in her deep sleep, blue tossed and turned in distress. her brows were furrowed as her subconscious took over.
-
"huh?"
"why am i back here?"
"this is all too familiar."
"the pool, the jacuzzi."
"this is-this is sarah grace's house."
"and what is this?"
"everyone's here? nia, devon, siena, the whole bunch."
"nat's here too, but she's different."
"she looks young, and-and she looks scared?"
"what's going on?"
blue was in front of a backyard door that belonged to a three-story house that seemed to be throwing a vivacious birthday party for a 15-year-old. it was wildly decorated with colorful balloons, frilly streamers, and was filled with teenage guests, most of which were girls. all of the guests were dressed in lacy two pieces, scattered in and out of the house.
out of the chaos, a group of girls stood by the jacuzzi, chattering and giggling. a voice out of the few called blue over to them, and she went.
"hey bluesy, nice muffin top." the girl belittled her and was amused, pointing at her swimsuit.
looking down, blue noticed the purple tye-dye one piece she wore to purposefully cover her stomach, one she thought suit her well, but she clutched her arms around herself in embarrassment. the girl's comment, however, had gotten many laughs out of the others that were with her.
"i don't think i want you to be in the pictures this year, i need it to be perfect. hope you don't mind taking it for us," she added on shamelessly. blue's heart sank far, far down into her stomach and pounded, throbbing through her eardrums. her face began to flush red and her eyes burned with tears welling up around her lash lines. fearfully peeking back up at them in terror, she met the eyes of a young nat standing behind them, looking sorry and clearly uncomfortable herself.
"oh god, are you gonna cry again?" another voice stemmed from the group to build onto the humiliation.
"she always ruins the parties, why did you invite her?"
"wow, can't even handle a joke."
"if you were just gonna cry again, why'd you even show up?"
it was all getting to be too much. blue turned away to dart back inside with her hands clutched tightly around her stomach. streams of tears flooded uncontrollably as she found the bathroom, slammed the door, and slid down onto the floor, out of breath. she cried to herself a river of regret and shame.
once she could breathe a bit easier and her flushed face had cooled, she rose to her feet slowly and locked the door. there, she faced the mirror to see the thing she despised the most: her reflection.
she'd already been sucking in her gut with all of her strength to remotely look like her friends that were outside, enjoying themselves. for a moment, she, who had been uncomfortable during the entire duration of the party, let her stomach relax and was instantly devastated by how bloated she had felt and looked to herself.
"oh my god," she whispered in shock.
with her hands, she began punching and folding and twisting and pulling at her skin, trying whatever she could to make herself into something she'd be happy with. but, after pinching and squeezing herself, she finally admitted that there wasn't a way to look instantly different within only a few minutes and that she was stuck with the same reflection and body she hated. she never wanted to see herself. knowing this, she began to cry again on the floor, hugging her knees.
"why can't i just look like everybody else?"
"sarah grace doesn't even have to try, she just looks good."
"why am i like this?"
"i hate this."
"i hate what i look like."
"everyone hates what i look like."
"that's why they're embarrassed to be friends with me."
"i wouldn't even be friends with me,"
the thoughts were flooding her head and like thorns, the pain of each made the suffering worse. no matter what she did, they would never love her.
as she was self-loathing alone on the cold bathroom floor, a soft knock on the door interrupted.
"who is it?" she wiped her tears and sat up against the wall.
"it's nat," her voiced cooed calmly. "can i come in?"
"yeah." she undid the lock and opened the door steadily. nat's head peeked through and she slipped in through the slim opening, careful not to hit blue on her way in. the door closed after her, and nat relocked it herself.
"you okay?" she joined blue on the tiled bathroom floor.
"n-no. i'm not okay," she sniffled, wiping the snot from the bottom of her nose with her hand.
"i know. i'm so sorry. what they said was awful."
