Connor was the only one there by the time Camila got to the rehearsal space the next day. She'd dressed in the same dark clothes and makeup, comfortable now in her new aesthetic.
She opened the door to see Connor leaned over the back of the couch, talking to a girl Camila vaguely recognized from around the studio. They were giggling about something, but Connor stopped when he saw her.
"Hey." He sat back down as the girl turned back to finish restocking the fridge.
"I like your boots." The girl looked over at Camila.
"Oh, thanks." Camila smiled. "I thought the extra padding might help, plus, they make me taller."
"Camila, this is Greta. She's sort of like our assistant—" Connor froze when Greta turned around and glared at him. "And, she's the love of my life—I was getting to that part."
"I'll get you anything you need, just ask me when I'm in a good mood." Greta smiled as Camila before reaching out to pat Connor's head. "This one's on thin ice."
Camila smiled, finding them surprisingly cute as she shrugged off her coat and went to turn on the electric kettle on the counter, sifting through the tea flavors they had.
"Where is everyone?"
"I saw John go down to Roger's office, and I think Shawn will be here in a minute." Connor said, taking his bass out and fiddling with the tuning pegs. "Did he send you the song last night?"
"Yes." Camila said, remembering her plan to form some sort of friendship with both of them. "It was really good, I loved it."
"Yeah, same. He's really good at writing, even better than John." He glanced away. "Uh, don't tell him I said that."
"I won't." Camila giggled, blowing on her tea. She then remembered what she was supposed to be feeling for John. "I think John's brilliant, though. He's so talented."
"No, yeah, that guy is a fucking singer."
"And he can play... like, have you seen his hands when he plays?"
Connor looked at her in almost shock, his brows raising. Even Greta gave her a weird look from she was on the floor by the fridge. Camila just shrugged and turned away, holding back laughter as she sipped her tea. She was satisfied that the first seeds of romance had been potentially planted.
Truthfully, Camila had noticed John's hands, but that was only because it'd become habitual to look at guitarists' hands when they played ever since she started learning guitar herself. She spent so much time watching her teacher's hands, that her eyes just naturally went there when she watched John. There was nothing really romantic about it, but they didn't have to know that.
Camila sat beside Connor, using any chance to sit that she could before John showed up. She hummed softly to herself, breathing and working on scales, sipping her tea when the door opened. She looked up to see Shawn.
"Good morning." Camila smiled. "We were just talking about how awesome the song is."
Shawn smiled, glancing away almost shyly. He shrugged off his coat, tossing it onto a chair and leaving his scarf on around his neck. He looked at Connor, and Connor seemed to understand, getting up and following him towards the back of the room. After a moment, Camila could hear Connor whispering.
"Swollen again, how?"
Camila started her scales again, humming a bit louder to keep herself from eavesdropping. Despite how insanely curious she was, she knew that it was really none of her business.
John walked in, Camila noting how similar they were dressed in all black clothes. He dropped his guitar case onto the table.
"Good morning." Camila smiled. John gave her a small nod before noticing Greta behind her. He then gave her a wider smile.
"Good morning." He looked to the back of the room. "Hey, guys, chit chat time is over."
"Alright, I'll get out of your hair." Greta put the last drink on the shelf in the fridge and stood up, looking back at Connor. "Bye Cutie, see you tonight!"
John seemed to be losing his patience, watching Greta leave before Connor picked his bass up off the couch. Shawn took his seat at the drums, typing on his phone with one hand and twirling a drumstick in the other.
"Alright, we've got a lot of work to do. Roger says we're recording tomorrow." John said, taking his guitar out.
"Tomorrow?" Connor looked up.
"Yeah, that gives us just enough time to mix it before it hits the radio, and then we've got the party Friday night." He slipped the guitar strap on over his head. "So, let's get cracking—Camila?"
"Yes?" She tossed her paper cup in the trash.
"What about your suggestions? Did you want any changes on the song?"
"Oh, no." Camila shook her head, surprised John even remembered and asked. "It's so good already, I don't think it needs anything else."
"Alright good, let's get to work."
Camila had listened to the song on repeat last night, even though that was just a demo version, just John and a guitar, she wanted to make sure she memorized every word, every chord and knew every time John even paused for breath.
They practiced it a few times, having decided to duet and alternate verses. Camila could feel herself already getting used to the demands of rehearsal once more. Her body didn't ache as much anymore, but maybe that was the boots.
She watched John out of the corner of her eye as it went on. It really was admirable, the way he didn't seem to falter. He never seemed tired or even out of breath. She found herself watching his hands when he played.
She looked at Connor's too, just because. He seemed to show his weariness after the tenth time. He kept flexing his fingers, and took the break to head to the counter and start the coffee pot.
Camila felt a soft touch on her arm and turned to see Shawn standing behind her. He held out his phone and she looked down, their hands brushing when she took it.
You guys sound so good!!! It's gonna sound so awesome when it's finally done!!! :)
Camila giggled, finding it sort of cute that he used so many exclamation points and smiley faces when he typed, likely to match how he seemed on the outside. Camila had noticed that about him, how outwardly happy he was, even though he was silent.
"Thanks, I'm so excited to finally record with you guys!" She grinned, passing the phone back to him.
