Always and forever

49 - A possibility

Can

I want to go back to her as soon as possible, I have to talk to her, I have to tell her what I feel, what I know I feel for her now as I did then.

I spend my last days in Colombia documenting the miserable accommodation that the fugitives manage to find on the outskirts of the capital, Bogotá. It is heartbreaking to see the desperation in the eyes of fathers who are looking for a way to give a future to their children, whom they have dragged along on a terrible journey of hope, only to find themselves poor and marginalised again on the edges of a megalopolis that cannot find room for everyone.

I try to concentrate on my work but in every free moment my thoughts run to her, I try to call her, I don't even know what I would say if she answered me, but her number continues to be unreachable. I call Metin who asks me worriedly - Hi Can, how are you? -

I sigh - Hi Metin, fine, I've almost finished my work here, I'm on my way back. Have you heard from Sanem? I try to call her but her number is always unreachable.

- Can, as far as I know Sanem is abroad for the presentation of her new book, maybe that's why you can't reach her by phone -

 My heart skips a beat.
- Abroad? Since when? -

- I think it's three months now, she came to me before she left to ask me to take care of your divorce, then she left and I don't think she's back yet. Try asking Emre, he must know where his sister-in-law is through Layla -

Yes, it's true, I keep forgetting that Emre has married Layla, but... as I speak I see a flash of my brother dancing, holding a radiant Layla in a wedding dress. It's happening to me more and more often, I'm having dejavu, strange feelings that are connected to scattered images, without any logical thread, but that tell me so much about how central Sanem has been in my life in the last two years.

I shake off these thoughts to say goodbye to Metin, with the understanding that we will meet as soon as I get back to Istanbul, and dial Emre's number. It's good to hear his voice after almost three months.

- Hey Can, abi, brother how are you? -

-Hi Emre, I'm fine thanks, listen I need to ask you something, can you tell me where Sanem is? Metin told me that he is abroad for his book presentation, can you tell me where she is? -

He remains silent, I can hear him sighing heavily before he speaks. -She wanted to meet us for the sale of the Fikri Harika shares...

-Shares sale? -

-Yes, Sanem owned 30% of the new Fikri Harika and now he's sold them to dad -

She has left the house at Mihriban estate, sold the shares in the agency, filed for divorce, so really she is trying to cut all ties with me, the very thought of it causes an anguish that tightens my throat.

- Do you know where she is? -

- I was just telling you that I saw her at the agency, she was adamant about selling her shares because... well she said she needed to put the past behind her and start thinking about the future.

Can I love Sanem very much, besides being my sister-in-law she has become a dear friend, the relationship with you was not easy, when you left for a year she was devastated and now again you turned your back on her and left, how do you think she felt? Think well about what you are doing and... if you think you can't reciprocate her feelings Can you please don't even look for her, it's better to go your own way at this point -

- Listen Emre, I'm remembering something from the past, I have flashes of Sanem, of us together...

- Oh Can, I'm so happy you're getting your memory back, it's wonderful! -

-Not completely but anyway Emre I'm telling you that regardless of whether I regain all my  lost memories or not, I realized that I love the girl I met when I woke up from the coma. She is unique and singular, she is sweet, energetic, sunny, wonderful and much, much more.
I have fallen in love with her again and I need to tell her, I need to meet her, can you help me? -

- I keep recommending you to be very cautious in your actions Can, you need to be more sure of your feelings before you reach out to her tamamam? She has been to several European capitals in the last few months to present her book, the last one was London and, as I understand, she stayed in England in some nearby city, I don't know exactly which one I'm sorry -

I say goodbye to Emre and start an accurate online research, I follow through the articles appeared on various foreign sites his journey through Europe, Barcelona, Paris, Berlin and finally London about a month before. Apparently she is still there, I immediately move to change my return flight ticket, I have managed to get ahead with work and at this point I decide to bring forward my departure by about a week, destination London.

I stop to think about how much she has changed, when I had asked her which cities she had visited for the presentation of her first book she had told me that she had not left Turkey because she did not want to go abroad without me.

I feel a shiver of terror running down my spine, this time she has left and she has been travelling for more than three months apparently, I am starting to get scared, a terrible fear that she has now decided to live without me.

I can't, I can't accept it, I have to make up for the huge mistake I made by going on this trip, I have to find her and convince her to give me a chance, once again, I have to ask her forgiveness and once again a chance to love her, this time forever.