"nat, they're not wrong. it's probably better that i'm not in the pictures this year anyway,"
"no, they're wrong and i should've said something. i'm sorry i didn't." nat apologized sincerely with concern plastered on her face.
"no, don't apologize. no one's ever said anything back to sarah grace anyway. i doubt she would've taken anything to heart."
"still, it was worth saying something. anything. you look beautiful in your swimsuit, i don't care what they say."
"easy for you to say, you look amazing." blue replied, looking at nat in her own lacey white two piece. oh, how she longed to feel confident in her own two piece, how she wanted to feel pretty.
"stop comparing yourself, blue. you look gorgeous. they're just assholes," she consoled her. the young nat had a sharp tongue, but knew it was effective in getting her point across.
blue took a long pause to think, resting her forehead on her knees. then, she spoke again.
"they are assholes."
"exactly."
"you do know why they started calling me blue, right?"
"no, why? i thought we just called you blue for your favorite color."
"they call me blue because i'm always sad. apparently, i always will be," blue chuckled with tears in her eyes at how ridiculous it sounded out loud.
"what? seriously?"
"yeah, but my guess is she's planning on making me miserable forever. so, i'm blue."
"geez, that's so horrible. i'll just call you alice again, then."
"no, no." blue interrupted nat's thought. "i'm not gonna let them ruin my favorite color. i'm gonna keep the name."
"are you sure?"
"mhm," blue nodded. "it's the one thing i can still control, i think."
they were silent in their company together, regretful in their decisions to join such a group as they thought back to other similarly abusive memories.
"why are we friends with them?" nat broke the silence.
"frankly, i don't know." blue shrugged in sheer discontent, frowning.
"we've always been fine on our own. i really regret merging with them."
"me too. honestly, i like it better when it's just us."
"me too. less drama," nat grumbled, now even more annoyed and angry with the situation they were put in.
the famed duo had met each other through an intimate friend group in grade school and had outgrown many other groups and friendships along the way. somehow, they managed never to lose each other's company. far beyond anything else, they'd only grown closer through the mishaps and misfortune, although it brought along disputes amongst them they'd later on resolve in mutual agreement. however, together, they concluded on one idea that they'd forever remember in the times to come. friend groups were never for them, and they were better off alone.
friend groups, in their experience, were a cult presented subtly in the aspects of walking on eggshells and performing adequately in each meeting that resided in order to survive. there would always be someone superior to you, and even if you denied this fact, there would always be the superior, in which they would handle the rankings and who would be seen favorable in that hour. you would be scrutinized and assessed on your efforts and abilities in the group, determining your importance and popularity, deeming how much you would be cared for and looked after. it all sounds ridiculous, but after carefully thinking back to their failed relations in the past several groups they'd been apart of together, they knew this was exactly how it went. the innocence of friend groups and being known as a part of a well-known bunch was rather tainted by the truth and deeper meaning behind what really happens behind the happy-seeming posts on social media and in the general public.
but with just the two of them, they were able to develop a friendship on a more intimate level. without judgment, without rankings, and without the constant fear of doing something wrong. they knew anything and everything about the other, and there was no doubt in their minds that they would rather have quality than quantity.
natalia and alice sat on the floor, simultaneously having the same thought and quietly concluded in their decision.
and then, the blue of the present woke up, knowing that she could never take back the history of her past doormat history as alice veradin, but was reborn as blue, eyes widened for the future in knowing that she was worth much more than anyone had taken her granted for. she knew she had the only people she'd ever need and that much more than this, she would never let anyone speak to her in a manner such as that ever again. they had grown out of the immature belittlement and were adult women of a bright becoming.
next to her, natalia slept peacefully, almost near deceased-looking, breathing in and out softly. blue smiled and slowly rose out of the bed to let her rest. and, into the bathroom, she closed the door and lifted off her shirt to stare at what she once hated again.