"We've been good before." John said. "But now we're great, because of you."
Camila blinked in surprise, blushing at the way he smiled at her. She knew she shouldn't be shocked, he was likely playing it all up in preparation for Friday, but still, having John compliment her to her face was still so new.
"Hey, guys, chit chat time is over!" Connor smirked, heading back to his spot. John just glared at him and Camila saw Shawn laughing silently as he put his phone back in his pocket.
They rehearsed a few more times, Camila feeling the wonderful endorphins of the music through her body, the way her voice blended with John's or the instruments when she took verses alone.
She'd brought some medicine with her this time to take as early as possible. Hopefully, once they got into the full swing of performing, she wouldn't be getting headaches from it all, she'd be used to it. She grabbed a cup of water for her medicine, finding herself watching everyone else wind down.
Connor was picking at the calluses on his fingers and Shawn was on his phone, typing with one hand and doing his usual twirling with the other. She'd been watching him do that for a while, and he never dropped the drumstick. She wasn't sure why she found that impressive.
After a moment, he put his phone back in his pocket and put the stick down. She watched as he rubbed each of his wrists in turn, slowly rotating his hand and gritting his teeth when his wrists popped. For the first time, she noticed the tattoo on his hand. The bird looked like it was flying when he flexed his fingers.
"Camila?"
"Yes?" She jumped slightly, her face flushing as she looked up at John.
"I'll walk you home?"
"Okay." She said and he reached for her hand again.
She showed up very early the next day to record, this time they squashed in one of the booths rather than the rehearsal space. Through the glass, Camila could see Roger watching them, so she made her gaze never wavered from John.
Greta kept popping in to give them water or giving them thumbs-up from the other side of the glass. Camila noted that she'd even opted to wear one of the band t-shirts for encouragement.
They worked into the evening, Camila feeling the usual aches as it got dark out. She even saw John wipe his forehead. It was the only fraction of vulnerability she'd ever seen.
"How are you holding up?" She asked in, her voice low, just between the two of them.
"Fine." He assured her. "We sound great."
"Let me see your hand."
"What?"
"Let me see your hand."
Camila had seen Greta rubbing Connor's hands in between takes. She wasn't sure how much it actually helped, but it looked super romantic. After a second, John held out his hand.
Camila wrapped both her hands around his, gently rubbing her thumbs into the tendons on the top, her fingers pressing into his palm on the bottom. For the first time, she noticed the tattoo on his hand too, a cherry blossom.
"Okay, guys, one more time." Roger said over the microphone on the other side of the glass.
Camila let go of John's hand, her stomach clenching with nerves. She knew that was nothing compared to what she was supposed to do with him at the party, but it was still the most she'd yet to initiate. She looked up to see if Connor had noticed.
He had his eyes down on his bass, and Camila felt a twinge of annoyance until she noticed Shawn. He was staring at them, but quickly looked away when she caught his eye.
Roger said they had it after the next take. Camila sighed in relief, her throat dry and her legs tired from standing. Roger gave her a small approving nod as they filed out, and Camila knew he liked the move she pulled with John's hand.
They heard a few different mixed versions the next day, and the four of them got to make changes or suggestions as they saw fit. It was the most included Camila had felt so far, especially when a small change she suggested went over well with everyone else.
Shawn smiled at her and Camila told herself it was because he'd wrote the song, why she took his praise so much more to heart.
They finally all agreed on the final mix, and even Roger seemed excited, pretending to dance until they all groaned in embarrassment.
The song was going to premiere on the biggest radio station in Los Angeles and they all crammed into the rehearsal space the morning of, the radio on and everyone listening as they lounged around on the couches.
Camila sat close to John, their knees touching. Connor laid across the other couch, Greta in his lap. Shawn sat alone on the end, his eyes glued to his phone where he typed fast.
Her phone buzzed and she looked to see Shawn had just posted from Bitter Impulse's Twitter account. She knew John, Connor, and Shawn all had access to the account, but Camila could always tell when Shawn posted. He always put a lot of exclamation points in the tweets.
Our new song premiers right now!!!! Listen live or stream!!! Link below!!!!!!!!
Camila smirked, liking the tweet just as the DJ came back on from the commercial. Camila put her phone away leaning in as the DJ started up.
"Next, we've got the long-awaited new release from Bitter Impulse, see if you can guess the mystery girl on the track! We've got a special announcement, so stick around, don't go anywhere!"
"...Turn my mic up louder, I got to say something. Lightweights stepping aside when we come in..."
John sounded so good, Camila felt a rush of admiration for the raw power in his voice. She found herself listening to the instruments in the back too, the strum of bass and the pounding of drums.
"...Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping. F— that, I wanna see some fists pumping!"
Camila clamped her hand over her mouth, laughing silently in excitement at the sound of her own voice swearing in a rock song. Well, the radio censored it, as she knew they would, but still.
The song finally ended, sounding better than Camila would ever have expected, and she felt John reach down and place his hand on hers. She felt her stomach clench, but ignored it.
"That was Bitter Impulse!" The DJ came back on. "And did anyone recognize the lovely Camila!? This wasn't just a feature! We're here to announce that Camila has officially signed on with the band and will be joining them on their upcoming tour! Check our site for tickets and shows!"
