{20th december 2012}
dear jen,
there is a cat sitting on my bedroom window sill. it is uncomfortably close and i feel like it could just break the glass and burst in and attack me at any moment. the cat is black, and it blends in with the night; i can hardly tell where the sky ends and the cat begins.
that sounded poetic and a bit over dramatic. i didn't mean it that way. i just meant that the cat is black.
i'm probably being silly, but i don't like the way it's just sitting.
there; i've moved my head so i can't see it. but i can still hear the thumps of its tail against the window, and it's making me shiver slightly.
look at me, jen. scared of a cat.
god, i'm so stupid.
did you know that liz loved cats?
i hate them.
i've shut the curtains now. i can still here the thumping on the window. it's starting to become more natural than scary. i guess the best way to explain it is what liz being gone feels like.
like, i still miss her.
you know that best.
but it's sort of become, normal, i guess? like breathing and sneezing and blinking. i told my doctor that and he smiled. i think he thinks it's progress. i guess it is, when i think about it. if i can get along each day now knowing that liz isn't here but not crying, then that's progress, isn't it?
i still cry, sometimes. like when i find something in my drawers that i forgot to give back to her. i found a cd that she'd lent to me and i'd forgotten to give back. it's called speak now, by taylor swift. i haven't listened to it, yet. liz used to tell me that taylor swift loved cats and she loved cats so i should love cats too, but i don't, and i especially don't love the cat that sitting on my window sill and thumping its tail on my bedroom window.
i'm looking at the tracklisting of the cd now. number five looks interesting, it's called dear john.
like, dear jen, right?
i know liz's favourite was mean. i'm trying to guess if all the songs are happy or sad from their titles. dear john sounds sad. i think if i wrote a song called dear jen, it wouldn't be particularly happy either.
i'm thinking about putting it into the stereo now. should i?
at least it would mean i wouldn't be able to hear the thumping of the cat's tail.
maybe tomorrow. when the cat's gone and i don't have so many things whirling around in my mind.