after their brief relationship with sarah grace and her clique, alice's mentality left her scathed, unsure she deserved the right to eat, nonetheless enjoy herself, in the hopes that she'd become acceptable and decent looking to the public eye. she was now smaller, thinner, but then despised her unhealthy appearance as she thought she look undesirable on her less confident days. looking at her stomach again in the mirror and thinking back to when she thought she'd be happier if she was smaller, she sighed and laughed at herself in amusement. she'd never be happy if she continued wishing she looked otherwise. that would mean she had to learn to accept and love herself in every aspect she appeared as, and she was. it wouldn't happen overnight, however. this would be a lesson she'd have to learn over the course of her life, grasping the ever-so difficult lesson of embracing who she was, even on the days where she couldn't feel anything but disgust for herself.
this would additionally mean accepting the fragments of her own personality that wasn't always to others' liking, even though she'd known herself and to others that she was a people pleaser. whether she'd like it or not, she'd always have these aspects to her and even if others wouldn't always cherish these parts, blue would remind herself it didn't matter. she wasn't living for them. she didn't have to cater to their every need and demand, especially if it meant changing who she was to their exceptions. if they didn't like the woman entirely as she was and couldn't endure her, they could leave when they pleased.
and particularly, being emotional was not a weakness. she only saw this now, as she'd learned to embrace and harness the power of emotion. being vulnerable, having your heart out of your sleeve, was a risky thing to do. however, when doing so correctly and strongly, her sensitivity was a strength and she evolved to believe in this fact herself quite passionately.
she'd come a long way and resentment became gratefulness over time.
looking into her reflection now, there no longer was disgust or hatred. only a sense of pride and ability in her person.
for once, blue felt bewitching and she felt invincible.
she pulled her shirt back down over her chest and exited the bathroom in a new confidence. still, natalia was fast asleep, preoccupied in what she'd been dreaming about.
"i wonder what she's thinking about," blue thought to herself.
it was only 8 am, and nat wouldn't be up for a while. so, she decided to start unpacking their belongings from the boxes again whilst she had the spare time. perhaps the furniture for the living room would be a good place to start-- and the coffee machine, to ensure that their morning got off to the usually start of a hot mug of caffeine. without it, they'd be frowning throughout the day, unable to survive another long day of shifts. closing the door to the bedroom quietly, blue got herself started on the long process of settling into their new apartment.
in bed still, nat had the blanket tucked up to her chest, as the night was cold and unforgiving. she'd still woken a few times in the night, but was finally able to fall back into a drowsy state for the past few hours. her facial expression, as she slept, was in peace as she drifted farther off in her dreamland.
-
hm?
where do you suppose this is?
this was not sarah grace's backyard at all. this was the passenger seat of a car, but it wasn't hers. it was a cold, black leathered seat facing the front window of a subaru in the lot of a neighborhood park. she'd been here a few times and it lived in her mind specifically and distinctly.
her view shifted to face the driver's seat and who sat there. who was the owner of the mystery vehicle?
nat turned to see a familiar face, one that she hadn't seen for some time. a ruggedly handsome face, yet a naked one. quite young with chestnut browned pupils, lively with high cheekbones. the hair curled loosely with volume in a way that was easy to romanticize.
the shoulders were broad and propped open, dignified like a soldier. he was far too tall for the four-seater himself, although the seat was thrusted back the most it could go. his hands were rough in texture but somewhat smooth-looking, masculinely coated slightly in a light layer of arm hair. and, looking at the freckled birthmark that was promptly on the right side of his neck, she knew exactly who she was seeing.
it was dallas.
the silver subaru was parked in direction of a view high up above the city lights, blinking and glimmering like a clear night sky of stars. the lamps that lit the park were similar to that of candlesticks gleaming in their holders. there were only the two of them in the lot, alone and seemingly quiet.
only their faces were dimly revealed in the light around them. he took a glance at her, then again. she caught him as he unsubtly attempted to stare over and over.
"what?" natalia finally met his eye and jokingly glared at him.
"it's just- it's that thing you do." he stared blatantly at her lips, a longing look.