They all cheered and clapped, aside from Shawn who was typing again, an excited grin on his face. John squeezed her hand as Shawn leaned over, holding out his phone again. Camila looked down to see the band's twitter page.
"You should post something." Connor said, seeming to know what Shawn was meaning.
"Post something?" She took the phone from him, pulling her shaking hand out from under John's as she glanced nervously at Roger. "What should I say?"
"Whatever you want." Roger said, smiling. "You're one of them now. Just tell everyone how excited you are."
"Okay..."
Camila's hands trembled as she typed something out, the phone so warm from having been in Shawn's hands. She wanted to show how she felt in exclamation points, but that was Shawn's brand now.
I'm so excited to be part of this amazing group! I've loved them for so long and I can't wait to feel the magic of the tour and to see all of you there! Love you! Xxx
She clicked post, watching it send before passing the phone back to Shawn. She made a mental note to check the comments later from her own phone.
Roger went back to his office to watch the statistics of the song from his computer, as well as finalize preparations for the party tomorrow night.
That night, Camila laid in bed and scrolled on the replies on the post she'd made. She'd retweeted it onto her own account, and now the comments were coming in.
'This is literally so random, but I'm here for it!'
'She's doing rock now?? Her talent is unending!'
'I was just saying she needs to do a rock album! I was literally just saying this!'
Camila stayed up late, liking people's posts from her own account. Texts from her family came in, congratulating her on the song, even though she knew they didn't really understand how good rock was.
Her phone buzzed, and Camila clicked over, expecting a text from John or Roger about tomorrow. To her surprise, it was a text from Shawn.
After listening to our own stuff so much, it's nice to relax with something a little different. :)
There was a picture sent with it, and after a moment, Camila realized it was a Spotify screenshot. He was streaming her pop album.
Camila stared down at her phone, blushing. Her fingers hovered over the keys for a moment, but she decided to be good-natured about it. After all, what was a joke between bandmates?
Very funny! :P
She hoped he understood she was sticking her tongue out at him, but in a friendly way.
No, I'm serious! I love your album!
You like pop?
Don't tell anyone!
He sent her that, along with an emoji, the yellow face holding a finger over its mouth as if to say shh. Camila giggled, texting him back.
Your secret is safe with me. There's a lot of Spanish in my songs. Do you speak Spanish?
She realized the error of what she said just as she hit send. Her heart plummeted in her chest when he replied.
I don't speak anything.
Camila froze, staring down at her phone in a slight panic. Her heart was pounding and her fingers shaking over the keys when he texted her again.
That was a joke!! Please don't be upset!!! I was just kidding!!!
"What the fuck..." Camila started laughing, shaking her head and typing back.
That wasn't funny! I almost freaked the fuck out!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
She shook her head, unable to hold back and laughing harder at his response. She ended up texting Shawn most of the night, talking about pop he secretly liked or rock that she openly loved.
She got a few texts from Connor, John, and Roger, but they were mostly just short congratulations on the song.
She felt a pang of guilt, knowing she should be making an effort with John. She told herself it was okay, after all, they'd have their big moment tomorrow night at the party.
Camila fell asleep somewhere around three in the morning, her phone open to her conversation with Shawn.
"You can look through these, pick whatever one you want."
Camila sat on her bed the next day, her damp hair dripping down the back of her bathrobe. Greta laid out a few different dresses on the bed, each of them wrapped heavily in plastic.
She knew she was going to have to get used to this again—someone around when she got dressed, making sure she looked a certain way depending on the event. Apparently, Greta was more than just someone to get their coffee. Camila learned she was also an aspiring stylist, and for the duration of the tour, she would be working on Camila.
"The guys don't want or need my help." Greta chuckled when Camila asked. "Connor never takes my suggestions on what to wear, but Roger is going to make sure they at least look presentable."
"What's John wearing?" Camila asked, rubbing a towel on her hair.
"I've got a picture of it. He does most of his own styling, and I'm not complaining." Greta scrolled on her phone for a moment before showing Camila a photo.
It was a sharp black suit, with a matching shirt and tie. Camila had to admit he'd look good in it, and she turned towards the dresses on the bed.
"Okay, guess I'm going with black too."
"Aw, matching?" Greta smiled. "I heard you guys were kind of going together?"
Tonight was the official start of her relationship with John, and she had the perfect chance here to practice a very essential skill—gushing about him. Camila put on her best dreamy smile, gazing wistfully out her bedroom window.
"Yes." She sighed. "It's sort of like a date, and I hope something comes of it!"
"Woah, cute!" Greta smiled. "How'd he ask you?"
Camila shifted through the dresses on the bed, thinking fast. She couldn't tell Greta that it was pre-decided for the both of them as they sat in a meeting with a lawyer.
"After we finished recording." Camila said. "He pulled me aside and asked me to go with him. He held my hand and everything."
"Wow, it's so weird to imagine John being that soft." Greta laid out makeup across the vanity. "He must really like you."
"You've known him for a while then?"
"Yeah, but I've mostly grown immune to how he can be." She shrugged. "I've known the guys ever since they signed on. I was just a little intern back then, but I still remember the first time I ever saw Connor. He smiled at me and it was just like—wow—you know?"
