Always and forever

13 - Frames from the past

Can

I watch her go thoughtfully, I am curious and intrigued by this girl, there is no doubt about that. The delicacy that she showed in thanking the nurses, the beautiful relationship that she was able to establish with Aysef who, in fact, seemed to me a real angel in these days in which I had the opportunity to meet her, the sweetness of the touch of her hand in the car when she must have perceived all my confusion at that moment.

I don't know, in fact her every gesture seems to amaze me and involve me deeply, I'm beginning to understand why my father called her a rare pearl, she is definitely singular I must admit.

I enter the house and do a quick tour of the rooms to see if anything is familiar, nothing, nothing seems to stir the slightest memory, I unpack the suitcase and put the bandana and the vial of perfume Sanem gave me in the top drawer of the nightstand, I can't tear myself away from them, I feel that they are an essential part of the two lost years of my life.

A quick shower and I decide to lie down on the bed to rest for a while before going to her place for lunch, I turn on my phone and I get the idea of scrolling through the picture gallery, I hadn't thought of doing that until now, it could be a way to understand who I was.

I end up getting confirmation that Can Divit had definitely lost his mind over that girl, if I still had any doubts about it, I'm a photographer and that's fine, but I can't believe how many snapshots of her I've taken over the last few months.

There are hundreds of different Sanem in these pictures: here she's smiling, there she's thoughtful, then a bit silly as she makes a funny face, but above all there's a Sanem whose eyes express all the love and adoration possible for the one behind the lens.

Seeing those photos sends a shiver down my spine, I feel a powerful feeling in that look, I am almost envious of that Can who was lucky enough to be the recipient of such a sincere and intense feeling.
A mocking laugh comes spontaneously, Can you begin to have problems of dissociation at this point, it was you who was looking at that girl in love in that way, it was you who was the recipient of those smiles and those passionate glances.

The photos of us are another discovery, seeing the way I held her tenderly in my arms, how I smiled at her, how I caressed her hair, how I looked at her with the same adoring gaze she had for me, it shakes me to my core, I do not recognize myself, I think I have never had such attitudes with any woman before.

It is a further confirmation of the uniqueness of what we had shared, a confirmation of my father's words when he said he had never seen anyone love as deeply as I loved her. It is definitely ironic that I have now completely forgotten such a great and special love, I understand even more how terrible and intolerable it must be for Sanem to accept such a situation.

I get up impatiently to go to her, I have a thousand questions to ask her, I want to find out as much as possible about what happened between us, I want to understand what we went through and how we almost got married.

I finish getting dressed and am about to leave the room when, I don't know why, it comes to me naturally to go back and approach the bedside table and take the bandana to put it in my pocket. I have no idea why I did it, but somehow I feel it gives me comfort, reassures me.

I leave the house and follow his directions, arriving a few moments later in front of a building completely made of glass windows overlooking a lovely garden full of colorful pots, hammocks and pastel-colored chairs.
I smile thinking that this environment seems to perfectly reflect the sunny girl I met through the photos I saw earlier, that must be Sanem, not the anxious girl l I have come to know since I woke up. I shake off these thoughts and climb the steps that lead to the entrance of a huge open space that houses the kitchen and living room.

Sanem is at the cooker, she has headphones in her ears and is rocking her hips to the rhythm of music that must be extremely sensual judging by the movements I see in front of me, I swallow with difficulty and take a few steps to the side to get into her field of vision.
I see her startle and, unfortunately, she stops moving in that seductive way that, I must admit, impressed me and not a little.

She removes the earphones and runs a hand through her hair - I'm sorry, I had music in my ears and I didn't hear you coming -.

I nod, smiling with amusement, thinking back to the scene a moment before - Yes, I had imagined that -

- But don't stand here, come, sit down. I've almost finished, I'll put the plates in and I'll come, if you want to play some music, there's your old record player, the one from the shed.

You gave it to me together with your LP collection -

I follow the direction of his gaze and find an old friend, I had bought it years before at Frikoy Antika Pazari, a flea market held every day in the alleys of old Istanbul.

I fell in love with it at first sight, arranged it carefully and loved it as if it were an old family heirloom, further confirmation that I must have loved her so much to have given it to her as a gift.

I go through the old records I have bought over the years in the same market and choose the song that has always moved me the most.

The first notes start to spread, I turn around to go sit down when I see Sanem who, as soon as we put our plates down on the table, freezes in place with her gaze lost in the void, she seems to have been completely transported to another space and another time.

I tilt my head in curiosity looking at her, what's wrong with her?