"what?"
"you play with your lip with your thumbnail."
"what, is that weird?" she blushed, taken aback. she hadn't even noticed her habit. her hand quickly retreated and laid back in her lap.
"no! no. it's cute," he smirked charmingly. after a quaint moment, he shyly commented once more. "it makes me want to kiss you."
"and why don't you?" the dare caught him off guard as though he thought he'd already been daring himself. it was written all over his face.
hesitant but yet determined, dallas leaned in slowly with his eyes focused on hers until they were soon closed with a certain anticipation. their lips touched with a spark, igniting a passionate fire in the kiss. natalia's heart beat through her chest and she caught herself out of breath from all the adrenaline. he wouldn't stop, however, and the two were whisked away in a moment where all their worries were melted into nothingness. it was just their own company. there was no park and there was no car, no lights. nothing.
it was only a euphoric moment of desire and ecstasy, of love at its most intimate peak.
and then, she woke up again. her eyes came alert in her own bed, staring up at the ceiling.
"well, that's a first." her thoughts were bombarded by his sudden reappearance in her subconscious mind. her high school "sweetheart," per say, was one to remember. she thought about dallas owens occasionally still, how she thought he was the perfect match for her. as much as she hated to admit it, she craved the kind of relationship they had again and wished that their last conversation had been better, the way they left things off. natalia knew she'd changed and if they were together now, things would be different. but unfortunately, the timing was off. they'd met each other at a wrong time.
the untimely couple had never officially made their commitment, but they had a certain understanding of what it meant to be dedicated to the other. at the time, they'd never thought of being with anyone else or even thought they'd ever have an ending.
but, it was both their faults in the process and the relationship came to a close.
and quite honestly, it seemed she was still looking for him in her mind. every flame, every affair, and every interest she'd ever had since then was the striking image of him. she never knew until blue pointed it out one day. they'd all looked like him, and she'd only be interested in the men that took up a similar personality. was she really looking for a replacement, or was it the simple fact that she had a type?
well, both. natalia had her type and he was the fit. he was the very first one she'd ever felt such an unique attraction too, and some part of her hated it and hated him in the process. according to his social media, he had gone off to college in a different state and had become engaged to his new girlfriend of a year. in their engagement photos online, he had given her the same look as he did before he'd kissed her. the look of passion, of love, of fondness. somehow, she knew seeing this hurt. never again would she have that look from him.
sinking into the bed, sulking in her thoughts, nat's hand reach over to where her phone had been charging and unplugged it from the cord. on the lock screen of her brightly lit phone, she squinted at the notifications.
89 more unread messages.
"well, so what? he's happy. he's moved on," she pondered. "i'll move on, too. there are plenty other people who demand my attention. clearly, he wasn't meant for me and i was meant for someone greater than a stupid high school fling."
she peered and scrolled through the messages to see who had replied. out of many, she'd reply to as many as she could, until her fingers were too tired from tapping nearly the same text to several different conversations of small talk. then, back to the home screen, nat started to swipe again on more potential matches.
"yes."
"no."
"god, yes."
"no."
"hm—no."
"ye-" until she came across one very particular profile of a man she'd known. thinking very thoroughly, she couldn't exactly recall where she'd seen him from.
then, she read through the profile.
Tate, 23.
New in town, looking for someone with good music taste.
about me: 6'2, a virgo, in college, drinks socially, smokes socially, likes pets, looking for a relationship.
it clicked.
the neighbor, who she'd met the day before, miraculously appeared on her dating app, after she'd worried to blue that she wouldn't be able to talk to him again.
"god, i fucking manifested this." nat was ecstatic, clearly, and searched his profile.
his profile was brief and simple, minimalistic. one picture was a mirror picture of his stature standing in what was most likely his own room. it was tidy and fairly neat—an organized man. the next was an image of himself and his dog, a golden lab who he seemed very fond of. then, a scene of himself at the beach with his arms around his two pals. everything about his profile gave off the impression of a nice guy.
not to mention, he did look much like dallas, which was something nat knew but would never admit. she knew blue would have something to say if she ever met him, however.
she swiped right, and the screen flashed a bright yellow to showcase a match.
