To Dylan

seventy-six

From Dylan:

so i sat down with my mom and told her how i felt yesterday when she was asking me all of those questions

To Dylan:

yeah? how’d that go?

From Dylan:

she apologized and said she that was felt bad because she said she didn’t mean to make me feel used

From Dylan:

and she didn’t mean to make it seem like she didn’t care how i felt she said that at that moment she just wasn’t thinking about me

From Dylan:

but she didn’t say it in a mean way, you know?

To Dylan:

yeah. i know. did you feel better after telling her, at least?

From Dylan:

i did. we watched a movie and she asked me how i’d feel if SHE started dating again. she said she isn’t going to yet but she just wanted to know how i’d feel about it

To Dylan:

what’d you tell her?

From Dylan:

i told her whatever makes her happy

From Dylan:

and then she told me that yes, but she wants me to be happy too

From Dylan:

i didn’t really have the heart to tell her that that hadn’t really happened for a while

To Dylan:

i wish that i could help. like actually make things better, not just faux helping for a little while

From Dylan:

but faux helping is better than no helping

To Dylan:

i know, but it just sucks that i can’t do anything to actually help you. i know that you obviously have it worse but it sucks knowing that while i can only help for right now, in the long run it doesn’t really matter. if that makes any sense. i’m not sure that it does.

From Dylan:

it does, but belle you’ve got to think of it like this: depression’s not some thing that you can just FIX. i don’t know why people think it is. i guess because they’ve never had it or they’ve never known somebody with it but it’s not like a cold. you can’t just give it a few days and some cough medicine and expect the symptoms to go away.

From Dylan:

this kind of thing haunts you, belle. and you CAN’T really do anything about it. and by you, i mean YOU specifically because there’s anti-depressants and stuff but those still aren’t exactly cough medicine and people don’t realize that either.

From Dylan:

i think i’m losing my point a little bit but i’m just trying to say that every little bit helps. like of course you can’t “cure” me belle. you can’t. you can’t and you won’t so don’t try to. but you can make it a lot more enjoyable for me while i try to get past it.

From Dylan:

and i AM trying but depression makes everything seem meaningless. like some days i think that there’s no point to get better when i know that it’s just going to get worse again. and some days i don’t want to do anything at all and some days i want to just sleep and sleep and sleepsleepsleep until my body forgets how to wake up. some days i just feel like there’s no reason for me to be breathing so belle even just taking me out for ice cream or taking me to the movies or out to the park or whatever it is that you do for me means a lot because even if it’s just for three minutes it might make me smile. and those three minutes can mean a lot okay?

From Dylan:

you can’t cure me belle but please pleaseplease don’t feel like you’re not helping

From Dylan:

until recently i don’t think i’ve been very good and expressing how grateful i really am to have a friend like you but i’ve been making a conscious effort to try, because you know that suicidal thoughts don’t just go away right? you know that i still have those right? and sometimes i have to force myself to think that there ARE people that would be sad if i’m gone. and just one extra person makes a difference. just those three minutes makes a huge huge huge difference.

From Dylan:

i’m sorry i don’t think i’ve ever typed so much to you but it was like once i started i couldn’t stop i’m sorry

To Dylan:

don’t apologize okay? like yes that’s kind of a lot to take in but it means so much. that you’re sitting down and explaining it and talking about it and thank you so much for letting me know how you feel. and you’re right, i DON’T know about depression but i really want to learn because i want to know what you’re going through. me knowing that you’re hurting is pointless if i don’t know why or how.

From Dylan:

yeah. it’s just really really hard for me to explain sometimes. the words just won’t come out. but i can try

To Dylan:

i don’t want you to push yourself

From Dylan:

i won’t but i do want to try because i do feel a little better now. not a lot but a little.

From Dylan:

maybe if i can just get the words out it’ll help contribute to the three minutes too.