I stepped back, completely thrown off seeing Gabe in my building. No matter how many times he had been there in my dreams, seeing him framed in the elevator doorway had my stomach in my chest.
"What—?" I started to say.
"Lou?" he questioned back, looking just as shocked to see me.
Behind Gabe, there was an older woman standing with her white Pomeranian, just back from a walk. I had shared an elevator ride with her before and knew she wasn't a particularly patient woman. I stepped out of the elevator so that she could get on. Gabe moved to the side as well.
She looked towards him, questioning whether he was going up.
"I'll get the next one," Gabe responded.
The elevator doors shut and we stared at each other. I noticed myself still fiddling with my engagement ring. I quickly dropped my hand to my side as if the diamond had turned scorching hot.
"So, you live here?" I asked, gesturing around, unable to keep the incredulous, irritated tone out of my voice. It had been a long day. Pleasantries weren't exactly on my list of priorities at this point.
"Uhh yeah," Gabe said. "Well no, not permanently," he corrected. "I had been renting a spot further north, but the commute was brutal, so I jumped on this spot when one of my mates needed someone to take over his lease for a couple of months."
I nodded tersely.
"Look, Lou, I know you weren't too happy with me back there. I thought about it, and honestly, you probably had some right to be upset," Gabe said, shuffling from side-to-side. I got the sense that he wasn't used to admitting he was wrong, which was why I wasn't surprised when he continued.
"I said my peace earlier. I truly do think there might be something better out there for you, and I'm not going to take that back. Even if we haven't known each other very long, it's just a gut feeling, and I had to tell you, okay?"
Again, I nodded, feeling myself soften. I already knew that everything he had said was true, and he hadn't meant any harm by suggesting I could find work that was more tailored to my talents.
Hell, at least he recognized that I had talents and opportunities beyond fulfilling the needs of Gloria. While I still wasn't remotely convinced that I had any place in the food industry, I did know that I always felt most comfortable in the kitchen. What if Gabe was right? What if I could expand my interest into a passion that carried me in a way that I never thought possible?
I tucked the thoughts into the back corner of my already very crowded mind, feeling some sense of comfort knowing my brain was slowly becoming a bit more receptive to the idea.
"So, what floor do you live on?" I asked, wanting to change the subject. Gabe looked relieved.
"Ten," he replied.
"So one above me. I'm on the ninth," I told him, feeling awkward. While I may have become accustomed to having Gabe around the office, I wasn't used to seeing him in the foyer of the building that Ben and I lived in.
"Well, then I'll probably be seeing you around even more then."
"Yup," I said in response, feeling unsure how to continue the conversation. I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans.
"Where are you headed now?" he asked, gesturing outside.
"Oh, just for a walk. Needed to clear my head," I said.
"Want company?" Gabe asked.
I hesitated.
"That was dumb," Gabe said, lightly smacking himself on the forehead. "You just said you needed to clear your head. I'll let you go," he said, already moving towards the elevator.
"Wait!" I paused, collecting myself. "If you're not busy, I'd love the company."
Gabe smiled.
Seeing him smile, knowing I was the cause, stirred something deep within me. I ignored it, not in the mood to feel guilt. While I knew the level of excitement I had in response to the mere idea of walking with Gabe was unreasonable, I also knew that I selfishly wanted to relish in the moment, no matter how inappropriate it might be.
"After you," he said, gesturing towards the door.
I grinned, feeling giddy for no other reason than I knew I was developing a serious crush on this person.
Again, I ignored the guilt that washed over me at the thought, successfully convincing myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. It's not like I was cheating, or anything remotely close. So what, I had a crush? People had crushes all the time.
Right?
I lightly shook my head, trying to clear it and focus on the moment.
"Everything okay?" I heard Gabe ask from above.
I looked up, snapping myself back into it. "Yes, sorry, my brain has been somewhere else lately," I responded.
"Seems like you've been saying that quite a bit," Gabe said, gently.
I nodded as we navigated the streets side-by-side.
"What's up?" Gabe asked.
I didn't respond or even acknowledge that I heard him. I wasn't intentionally ignoring him, but realizing that I wanted to respond to his simple question, surprised me.
The thing was, I wanted to answer him truthfully. For the first time in what felt like forever, it didn't feel scary to talk about the thoughts that were swirling around in my head. And yet, I knew Gabe was the last person I could talk to.
I still didn't respond, instead choosing to stare straight ahead, watching as the light danced on the sidewalk, illuminating everything in our path. At the very least, even if my mind wasn't in the right place, I could find some comfort in the rising temperatures, longer days, and more vitamin D.
I breathed deeply, letting Gabe know that I heard him, but was taking my time to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. He didn't rush me.
"Honestly?" I asked.
Gabe nodded, urging me on.
"I want to talk to you about it, but I can't."
Again, he nodded, understanding but also looking slightly disappointed.
"Truly, though," I said, lightly touching his arm, reminding myself of the gentle way Ben had touched my arm mere moments ago. I pulled my hand back and gathered myself.
"I want to talk to you," I started to say. "Everything is just so...complicated," I said, unable to think of any better word to describe my current situation.
"I understand," Gabe said.
Regardless, his response left me unsettled. The surge of joy I had initially felt when given the opportunity to spend time with Gabe quickly fizzled away, replaced by feelings of confusion, frustration, guilt, and anxiety.
