way of backing away from this.

"W-Wait." I whispered and he turned his attention to me. "Can you untie my hands?" I asked.

He thought for a while. "If you'll try to run away, one of my people will kill you. This building is watched 24/7. Understood?"

I just nodded. He undid my hands and I stroked my wrists that hurt from being tied this hard.

He began to rip my clothes off, literally. He was ripping off my shirt and then pants. Gosh, The strength he had.

And I didn't feel anything. He disappointed me. I thought he was nice but he's not. He's basically about to rape me.

"You're so pure, I have to destroy you." He said with a smile on his face that scared me.

The second later, he roughly slammed into me, and immediately started thrusting. It hurt a lot, how was I not supposed to make sounds?

I whimpered quietly and covered my mouth. I never experienced anything sexual. I wanted to! But in the light of something different than violence.

Tears started falling down my face as he was basically using me to please himself at this point. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't run away. It was so painful.

Suddenly his expression softened and he looked at me. "You trust me, right? I could never hurt you." He whispered and took my hand, placing it on his cheek, then he leaned down and placed a loving and soft kiss onto my lips.

My chest felt high and the pain disappeared. For a little while I felt good.
___

I gasped, waking up and kicking around myself in an attempt to push the Joker away.

But no one was there. It was a dream. A fucking nightmare. What the hell??

I rubbed my sweaty forehead and tears away, taking a deep breath. I'm confused. Why did I have a dream like this? Is it because of his attempt to kiss me yesterday? I looked at the clock and it was 4am. I knew I won't be able to fall asleep anymore. I have too much things to overthink.

Was he even real? Was he someone my delusional brain made up because of my loneliness? What if he was a hallucination?

I started to cry. I have so many feelings towards him.

I pulled a pillow to my sweaty face and cried until the morning.