Realised Embraced Sacrificed

Chapter 13 : The Love That Died Yet Lived

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//कुछ पल तो ठहर जाओ ना
या फिर लौट के आओ ना
यूं कहते नहीं अलविदा
मुड जाओ इधर आओ ना
तुम्हें ढूँढें मेरी आँखें तुम्हें खोजे मेरी बाहें//

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15th March 2020, Delhi
9 PM

Dear Diary,

10 months.

10 months have passed ever since Kabir died and I got pregnant.

A month ago, I welcomed a healthy and incredibly cute baby boy, a thorough reflection of his father's charm.

My life after that unfateful day seems like a nightmare, a nightmare I desperately want to wake up from. But, unfortunately, life ahead will continue to be this hellish nightmare.

Kabir and I had seen many dreams together, lots and lots of them. But, all stands unfulfilled today.

I am hurt, broken, torn, shattered, sad, and above all, lonely. I have two families supporting, standing by me, but can anyone take Kabir's place in my life?

No. This lonely life is what I have to live ahead.

And, whom should I blame for this - our country, our government, the neighboring country, the neighboring government, our destiny, or even better, my dead husband?

Why was he so brave? Why did he sacrifice his life? Should I blame him for this?

In my heart, a thing that I always manifested from the day we met, was our togetherness, but unfortunately, it wasn't approved by fate. And today, I stand with a destroyed heart, a torn soul, and a solitary life.

I remember, every time Kabir used to leave for his posting, I whispered in his ears, "Come back, soon! I'll be waiting."

Kabir, I am still waiting.

Can't you come back?

There are moments left for us to share, conversations left for us to have, and life left for us to live.

Kabir was my friend, confidant, inspiration, love, life, husband, and above all a part of my soul.

An unbearable pain shoots in me when somebody knocks on the door, and I hope to see him enter with my favorite carnations, but then, I realize it won't happen ever again. I feel like crying every time I see his side of our bed empty and realize it'll always be empty now. I cry when I see kids playing with their parents, and realize our child won't ever get a chance to see his father.

I haven't washed his regimental jacket and when I miss him a lot, I wear it. It still smells of him.

It's going to be very difficult to explain to our child where his father is once he grows up.

Perhaps, I'll tell him, his papa is a star in the sky. After all, he certainly was a star in his Mama's life.

The biggest star! The brightest star!

I talk to our child about him every day. I tell him stories of his brave father who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. I show him pictures and remind him of his love, so he'll never forget the extraordinary man his father was.

I visited the memorial where his name is etched alongside other heroes. I've traced my fingers over the letters, as if by touching them, I can somehow bridge the gap between his world and mine.

There are days when I sit in silence, replaying our memories like a movie in my mind. I can still hear his laughter, see his eyes crinkle when he smiled, and feel the warmth of his embrace. These memories are both a comfort and a torment, a bittersweet reminder of what once was.

I try to smile every time I remember you, Kabir, because I know that's what you would have wanted.

There is a sinking feeling in my heart when I remember I can't see you, or touch you ever again.

You died one death, Kabir, but I, I am dying a thousand deaths every day without you.

I missed you when my pregnancy seemed tougher, I missed you when I was crying in the OT, delivering our child. I miss you every time I see our child, Kabir. I miss you so very much. Your absence pains me, Kabir and there is no cure for this pain.

Kabir, you are no more, but I feel you, I feel you every time the wind blows, a drop of rain falls, and the sun rises. Every time I feel scared or nervous, I sense you around me, comforting me. You left me alone, Kabir, but your love, it'll remain with me till my last breath.

Kabir, even though, you are gone, you are still there. You are there in our child, his magical smile, his infectious laughter. For me, you in the form of our child have come back to me.

You will always be alive.

You will live as long as I breathe. You will live in me and our child.

Today, Kabir was awarded Shaurya Chakra for his bravery and self-sacrifice.

I got ready in a pink saree with white borders. Kabir had bought that for me. I remember that exact day.

"Meera, I brought you a gift. Look!", he had said.

I had excitedly open the box and found the saree. "Saree, literally Kabir! You know how much I dislike sarees."

"But, Meera, this'll look beautiful on you. You, at least wear it once.", he had tried convincing him.

I never wore that saree in front of him. Yet, today, I wore it to celebrate my husband's valor and bravery.

Standing at the ceremony, surrounded by fellow grieving families and uniformed officers, I felt a sense of unity and respect that was both comforting and heart-wrenching.

When they handed me the Shaurya Chakra, tears welled up in my eyes. It was a symbol of his courage, a testament to his sacrifice for our nation. As I clutched the medal close to my heart, I whispered words of love and gratitude to the wind, knowing that my brave husband would forever be a hero, not only in my heart but in the hearts of our nation.

People tell me, I must feel immensely proud of being such a brave man's wife, a martyr's wife. But life is way too big, and when pains strike, pride just remains a word.

Sometimes, I feel to kill myself, but then I realize that I can't, cause I am a woman who is trying to keep the family that she and her husband used to dream about.

I, a martyr's widow at the age of 27, realized, embraced, and later sacrificed my love so that our motherland continues to prosper.

Kabir, years ago, on a rainy September day, you had knelt down and asked me a question. I had immediately said yes.

I didn't regret it then, nor do I regret it today. Being married to you will continue to be my life's biggest blessing.

The radio beside me is buzzing and it has started to play "Ek Pyaar ka Nagma Hain...." and as the song says, "Zindagi Aur Kuch Bhi Nahi, Teri Meri Kahaani Hai..", my life will continue to be a story of you and me, Kabir.

Every morning, as the sun rises, I greet the new day with a mix of hope and sorrow. Hope that one day, our souls will reunite, and sorrow for all the moments we will never share.

I'll wait for you until we meet on the other side of the stars.

Not in this birth, we'll complete our story in the next!

Meera

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