"Yeah." Camila giggled, though truthfully she couldn't remember John ever giving her a genuine smile, at least not one that wowed her.
She did randomly think of Shawn, though, only because Greta said she knew them well. She wondered if Greta knew what Shawn's situation was, why he didn't talk. She knew it wasn't her business, but it felt like she was still oddly on the outside, to not know something everyone else seemingly did.
"Can I ask you something?" Camila chose one of the dresses, a short shimmery black one, and began carefully taking off the plastic. "Why doesn't Shawn talk?"
"Oh, um—"
"No, never mind—" Camila shook her head. "It's none of my business."
"I, I just don't wanna say anything without Shawn's permission."
"I completely get it, I shouldn't have even asked."
"But he had nodules. He said it's okay to tell people that much."
Camila nodded, but didn't reply, turning away to find underwear in the dresser drawers. Camila knew from countless stories in the industry that nodules could affect your voice, but there had to be more to keep him that quiet.
Camila got dressed in the silence, pulling on her new underwear and strapless bra before Greta helped her zip the dress up in the back. It felt nice, swishing against her bare legs.
She sat at the vanity next, Greta setting her hair in soft waves. Camila loved the way she looked, but had to admit it wasn't very rock star. Greta seemed to be thinking the same thing.
"Can I try something with your makeup?" She asked. "You can tell me if you hate it, I promise I won't be offended, I just wanna experiment."
"Okay, sure."
Camila opened her eyes a while later, looking right in the mirror. Her usual color and lipstick were on, her lips glossy. But the draw was her eyes.
Greta had coated her eyelids in a soft silver, scattered black stars fanning out over her eyelids and off the winged tips of her eyeliner.
"Wow! This looks amazing!"
"It's a stencil!" Greta smiled proudly.
"I love it!" Camila reached for her phone, using the camera to take a closer look and take a few pictures for later. "It looks so good, thank you so much!"
"Thanks for letting me practice without whining like Connor does!"
Camila then had to choose shoes, going with some that didn't have such a high heel. John was going to tower over her no matter what, and the sooner they accepted that, the better.
Greta then took all her stuff back down to her car, going home to get dressed to go as Connor's date. Camila spent a while taking pictures in the mirror, hoping that didn't make her too conceited, since it wasn't like she was going to post them. She looked down a minute later to see a text from Shawn.
Is Greta still there?
No, she just left.
Then can I ask your fashion advice?
Camila stared down at her phone in surprise. She didn't know why he didn't just text Greta, but she knew she should say yes to keep the peace in the band.
Sure!
The blue or the red??
He sent her two pictures. Both were of him in the same trousers and collared shirt, but in one he was wearing a blue scarf, and in the other he was wearing a red scarf. In both, he was doing silly poses and Camila laughed.
Well, what does Connor say?
He says blue.
I think blue too.
She just didn't know much about that sort of thing, and decided to just agree with Connor. He looked nice either way, and she had to admit she admired how committed he was to the scarf aesthetic. She decided to tell him so.
Are scarves like your brand?
Gotta stay cozy!!
Camila got an incoming call, Roger telling her the car was downstairs. Camila grabbed her coat and purse before heading out.
There was a limousine in the parking lot. John was waiting outside to open her door and Camila smiled at him. He was wearing the same black suit from the picture, and like she'd anticipated, he made it work.
"You look nice." She said.
"So do you." He nodded, opening her door. Camila was glad they'd planned that, seeing as the doorman of her building was right on the other side of the glass.
Roger was sitting on one side and Camila sat across from him, John taking the seat beside her and closing the door.
"You two look lovely. So, how are we feeling?" Roger grinned excitedly, looking between them.
"Nervous." Camila admitted it only because Roger was here.
"Don't be." John put his hand on hers again. "Just stay by me."
"Now, remember," Roger started. "There'll be media there, but not just that, everyone has their phones these days, who knows what moment is going to end up getting captured—and people talk—so let's stay on our best behavior."
Camila nodded, her stomach clenching. She hadn't even thought of that, that pretty much anyone there could take pictures. That meant she'd have to hang on John all night.
"Remember Camila, you're super excited about the song, about touring with the band."
"Right—"
"And you've only got eyes for John."
Camila ignored the nervous pounding of her heart. Her hands suddenly felt sweaty and she pulled her hand out from under John's, her stomach clenching when his hand went to her knee instead.
"John," Roger looked at him. "Remember, happy thoughts, and show everyone how much you like Camila. Come on, would it kill you to smile and mean it once in a while?"
"How's this?" John gave Roger a forced grin, baring his teeth. Roger just rolled his eyes, sighing in exasperation.
Camila turned to stare out the window, looking back at her own reflection in the tinted glass. She could see the stars Greta painted on her eyes shining in the glass. Neither Roger nor John had mentioned them.
"How's the song doing?" Camila asked, looking back at Roger.
"Really good numbers, overwhelming support for you in the band." Roger said. "Don't give anyone a reason to change their mind."
The car pulled up into a long driveway. Camila knew they were going to one of the producer's houses for the party. She'd been there a couple of times when her album was releasing, so she remembered the lines of paparazzi up against the gate.