It felt like I was attempting to solve an algebraic equation without ever having been taught how to do standard multiplication, like I was standing at a chalkboard, my feet glued to the floor, my head incapable of looking anywhere but at that math problem. The frustration of staring at that board day in and day out, writing numbers down, only to have to start right back at the beginning, was enough to drive any person mad.
I ran my hands through my hair. Again, sighing deeply, and trying to prevent a panic attack from coming along. I would not lose it, in public, with Gabe.
"Hey, do you mind if we take a seat for a 'sec?" I said, noticing a bench up ahead, fearing that my legs were about to give out underneath me.
Gabe obliged, seeming to recognize my sudden change in mood. We sat down and I could feel his eyes on me.
"Hey Lou, you don't have to talk to me about anything, okay? I'm sorry for having brought it up. For some reason, with you, I find myself too comfortable, asking questions and bringing up things that I normally wouldn't with most people. I'm not sure what it is, but you make me... well, you kind of make me forget about how I'm supposed to act. I don't know, like an out-of-body experience or something," he said, trailing off, his eyes now trained ahead, looking uncomfortable.
This time, I looked towards him as he stared off, understanding exactly what he was feeling. I resisted the urge to reach out to him again. We sat close to each other—not close enough to touch—but I knew if I were to move my leg slightly to the right, our thighs would press together, and to be honest, there was nothing I wanted more in this moment. I bit my lip, urging myself to give in to the temptation.
I held back.
"I get what you mean," I said simply, hoping he would understand that I often had the same feelings about him—that whatever it was between us, it left me feeling more comfortable and more myself than I probably ever had.
He tentatively looked towards me, continuing to play our back-and-forth ping pong game of trying to avoid eye contact.
"Yeah?" he questioned, sounding surprised that the feeling was mutual.
Again, I simply nodded in response, knowing I didn't need to say anything else. At this point, it became clear to me that we were having a similar experience.
We sat in silence for a period of time. I wasn't sure how long. People walked back and forth in front of us. I didn't notice their faces, just the movement in front of me. As cliche as it sounded, it truly felt like we were suspended in time like we were the only two people in the world.
After what felt like hours, but was probably only a minute or two, Gabe broke the silence, angling his body towards mine, clearly gearing up to tell me something important.
I braced myself.
"Okay, so I know chatting about this didn't win me any points in your books earlier, but I feel obliged to tell you something..." Gabe said.
It was becoming obvious that this was a theme with Gabe—staying silent and not expressing himself was not his thing. I didn't mind, though. As much as our last conversation had set me off, I knew, at the end of the day, Gabe expressed something to me that I had been telling myself for years and that I needed to hear from someone else. As much as I was nervous about what he was about to say, I welcomed it.
I nodded tentatively, urging him to go ahead, but also preparing myself for a shock.
"Don't worry, it's nothing bad," he said, noticing my hesitation. He paused, gathering his thoughts. "You absolutely don't have to take me up on this, so no pressure, but I was thinking, if you want help with a blog or some sort of website where you could share your recipes, I would be more than happy to help you out."
I could see the glimmer in Gabe's eyes as he told me this. Much more confident and enthused by the idea than I was, I sensed that he saw the potential that was still cloaked for me.
I didn't answer. Gabe jumped in.
"Like I said, no pressure. Just think about it. You don't have to take it super seriously right now if you don't want to. I just get the sense that maybe you're not fulfilled in your role with Gloria, and this could help. Perhaps I could help?" he said, shrugging his shoulder sheepishly.
I tried to imagine Ben offering the same assistance and support. While I knew it was completely unfair to compare the two, I also couldn't help it. As much as Ben was the "trophy husband", was he everything that I needed to fulfill my potential? To Ben, me pursuing anything beyond what I already had was ludicrous—even if he never outright it.
"I'll think about it," I told Gabe. "I'm just not so certain that it makes any sense..."
I saw Gabe opening up his mouth to argue.
"But I'll think about it," I repeated quickly.
"Awesome." He left it there, seeming satisfied that I would think about it.
After that, we sat in silence on the bench. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, though. There was no need to fill the empty moments with words, which is why, when I felt the sudden pressure of Gabe's thigh pressed up against mine, I jumped.
In response, so did Gabe, right off the bench.
"I just remembered I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner," he rambled, the sentence coming out in one long breath.
I recognized the panic in his eyes. It was similar to the panic I saw brewing in my own eyes each morning that I stood in front of the mirror and recalled my dreams from the night before.
I lowered my voice, hoping to ease some of his panic, knowing that his instinct had taken over and he was likely regretting it.
"I understand," I said gently, hoping the response conveyed just how much I understood his desire, no matter how wrong we both knew it was. I held his eyes. He didn't look away. I nodded, silently communicating with him, for once feeling like the calm, cool, and collected one.
It took a moment for him to drop his shoulders, but slowly I saw the tension melt out of him and he nodded in response. Both of us silently coming to an agreement that while there clearly seemed to be something growing between us, there was also nothing we could do about it.
"Let's get you home so you can make that dinner," I said, trying to sound natural. I pushed off the bench.
Oh yes, Shaky Legs Lou was back with a vengeance, and I had a feeling, based on the uneasy feeling that seemed to take up permanent residence in my stomach, she wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon.