Hostage

18: Scars

When Billie ran out of that room, not only was I confused, but I had so many thoughts going through my mind. Multiple of them are questioning why in the world she would try and do that. But this one thought sticks out.

Maybe I like her, too.

There's no way that I like her! I'm straight! I mean, I have to be! The time I almost got to go to that Billie Eilish concert and I had Andrew as my date. I like guys, not girls! Right? Yeah, I have to be. I'm only fourteen. I'm too young to know my sexuality. At least, I think so. If I had a phone, I could look it up. But since Billie smashed mine against the wall at the beginning, I can't know for sure. I want to ask her for one, but I know that she will say no. One hundred percent.

I sigh and sit down on the edge of the bed and run my fingers through my hair, still trying to process what had just happened. 

She kissed me. She confessed she's in love with me and kissed me! How hard is it to process this, Aubrey? She freaking kissed you! Just don't freak out about it. Maybe she'll forget about it and it'll all be back to normal. It has to be!

I shake my head, breaking out of my thoughts. I know Billie won't forget about this. I look around the room for something sharp. It's the only way to get rid of stress. Although I have about a hundred scars, it feels rewarding. And although I know it's wrong, it feels right in a way.

I see a broken shard of glass in the corner from my phone's screen. I can't really sneak downstairs to get a knife because Finneas could be there. And I don't want to deal with him again. I approach the glass shard and crouch down beside the remains of my phone. I pick up the shard and sit next to the pile. 

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM⚠️

I hold the shard to the underside of my harm and press down, slicing along me skin. Blood immediately begins to drip down, staining the white carpet crimson. I bite my lip to hold in any whimpers that I want to let out. I continue cutting my arm, almost hypnotized as I watch the blood roll down my arm. Tears stream down my face. The glass hurts more than a knife hurts, perhaps since it's sharper. I feel like it's working though. I keep pushing through, around twenty cuts by now. My the skin on my arm is separated by a series of red lines, growing deeper and deeper, the skin stained crimson. I feel dizzy from the amount of blood I've lost.

The door suddenly opens. I see out of my perepheral vision that it's only Finneas. Ugh! Not him again! He turns towards the doorway and begins shouting for Billie. I hear a door open and rapid footsteps coming my way. Finneas lunges forward and grips the glass.

"No!" I howl. "I need it! Let go!"

"Aubrey, don't be stubborn! Drop the shard!"

"No!" I sob. "I need to continue! Go away!"

Billie walks in the room and stops short when she sees the blood, as well as the tug-of-war battle between me and Finneas. She hurries over and adds extra weight to Finneas, successfully yanking the glass from my hand. I begin sobbing harder as they throw the shard out of the window and into the bushes below.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry!" I manage to say. Billie hurries over and pulls me into her lap, holding me against her. I sit there feeling exhilerated while I cry into her chest. She puts a hand on my head and gently strokes my hair.

"It's okay, Aubrey. I'm here," she says softly. She turns to Finneas. "Can you grab some bandages from the bathroom?"

He nods and walks out of the room and to the bathroom. She gently holds my face and makes me look at her. She wipes the tears out of my eyes with her thumbs. I accidentally look at her lips for a brief second before looking at the ground. She seems to notice and brings my face up again. She puts her forehead against mine, closing her eyes gently. We're in the moment right now. Her breath smells good, which is a weird thing to think. But here I am thinking it. 

"I'm sorry about earlier," she says. "I wasn't thinking clearly."

"It's okay," I say with a small smile. "It's okay, Billie. To be honest, I kind of liked it."

She perks up when I say this. "Wait, are you serious? If you're not being serious and messing around with me, you're probably going to break my heart. Please tell me you aren't joking!"

I laugh lightly and stare into her ocean eyes. "I'm not joking, Billie. I'm being serious. I love you, too."

Her eyes drift down to my lips before meeting my eyes. They fall back to my lips and once again back to my eyes.

"Can we, uh, try again?" Billie asks nervously.

I nod and move a loose strand of hair out of my face. "Yeah, I guess. If you want to. I'm not really a good kisser. I haven't kissed anyone before. No boys. No girls. No one. Nada. Zilch."

"Well, I was your first, I'm guessing," she says with a smile. Then she begins to lean in and gently presses her lips on mine. I wrap my arms around her neck, not knowing what to do, and try my hardest to at least kiss back. We break for a second to get air after a minute. "You're not bad at this for a first."

"You're not so bad yourself, Eilish," I tease, connecting with her once again. We're so caught up in the moment that we don't sense a shadow standing in the doorway.

"Get a room, lovebirds!" Finneas jokes with a chuckle. We pull away and blush.

"Sorry, Finneas," Billie says. "We didn't know you were there."

"Well, I just got here, so." He tosses the bandages to Billie. "Go ahead and treat her arm. I'll see you two lovely ladies in the morning. Goodnight!"

He walks out of the room. Billie unwraps some bandages and begins wrapping up my arm. Halfway through, I sigh.

"I'm really sorry again. I shouldn't have done it."

"Hey, it's fine. We all go through that sort of phase at one point in our lives. Not necessarily that others have cut, but they're probably going through the same thoughts that you think."

I bet they aren't thinking that I kissed Billie and they didn't.

She laughs. "I heard that, goofball!"

I blush heavily. "I did not mean to say that out loud. I'm so sorry!"

"We're good."

She finishes up my arm. We immediately walk over to my bed. Billie lies down on the side with the wall while I lie down near the edge. For half an hour, she holds me against her. I turn on my other side so I'm facing her. We kiss for a few seconds before putting our heads down on the pillows.

"Goodnight, Aubrey," Billie says, moving the hair out of my face. "I love you."

"Goodnight, Billie. I love you, too."

I readjust myself, closing my eyes. 

Sleep engulfs me.