They stopped at the gate and Camila could hear the roar of voices, camera lights flashing and clicking outside just inches away. Camila took a breath, glad the windows were tinted, but knowing they were just seconds away from being spotted together.
"Oh, I almost forgot." Roger opened his jacket and reached into the inside pocket before pulling out a small flat box and handing it to her. "Tell anyone who asks that it's from John."
Camila opened the box, noting John was looking curiously, as if he'd played no part in picking out whatever was inside. A guitar pick hung from a simple black band. Camila actually laughed—it was exactly like something she'd actually wear. She flashed Roger a grateful smile, so glad he'd known her as long as he had.
She put it on, letting the purple pick hang down on her chest just as the car stopped on the driveway. She could still hear the roar of the media, and knew they'd only be a few yards away, separated by a line of hedges and an iron gate.
"Well, here goes nothing." John opened his door, the roar louder as he stepped out onto the driveway. He then turned and offered his hand to Camila.
Camila slipped her hand in his, his grip steadying her as she stepped out of the car. The media called out to them, flashes and camera clicks going wild. Camila didn't look at them, she only held onto John's arm, closing the door behind her.
"Is Roger coming with us?" Camila asked in a whisper as they started up the huge mansion steps.
"Don't know—" John replied through gritted teeth. "But smile, it's our first date."
Camila forced a smile, but knew she could do better. She tried to think of something funny, something that could cut through her nerves and really make her laugh. The last funny thing she remembered was the picture on her phone of Shawn doing finger guns in the mirror. It had her laughing softly just as a series of flashes went off.
The roar of the media was replaced by the roar of the party as they walked in. Just from the foyer, Camila could hear loud music and loud chatter and laughter.
"I can take your coats." Someone from the house staff approached them.
Camila gave up her jacket and purse. John shrugged out of his suit jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. She wrapped her arm around his again as he led her into the living room.
The party was in full swing. People in flashy clothes drank on every surface, multi-colored lights dancing off the walls and ceiling.
"I'm thirsty." She whispered, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.
"Wait here, I'll get you a drink." John said, he then gave her a smile, as if he were practicing it, before going to a row of coolers nearby.
"Camila! Hey!"
Connor dragged Greta over and Camila's eyes widened at the sight of her. Greta always wore plain jeans and t-shirts at work, but now her short blonde hair was curled and her dress showed off her figure.
"Wow, you look—Holy shit!" Camila said and Greta giggled.
"That's what I said!" Connor laughed. He was dressed in just trousers and a nice shirt. "Have you seen Shawn yet?"
"No, we just got here." Camila began looking around when Greta pointed.
"Oh, there he is!"
Camila turned, looking past the crowd. Shawn was standing flat against the wall, sipping from a beer. Camila noted he looked somehow more mysterious in the way his curls falling in eyes cast a shadow over his face.
Connor and Greta waved him over and Shawn made a show of looking grossed out as he stepped widely around people grinding on each other.
"Hey," Camila got a better look at him as he stepped out of the strobe lights. He was wearing the same outfit he'd sent her pictures of, but now with a green scarf around his neck "I thought you were going to go with blue?"
Shawn smiled and pointed towards Greta.
"Oh, she told you to choose green?" Camila asked and Shawn nodded. "Hm. I think that was a better idea anyways."
He titled his head curiously as if to ask why.
"Because green looks best on people with brown eyes." She said and he looked surprised, his brows raising. Camila blushed, knowing how that made her sound. "I swear—I don't know anything about fashion, I only know that from YouTube makeup tutorials!"
Shawn chuckled before pointed at her, mouthing something she could actually catch.
"My eyes?" She blushed, then remembered her makeup. "Oh, no, Greta did that! I'm obsessed with it though, it looks so cool."
Shawn nodded in agreement.
"Hey—"
Camila had somehow almost forgotten about John. Shawn looked close to shrinking back as John came over.
"Hey," John looked right at him. "Where'd the hell you find beer? I could only find these stupid things."
He held up Camila's favorite kind of wine cooler as Shawn turned back and pointed to another row of coolers. John started towards it, coming back after swapping the wine coolers for Bud Light.
Camila just smiled when he opened hers for her, forcing herself to pretend she didn't hate beer as she took a few sips, glad at least for something to quench her thirst.
"Let me take your guys' picture." Greta said, getting her phone out. "This will look so good on the band's page!"
Camila wrapped one arm around John's, standing closer as Greta backed up a few steps.
"Connor, stop being goofy!" Greta sighed. "Shawn, get in, you're way on the end!"
Camila felt Shawn's arm brush hers as he stepped closer. Camila smiled, wondering if John was at least trying to do the same. Greta took a few pictures of them and promised to post them to the band's page later tonight.
"Come on, let's mingle." John gently pulled her alongside him as she kept her arm still in his.
She looked back, trying to flash the group some sort of smile. Connor was too busy looking at the pictures on Greta's phone. Only Shawn watched John pull her away, his eyes locking with hers for only a second as he took another drink of beer.
Almost everyone here was in the industry, most of them working for the same label. Camila had met most of them back when she was doing her album, but she also hadn't seen them in forever.
She made sure to smile at everyone and tell them how excited she was about the band. She kept her arm wrapped around John's, smiling up at him every few minutes.
