Secret || Chanlix

Chapter sixteen.

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TRIGGER WARNING - Sexual assault and like, suicidal/extremely self deprecating thoughts? Idk dude sorry

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The streets of Sydney were familiar in all the worst ways possible as the sunlight began to fade.

I had somehow managed to outrun - more outmanoeuvre than anything, actually - the members a while ago, but their yells and shouts after me had only just dwindled enough for me to slow to a walk.

My chest was heaving painfully, stabs of pain making me hunch over in a fit of sobs on the footpath. It hurt so bad, but maybe that was my heart talking as well.

They hated me; I knew they did. Even if they didn't, they should have. I didn't deserve forgiveness, nor their kindness.

In that moment, I never wanted to go back.

The humiliation settled in my stomach like a rock, sinking further into my gut every time I thought it had reached the bottom.

Would they tell the company? Would I never be able to perform or be an idol again? Would I never be able to go back to Korea again??

Trapped in my thoughts, I stumbled. My hands and knees scraped against the pavement as I fell face-first onto it. The harsh, tiny rocks in the asphalt bit at my stinging palms and the skin of my legs like vicious ants, but I couldn't physically get back up. Exhaustion crashed over me in a heavy wave, finally catching up after running for so long. Every part of my body throbbed and wailed.

Obviously though, I couldn't just stay in the middle of the footpath where anyone - stray kids, stay - could see me. With a soft cry, I forced myself onto my feet, feeling them wobble beneath me with a threat of collapse.

Ignoring the complaints of every muscle in my body, I began walking again. I didn't exactly know where I was going, but that hardly seemed important considering... well, everything. My mind was running a million miles a second and everything began to jumble together until it felt like I wasn't thinking anything at all.

I wanted to die.

Everything was going so, so wrong. Stray Kids would be better off without me, Rachael and Olivia would be so much better off without me, god, even Chan would be so much better off without me. All I ever did was hurt people and lie.

My skin felt disgusting - like I should take it off and scrub it until it didn't resemble skin anymore. It had never been my skin, but it felt even more foreign then than it ever had before. I wanted to mutilate and slash up every part of it until it was unrecognisable and I was nothing more than a pile of flesh and hopelessness no one would ever find.

All I had ever wanted in life was to be me and I had never succeeded, but at that moment... I didn't want to be whoever me was. I wanted me to rot and corrode and just fucking die.

I couldn't deal with it. I would never be able to deal with it. No one would ever look at me the same, or treat me the same, or speak to me ever again. There had to be a bridge near where I was... or a convenience store that sold razor blades or something - anything.

Trapped in the spiralling chaos of my thoughts, I didn't notice the sound of footsteps behind me until there was a hand around my wrist.

I let out a scream - well, tried to, but another hand wrapped around my mouth and muffled the noise. My hands flailed and my legs kicked out at anything and everything, but I was useless in stopping myself from being dragged into the alleyway behind us. A pathetic fucking girl who couldn't fucking do anything.