Sasquatch to the Moon

15: I Love You, and Several Other Things

I am.... so sorry. 

:D

please don't kill me i swear this was coming the whole plotline 

leave some comments on this one i know you've got to be having thoughts in there somewhere and i'd love to hear what's going on up top while you go through this specific chapter

ROCKET

"Just go to sleep." He grumbles, not moving.

"No," I respond, my voice is stripped. "Hå-"

"Don't Håkon me right now, Rocket." He says it in my accent, dragging me for not being able to pronounce his damn name no matter how hard I try.

"Please."

"No."

"Håkon for fucks sake I just-" I choke out. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me it was your birthday in March?"

He goes still. "I thought you would know. It was all over. Fenrir posted about it, so did the Wolves, it's common knowledge. I thought you'd have the decency as my boyfriend to know when my fucking birthday was."

That makes it so much fucking worse. I stare at his unmoving figure and I choke up on my own throat, tears are slipping out again before I can stop them.

"Rocket you can't just cry your way out of this, you know that."

"I do," I wipe off my eyes and try again. "I'm sorry, I don't, I'm sorry." He's still not looking at me so I try to put my hand on his shoulder again but he flinches which is so much fucking worse than him pulling away again. "I'm, shit, I know you don't like hearing about him but Steph told me to just tell you everything so I'm gonna just tell you everything because I, I don't know I started going through all the things that could happen and like, what if you died in the middle of the night and you died thinking I- all of that. I don't know, I can't take it, I can't take this."

I can't figure out what to say, I keep thinking of scraps of sentences but none of it makes sense to say so I just sit there, staring at his rigid figure laying there, pretending like he's fine like that.

"I'm sorry," I breathe out, coughing. "I'm sorry I treat you like that and I didn't know I was doing it but I really don't know how to do anything I-I," 

I stop for a moment to recollect myself. "All my stuff, all, you know, all that stuff that I like helping you with, for me, it's all stuffed so deep in me that I don't know how to even go about unearthing it and I know it would fucking destroy me to do it which is why I keep it in there and I guess it's just-"

I cough again, wiping my eye with the heel of my hand. "I guess it's just making me really insecure and I've just thought, I just thought that, that because you keep saying no to, no to sex that-that you don't like me like that, want me like that, and it just, it's been killing me because no one has ever wanted me like that and you're the one person thats supposed to and you're delaying and I don't know, I don't. And I guess that's like what was going on and I know you're right about all of it because I would tell people but that's, that's not because I'm a public person or because I want to break your personal boundaries it's just because I fucking, I'm useless with other people."

I suck in a shaky breath, fidgeting with my fingers to keep myself focused on something, anything but this. "I can't fucking stop myself from sharing shit, shit I really really really don't like having shared and it just comes out and I hate it. It's like I can't stop it and I know it's because I'm just so fucking pitifully desperate for people to like me that I'm willing to tell people anything and-" I can't believe I'm fucking saying any of this.