"Yeah, he's amazing!" Camila was telling some of the producers, smiling up at John will all the happiness she could muster after drinking a whole beer. "He's so talented, I'm so lucky!"
"No, I'm the lucky one." John smiled back at her and Camila almost felt something.
It seemed to take over an hour for them to finally greet everyone important. By then, Camila's face hurt from all the smiling, and her palms were sweating from where she'd been gripping John's arm.
"I'm thirsty again." She whispered as they passed the cooler.
"Here, babe." John stepped away and then came back with two more beers. Camila groaned inwardly as she took it.
"Do you wanna dance?" She asked, eyeing a group that looked like they were having the time of their lives just vibing to the music.
"Dance?" He scoffed, downing his beer. "No."
"Roger said look like you're having fun." She reminded him. "You do know what fun is, right?"
"Camila, we'll look silly."
"So? It's a party, everyone's acting silly! I just saw someone trying to do a keg stand."
"This is a mansion, not a frat house." He slipped his hand in hers. "Come on, lighten up."
"Me lighten up? John, all we've done was smile at a million drunk people who won't even remember this tomorrow!"
"Camila, smile—" John said through gritted teeth, giving her hand a reminding squeeze.
"John," Camila smiled at him, batting her eyes and ignoring the taste of beer still in the back of her throat. "I really want to have some fun here with you. Come on, at least tell me something interesting about you. What do you like to do other than play guitar and scowl?"
"You really wanna do something fun?" He lowered his voice, squeezing her hand more gently now.
"Yes!"
John led her across the living room towards the stairs. Camila could hear the party continuing onto the next floor, so she didn't feel too worried as they climbed the stairs.
He led her down the hall and several corners, Camila passing tons of huge rooms full of people drinking and laughing or kissing. They finally arrived at a random bedroom.
A small group of guys Camila didn't know were sitting on the floor, the breeze heavy from the open window. Camila recognized a familiar smell and looked down to see a few of them rolling joints.
"Really?"
"John, finally." One of the guys looked up, twisting the ends of the joint in his fingers. "Is that the new girl?"
"This is Camila." John said. "She said she wanted to have fun."
"Oh, gotcha!" He laughed. "You want the first hit? I promise it's just weed, nothing weird laced in here!"
"Oh, um—" Camila could already feel the effects of two beers through her. It dulled her senses just a tad, but it couldn't make this night any more fun. Maybe this could. "Yeah, sure, why not?"
Camila wasn't dumb, she knew there were likely worse drugs floating around this same party, but at least weed wouldn't make her blackout or hallucinate or anything. And if John was going to open up under the influence of it, then she definitely wanted to see that.
She sat down on the floor beside John, their knees brushing. John introduced her to the other guys. Most of them were assistants who worked at the label, but one guy, Tobin, was apparently in a rock band. Camila was surprised she hadn't heard of him.
"I love rock!" She said as Tobin passed her the lit joint.
"Yeah, says every girl who wants to fuck one of us!" He laughed.
"Hey—" John snapped. "Camila really means it. She's a true rock star. Don't be mad just because no one's heard of you."
The other guys roared with laughter and Camila flashed John a grateful smile before taking a hit. The smoke burned, tasting mostly of char. She coughed heavily, feeling her nose threatening to water.
"Can't take it?" Tobin asked.
Camila was coughing too hard to reply, but she felt John take the joint from her. A second later, he was coughing too.
"This is the worst fucking pot I've ever had. Who did you buy this from, a high schooler?" John snapped and the other guys laughed harder, one even rolling back and forth on the carpet.
"Whatever." Tobin took his joint back, glaring at John.
Camila suddenly tasted that char in the back of her throat again. She kept coughing, and after a second, John offered her the last of his beer. She took the bottle, but knew the end of it would be all warm and mostly John's backwash.
"I'll be right back, I need some water." Camila stood up. John nodded, eyeing the next joint one of the guys was rolling.
Camila stepped into the hall, fighting the way her eyes wanted to water. More than anything, she did not want her makeup messed up. She wasn't sure why her buzzed brain was so worried about her makeup, but maybe it was just because Greta worked so hard on it.
She walked blindly down the hall, passing rooms of people partying before she finally found a bathroom. She grabbed a wad of toilet paper from the roll and leaned over the sink, blowing her nose and carefully blotting her eyes, smudging the stars as little as she could manage.
She knew it probably didn't look very dignified, but she took several drinks of water from her cupped hands under the sink. Water dripped down from her chin and ran down her arms to her elbows. She wiped her hands on a towel before going back out.
Camila was just pacing the halls, glancing into random rooms and getting more and more turned around when she began to wonder why she was even trying to get back to John.
They'd already talked to almost everyone here and Camila was sure she'd wind up in a million Instagram candid shots tomorrow, all hanging on John's arm and staring up at him with loving eyes.
She'd done her job for tonight—now she was allowed to have fun.
Camila started back towards the stairs she'd passed before when walked past someone slumped against the wall. It was getting late, about the time people would be passing out drunk. Camila was just about to step around them when she recognized the green scarf.
"Shawn?" Camila looked down at him, knowing it was him for sure with the way his hair fell in his face.
He was staring down at the floor, his face pale and his eyes wide. His breathing was shallow and shaky as she crouched down.
"Shawn, are you okay?" She crouched in front of him. His eyes moved towards her, but he seemed to be staring past her. "Oh my God, what's wrong? Are-Are you really drunk?"
He shook his head and Camila went on, her buzzed brain trying to keep up.
"Are you having a panic attack or something?"
He nodded fast and Camila felt her own panic rising in her chest along with pangs of sympathy. She'd been on the edge of those a million times, especially in settings like this. She was actually surprised she hadn't been close to one tonight with the way she was supposedly being watched.
"Okay, okay, just breathe." She placed her hand on his back, rubbing soft circles and feeling his breathing still shallow.
"Holy fuck, dude!"
Camila looked up to see one of John's friends, one of the interns laughing at them. She glared, hate rising in her chest.
"Mind your own business, this isn't fucking funny!"
"No, dude, he's not dying!" He laughed, stumbling closer. "We split an edible earlier! We gave Shawn the biggest piece, I guess he's just really feeling it."
"Oh my God, really?" She looked at Shawn's face and he nodded, still not looking at her. "Well, what do I do!?"
"Uh, maybe he can sleep it off? Or, no, stick him in the shower and turn it on cold!"
Shawn shook his head, as if begging her not to do that.
"Don't worry, I won't." She assured him, rubbing his back. She wouldn't even know how to find the bathroom again from here. But thinking of that gave her another idea. "What if he threw up? Would that help?"
"I don't know." He shrugged. "Probably couldn't hurt, though."
"Okay, come on." Camila grabbed Shawn's arm and stood up, gently urging him to his feet. "Come on, we're gonna go outside."
She wished she had help, but her phone was still in her coat pocket somewhere, and she didn't know how to find Connor or Greta without it. She also didn't trust this guy, especially since he was stumbling back down the hallway. Camila called back to him.
"Tell John I'm downstairs!" She called, not hearing a response but not caring either.
"Come on." Camila kept her hands tight around Shawn's arm, leading him down the stairs.
She was praying over and over again that he wouldn't puke on her with each shaky step. She watched his face out of the corner of her eyes. He was still pale, his eyes wide. Camila could see sweat beading on his forehead.
They finally reached the bottom of the stairs and Shawn leaned heavily on her before swaying the other way, bumping hard into a table and rattling the drinks on top.
"No, this way, come on." Camila gently pulled him along in between wild crowds.
She knew there was a patio door in the kitchen, and reaching it was her only goal. She had no idea what would happen to them if he puked on the carpet or furniture.
They reached the kitchen, Camila feeling like she was dragging a zombie behind her. Shawn just walked so slow, and Camila tried to be sympathetic, knowing each step was likely agony, but they were so close to outside now.
There was a bucket of ice on the kitchen counter, bottles of Perrier half buried in them. Camila reached out with her free hand and grabbed one, grateful for the first sign of non-sink water all night.
She let go of Shawn long enough to wrench open the sliding glass door. Shawn stumbled outside and then ran, getting just past the concrete patio before he was puking all over the grass.
Camila slammed the door behind them and ran over, hanging back at the edge of the patio and listening as he puked over and over again. She winced, trying not to think of the warm beer in her body to keep from puking too.
"Um, are you okay?" She called and he nodded.
She stood there, holding the sparkling water and listening to him cough and spit a few times before he was just breathing shakily and sniffling.
He finally rose to his feet, looking at her over his shoulder. His face was redder now, sweat slick on his forehead.
She followed him as he walked out into the yard. He then sat down and sprawled out, laying across the grass. She stared down at him for a moment before holding out the bottle.
"Want some water? It's bubbly."
He nodded and sat up before taking the bottle. Camila sat down in the grass beside him, noting the breeze did help. She didn't feel quite as sick either.
He opened the bottle and tilted his head back, pouring it into his mouth a few times and swallowing, likely being considerate of his lips touching the bottle. He handed it back to her a moment later and Camila suddenly didn't care about germs, she was so thirsty.
She drank the rest of it, finally feeling the burn in her throat fade and the clenching in her stomach ease up. Shawn turned away from her and she could tell he was wiping his forehead and face with the end of his scarf.
"How do you feel?" She asked him.
He shrugged, taking a few deep breaths. He reached into his pants pocket and took out his phone. Camila looked over at the screen and saw it was almost midnight.
"Did you actually eat an edible?" She asked and he nodded. "Why?"
He looked at her before looking down at his phone. He typed something on his phone before holding it out to her.
I wanted to get high.
"Oh. Well, duh." She shook her head, laughing at herself. A second later, he cracked a smile too. "I'm going to be honest, that was probably your best bet. I've had the weed here, and it sucks. It's like they bought it from a high schooler."
Shawn chuckled silently, his face going somber as he typed something else out. His fingers hovered almost hesitantly over the keys before he held his phone out again.
I can't smoke anymore because of my throat.
She stared down at the screen, her heart pounding and her face flushing as her buzzed mind made sense of the words.
"Oh, um..." She looked up at him, unsure of what to say as he pulled his phone back and put it in his pocket.
He shrugged, as if telling her not to bother. He then laid back down in the grass, breathing slow. Camila watched him for a while, watching his face slowly go back down to the natural color.
