Secret || Chanlix

Chapter ten.

--

The night after Mrs. Bang had told me that Chan not only was in fact gay, - as in homo-fucking-sexual - but also that she approved of us potentially getting together romantically, had been spent panicking.

I had spent as much time annoying the other members as possible - joining Jeongin and Hyunjin, who were playing Among Us; third wheeling on Minsung's cuddle session even though I clearly wasn't invited; going to the hotel's gym with Changbin and meeting some lovely elderly ladies who were doing Pilates (which are apparently extremely painful); even struggling to read an english book with Seungmin because apparently I forgot I'm fluent.

Eventually though, they all got boring and I ended up shuffling back to Chan and I's hotel room dejectedly, only to be tackled as soon as I walked through the door by a clingy, blonde haired, Australian baby who was in desperate need of affection.

I didn't even have time to be awkward or shy before Chan and I were tangled up together in one of the comfy beds with our limbs intertwined and breaths mingling, but I couldn't stop my mind - or my heart - from racing.

As I let myself melt into his warm body heat and firm yet gorgeous muscles, I couldn't help but wonder if he maybe liked me, like that. Just maybe. Or even if he possibly maybe a little bit even thought about me in that way sometimes? At all?

Wait, did I like him?

No, that couldn't be right, right?

It would be absurd, considering he would hate me once he found out. He would despise me. I knew he would. So, liking him should be out of the question since I'd only be setting myself up for heartbreak. But, maybe I did...

"Lix?"

"Y-yeah, hyung?"

"What did my mum say to you? You're quiet."

"Oh, she just thanked me again for taking care of you. Apparently you're fragile." I chuckled at Chan's flushed face, my heart beating almost enough to jump out of my throat at the sight.

"I'm not fragile." He muttered, tilting his head away as I smiled gently.

"We're all a little fragile..." A frown tugged at my lips, but I forced it away with an insecure sigh.

There was a peaceful silence for a while as I relaxed in his embrace, finding comfort in the security of his arms around me before I tentatively spoke up again."Channie?"

"Mhmm?"

I hesitated. The words were on the tip of my tongue, waiting patiently for me to spit them out, but my mouth suddenly felt fuzzy; like it was full of cotton. Instead, I asked, "Would you be mad if I lied to you? About something important?"

Chan stayed silent for a moment as his gaze drifted to mine, but I looked down to avoid his eyes. Eventually, I felt his arms wrap around me just a little bit tighter."You don't have to tell me every thing, Lix, and I don't expect you to. If you're lying about something, then I'm sure you have a reason to. But, I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, I promise. I won't look at you different no matter what."

I didn't respond, but his words lifted a weight I didn't realise I was carrying off my shoulders.

Yeah, maybe I did like him.

--

By the time Chan had woken me up the next day to tell me to get dressed to do our soundcheck and rehearsal, I was sick of feeling so on edge and terrified. I hadn't stopped worrying since we had arrived in Sydney and I hadn't taken my bandage off since then either. My chest ached and my breaths were short and choppy, but I couldn't shake the fear of someone somehow finding out. The fear was choking me, suffocating me. I don't know why, but being in my hometown just made me feel like my fears were more likely to come true.

It was really getting on my nerves.

Maybe if I was a real male, I wouldn't be so fucking scared all the time. Maybe I wouldn't have to be reassured and validated all the time just to feel less fucking worthless. Maybe I wouldn't be mutilating my body.

I really wished I had a blade.

--

"Felix, the concert starts in literally 10 minutes. Hurry up and get dressed!" Seungmin whisper-yelled at me when he saw me still in the dressing room in sweats and a hoodie.

"Wait, what?" I glanced at my watch, panic clutching at my chest when I saw the time. "Shit!"

My ribs ached as I jumped up, grabbed my bag and rushed towards the bathroom with clumsy feet. From the corner of my eye, I saw our manager hyung give me an odd look, but I ignored it in favour of getting dressed in time.

As usual, I made sure the bathroom door was locked before I grabbed my stage clothes. I shrugged my hoodie off and slid my sweats down my legs, facing away from the mirror as I pulled the tight, black jeans on and grabbed a fresh roll of bandage from my personal bag.

When I pulled out the other clothing from the bag, my face went white. The black, long sleeved shirt in my hands was made of a skin-tight, clingy fabric that would expose even the slightest bulge underneath - aka my bandages.

I wouldn't have any time to change it considering how late I was already, fuck fuck fuck.

"Get ready to go on stage in five!" The shout echoed into the bathroom, making my eyes widen in panic.

I'd just have to bind tighter.

With the loud dissonance of the dressing room slithering into the bathroom from the cracks under the door, I sucked in a breath and rushed to wrap the bandage tighter and tighter until I couldn't breathe out. Then, I dashed out of the bathroom.

--

I couldn't breathe.

Like, at all.

It felt like my lungs were on fire; wailing in agony with each stuttered, ragged breath I managed.

Had it been an hour since we got on stage? Ten minutes? I couldn't tell.

The cheers of the crowd in front of me sounded distant compared to the sound of my heartbeat thundering in my ears. Everything felt detached, as if I was underwater or my ears were blocked.

I could feel my footsteps staggering every now and then, my dance moves becoming sloppy as each song bled into the next.

Muscle memory was the only thing keeping my body going through the haze clouding my mind, but it was getting harder considering my muscles weren't getting enough oxygen to even function normally, let alone dance for two hours straight.

My legs felt wobbly, on the brink of collapsing, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't make a fool of myself in front of thousands of people. I couldn't disappoint my members. I couldn't drag Stray Kids down.

Faintly, I registered a distant tingling in my shoulder. Had I bumped into something?

Then, there was a soft voice in my ear, hushed and difficult to focus on through the loud cacophony of the concert. What did it say?

A hand on my shoulder, a question I didn't acknowledge.

And all too suddenly, I was falling.

--

A/N Another rushed update, but hey, it's an update, right?