"we—we matched!"
sounds came from the living room, a quiet pounding and banging. realizing only now that blue had already been out of bed, nat locked her phone and rose to her feet to see what she was up to. shuffling out into the living room, the sight of blue struggling to build their dismantled furniture was something else.
"need some help?" nat called to her, chuckling. blue had already unpacked the furniture and positioned some, already creating the vision they'd imagined together. it looked wonderfully theirs.
"ah! sorry, did i wake you?" she was alarmed, then apologetic. she was hoping to surprise nat with a fully furnished living room before she woke up.
"not even, i didn't even know you got up. is there something i can help you with?"
"well, all we need is this tv stand built and there are some throws and pillows in that box over there. if you wanna put those on the couch and also make us some coffee, that'd be fucking amazing." blue pointed in the direction of the kitchen, where she'd already plugged in the coffee machine on the counter. along with it was a bag of ground coffee, a bottle of creamer, and a bag of cane sugar.
"you're a saint," nat complimented her, first for the coffee, then at their newly furnished living room. it already felt much like home, or better yet, their own home.
again, together, with seamless cooperation, the stand was furnished with little to no time, and they were back onto the couch again. with mugs brought out from a yet unpacked box, nat brought cups of hot coffee over to blue, who was already exhausted from the work.
"the place looks so good, honestly."
blue thanked her and took the coffee.
"this coffee looks even better."
"tell me about it."
their first sips of coffee were full of satisfaction as the nutty hints were soothing down their throats accompanied with bursts of energy.
"how'd you sleep though?" blue uttered.
"fine, i had a weird dream about dallas though. back to that first night i was in his car at riverwell park,"
"hm, were you thinking about him?"
"not really."
"well, how did you feel about it?"
"what are you, my therapist?" nat's joke made the two of them laugh before she replied in seriousness. "i didn't really feel anything, it was more so just a war flashback."
"hm," blue nodded. " i kinda had a weird dream last night, too."
"what about?"
"that one day at sarah grace's birthday party when we were fifteen."
"when we were in the bathroom?" nat knew exactly what she was talking about and immediately had a reaction of rolling her eyes and puffing out a sigh.
"yeah."
"god, i hate her."
"yeah."
blue didn't have much to say on the topic anymore, but felt the same way.
"how did you feel about it?"
"eh, i guess it was a war flashback for me, too. it made me think back to when things were just different. when i was different."
"i get that." nat's hatred for sarah grace and her posse were stemmed in the toxicity and inequality of the group, particularly in their treatment of blue and their betrayal to her own, when she'd been kicked out of the group herself. she never wanted to think about high school ever again, as the worst era of her life so far.
"never again." blue shook her head.
"never." nat, in agreement, raised her mug and took a sip.
"well, anyway, what're you doing today?"
"ah, i have a day shift at the bar today and i'll be home around 3. i might have a date tonight, if i actually go."
"i think you should, it'll be good for you to go out."
"mm," nat shrugged, still unsure if she'd go. "what about you? what're you doing today?"
"well, honestly, i asked joanie for a night off this morning cause of what happened at the diner. so, after i do some food deliveries during the lunch rush later, i don't think i have plans today."
"oh? well, why don't you go out on a date today? your phone was buzzing all night with messages, i bet there's someone who wants to go out with you," nat teased and poked at blue, hoping that she'd be able to send her off on her first date in nearly two years.
"i don't know. do you really think it's a good idea?"
"positive."
blue's phone was laid out on a oaky coffee table in front of them, and nat grasped it to check her messages. within them was a special one that nat had been waiting for, one that blue couldn't refuse a date with. in her hand, she unveiled the message on the phone to blue.
"look! it's jax!"