She wasn't sure why she didn't want to go back in. Maybe it was just the idea of how loud it was or how hard it would be to find John again. They were supposed to leave together, though, but she wasn't even sure when.
"Are you excited about tour?" She asked Shawn a little while later.
He smiled, nodding eagerly. Camila smiled back, noting how peaceful it was out here compared to inside. Out here, the only sounds were the gentle chirping of crickets.
"You know, when I was on tour before, I gotta kind of lonely." She wasn't sure why she was saying the very things she only ever wrote in her journal, the things she'd never even tell Roger. "I would wake up in a different city every day, and do my shows and everything, but no one tells you what it's like. My name was on the tour and on the album, it was literally only me. At the end of the night, the only person who knew what it was like—to be on that stage and do all that stuff—was me. It was only me, and that was so weirdly fucking...isolating, to be the only person. I couldn't talk to anyone about it."
She looked over to see Shawn looking at her. She knew it was wrong to say his silence made him a good listener, because it was so much more than that. Maybe it was because he actually looked like he cared what she had to say.
"But now, it'll be different." She smiled shyly. "Because of you guys. It won't be a completely unique thing, because the four of us will be experiencing it together. We're a team, so not one of us will ever be alone up there. I guess I'm just really fucking glad to know that."
Shawn smiled, nodding at her. Camila chuckled, tucking her hair behind her ear and tilting her head back.
"You know what I did when I felt really bad on tour—besides feeling guilty that I felt bad? This." She sighed. "I went outside, and I looked up at the sky. Because—now, this is cheesy, but I'm gonna say it because I'm drunk—because the sky is the same no matter where in the world you are."
She saw Shawn shaking his head out of the corner of her eye and she rolled her eyes, holding back an annoyed laugh.
"No, I know the sky is actually different depending on where you are and the time of year or whatever, but you know what I mean!" She saw him laugh silently. "But the stars and the planets and the moon and shit are all there! So, I would just go look at them! It helps. Trust me, you're doing it now, right?"
She looked over at him again to see if he was doing it, but Shawn wasn't looking at the stars in the sky. He was looking at her, at the smudged ones on her eyes.
"Camila?" The sliding door opened and Camila turned to see John stepping out onto the patio. He came closer, his voice softening when he noticed she wasn't alone. "There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you."
"Sorry, I got a little lost, and then I ran into Shawn, and he was really sick."
"Shawn?" John looked down at Shawn, the level of concern in his voice surprising. "You okay, man?"
Shawn gave him a thumbs up.
"He ate an edible and then threw up." Camila explained, standing up and brushing the grass off her skirt.
"Well, don't die on us, please." John chuckled, holding out his hand.
Shawn took it and John pulled him to his feet. Camila tried not to giggle at the grass that was clinging to the back of Shawn's hair.
"You good?" John asked and Shawn nodded. He then turned to Camila. "Hey, our ride's here."
"Oh, okay."
Camila wasn't sure why she suddenly didn't want to go, but she wrapped her arm around John's and they started back towards the house. She looked back at Shawn.
"Um, are you gonna be okay? Do you have a way home and everything?"
He nodded, but didn't look like he was planning on coming back inside, and Camila wasn't sure she blamed him. She let John lead her back towards the house.
Just before stepping over the threshold, she looked back over her shoulder. Shawn had sat back down in the grass and was still looking up at the sky.
Camila got her jacket and purse back as they left. John opened her car door for her again and Camila was relieved Roger wasn't inside. They sat apart from each other; the faint camera clicks of paparazzi stragglers outside as they drove through the gate.
"Tired?" John asked, breaking the silence.
"Yeah." She admitted, too exhausted to feel his intimidation.
"You did a good job." John patted her hand and she glanced up to see him smiling at her, softer now. "You should have seen when I was asking where you'd gone. Everyone was gushing about how cute we were together."
"That's great." She smiled, trying to mean it. "Sorry I said you scowl too much."
"Nah, you're probably right, we should have danced." He stretched his hands behind his head. "I'm just not used to going to these things with someone. I guess I didn't wanna look stupid."
"I think it's impossible for you to look stupid, John." Camila chuckled.
The car pulled up outside Camila's building and Camila mustered the last of her acting skills as John opened the door for her. They stood together outside on the pavement. Camila told herself they were being watched when she let him tuck her hair behind her ear again.
"Goodnight, Camila."
"Goodnight, John."
She held her breath until he was back in the car, watching it drive away. She kept her smile on, fighting the weariness in her bones as she walked inside.
She waved to the doorman before stepping into the elevator. She only collapsed into the ache that she felt when she closed her apartment door behind her.
She got undressed, leaving her dress and shoes in a heap on the floor. She felt for pajamas, pulling her Bitter Impulse t-shirt on over her bra and panties before going to the bathroom.
She scrubbed her face mournfully, grateful she'd taken a million pictures of her eye makeup as she washed the stars down the drain.
She crawled into bed, not bothering to check her phone, despite knowing Roger might be dying for an update. He'd just have to wait until tomorrow.
All she could think now was that she was so fucking glad Roger hadn't told her and John to end tonight with their first kiss. She'd never be able to do it if it meant tasting more beer and that horrible weed.
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A/N: hello! please tell me what you think!