Always and forever

23 - Which Can?

Can

Sanem must have heard Adile propose to meet me for dinner, she left with her head down without saying goodbye, I don't understand why she didn't stay, if she had she would have had the opportunity to hear my reply.

- Dr Yazici, if you want to discuss the possibility of entrusting us with your company's cosmetics campaigns, we are at your disposal, have your assistant call our secretary who will fix an appointment for you whenever you want, there is no problem, otherwise, as agreed, we will meet here next week to review the drafts with the changes you have requested, görüşürüz goodbye -

I shake her hand and leave the meeting room decided, I have never liked such aggressive, predatory women, I have always preferred to approach and court the woman who interests me, who charms me, I have never liked to feel like prey to be hunted.

I go in search of Sanem, they tell me she's gone out for a moment but she'll be back soon, I go towards my office when, passing in front of my father's, I hear her calling me.

- Can? Can you come here for a second? -

- Sure, tell me babam.

- We haven't had a chance to talk in the last few days, sit down for a moment there's something I have to tell you. I sit on the armchair in front of his desk and look at him curiously, Aziz seems surprisingly on tenterhooks.

-You see Can you don't remember the last two years, the first of these I wasn't here and then you left, so we hardly saw each other except when you came back a few months ago. A lot of things happened, maybe you don't know that I didn't go on holiday while I was away, I went abroad to get treatment for a serious lung infection, I underwent several treatments but in the end I made it. Fortunately, the disease is completely in remission, but this experience has made me realise that every moment of life is an extremely precious gift, not to be wasted and above all to be spent with those you love.
After so many years of emptiness and loneliness, I was lucky enough to find, right next to your Sanem, the woman I loved all my life, my first and only love.

I look at him in amazement, my father never introduced me to the women who were part of his life after my mother, he was always very discreet and reserved, I don't understand who he is referring to but above all I am curious.

- Like next to Sanem? -

- For me, going to Sanem's meant finding the girl I was in love with as a boy and who I've never forgotten, the estate where you and Sanem live belongs to her, to my Mihriban.
You see Can, because of what I have experienced, I'm telling you that true love is found only once, don't let it slip away or you will spend a life that is not life, it's survival, something will always be missing to make you truly happy, someone in fact, that someone who is the other half of your heart. For me it was and always will be Mihriban, for you? Think about it Can, that's why I advised you not to make any rash moves that you might regret in the future -
I look at him for a long time, I understand what he wants to tell me and I will keep it in mind whatever happens, I nod to let him know that the message has come through loud and clear.

- Anyway, all this is to let you know that I live on the estate with Mihriban, not far from you and Sanem and we would like to have you over for dinner tonight so that you can get to know her "again" since you don't remember her. I didn't introduce her to you before because she wasn't in Istanbul these days, she had gone to her sister's in Ankara.
We'll expect you at 8.30 pm then, will you tell Sanem? -

- Yes of course, no problem - I leave his office thoughtful, it sounds strange to be invited with Sanem, as if we were a couple, for all of them maybe it's like that, but for me it's unusual, I've never been a "couple" with anyone except Polen, a very unusual couple since we saw each other three times a year at most.
I don't say that it bothers me, Sanem is an exceptional person, I came to understand it in a short time, it is immediately clear to anyone who has the chance to meet her, I have seen how she is loved by everyone wherever she goes, here in the agency, by the nurses in the hospital, Metin, my father, everyone adores her and, apparently, I am no exception, on the contrary.

I go down the stairs to reach her in the archive but I find it desolately empty, I go back and ask Cey Cey, she tells me that she called and that she is not coming back to the agency today, she has some errands to do. I don't know why but this news baffles me, I took it for granted that we would be back together at the estate, I guess I'm starting to take her presence around me for granted actually and not knowing she's nearby, I don't know why but it destabilizes me, what's wrong with me? I don't know either, is it possible that I miss her?

I shake my head as I walk back into my office, I sit at my desk but I don't even turn on the computer, it's not worth it, I'll have to leave soon if I don't want to be late for my appointment with the physiotherapist.

I sit with my head reclined on the back of the swivel chair, I'm tired and I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, at times I feel a strong bond with that beautiful girl with the radiant smile, if only for the intensity with which she looks at me and the sweetness she shows towards me, at other times I feel the need to rebel, to regain possession of my life, to decide what to do, especially who and whether to love.

I am an unknown for myself, let alone for those around me, for those who, like her, have placed their hearts in my hands thinking that I would take care of them for the rest of our lives, it must be so otherwise she would not have agreed to marry me.

I straighten up in my chair and decide to send her a message to alert her of my father and Mihriban's dinner invitation.

I send it but she doesn't reply, she doesn't even visualize actually, I am taken aback, why doesn't she reply?

Where did she go?

What did she have to do that was so urgent?

But most of all why can't I stop thinking about her? Ah Can ah, when she is close to you you hurt her with your words thinking to put some distance between you and make clear that for you every option is possible at the moment, if she is not there you want her close and you can't get her out of your mind.

I sigh and shake my head as I stand up, take my car keys, my jacket and leave the agency absorbed in my existential reflections: which Can I feel I am and above all want to be? The Can, free from all constraints but extremely lonely, or the Can of Sanem who puts down roots and family in Istanbul, losing his much-loved freedom, but finally finding for himself the warmth of love, a home and a family?

I can't answer right now, everything is too confusing ... and Sanem is still not answering my message.