Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. After sulking for nearly two weeks, I decided to confront my feelings, which was extremely new for me.
I've never been the type to act on my emotions. Even excluding the relationship aspect, I don't usually let my emotions affect my actions. I tend to bottle things up, but as you expected, there's also usually a moment where the bottle explodes, as do I. Yesterday night was one of those moments.
I wasn't expecting Harry to handle the situation as gracefully as he did. I was the one who hurt him, yet he spent most of the night comforting me. It was weird to experience.
Our relationship before last night was strictly platonic, and I hadn't realized how things could change for the better once we became more, I'd only thought about the worst case scenario, which I have a bad habit of clinging to.
I thought that after I dumped my apology on him, that he would still be upset with me. I thought that I'd hurt him too much and he wouldn't want to even be friends anymore because I know it's hard to forget when someone does you wrong. But, contrary to what I thought, he was really understanding.
I was appalled at how understanding and forgiving he was because if I were in his shoes, I would've started building more walls and tried to protect myself from the person who hurt me. Harry was the exact opposite.
He didn't mind that I'd hurt him, he only cared that I came back. He didn't care that I allowed my fears to get in the way, he was just proud that I'd overcome them. It made me see him in a new light, as if I didn't already think he was the kindest person on earth.
After I'd showed up at his house - like a fucking stalker, might I add - we sat on his couch for a while. I tried to stop crying, but it was hard not to, considering all of the emotions I was feeling. Even though I was safe in his arms, I couldn't escape my thoughts, no matter how hard I tried.
"What's wrong? You know everything's okay now, right?" he had asked, quietly but reassuringly. He was sitting on the couch and I was curled up next to him, his arms around me, and my head pressed against his chest.
"I know," I sniffled. "I'm just feeling a lot of things right now and I don't know how to really deal with it. I'm upset with myself for pushing you away, but I'm also happy that you're so understanding and kind, even when I don't deserve it-"
There was so much more that I wanted to say, I felt like I had to make sure he knew how thankful I was, but I couldn't talk over my sobbing. I wished I could control it, but there was just too much pressure in me. The bottle was exploding.
"Shh. It's okay, just let it out," he responded, stroking my hair and calming me down in the process. "If there's one thing you should know about me, it's this. My feelings for you aren't conditional. When I met you, you were this magnet that just kept drawing me in, and it was the best feeling I've ever felt. It still is," he was telling it like a story, but I knew he was being genuine.
"At the same time, we were friends before we were anything more, which you made pretty clear," he chuckled and I giggled, thinking back to the day I'd rejected him when he was only trying to be my friend.
"All jokes aside, I knew that you weren't really ready for anything else, and I was okay with being your friend, even though I liked you. So you pushing me away isn't going to change my feelings for you, I was perfectly content with being your friend forever and just never telling you," he finished, resting his head on mine.
It felt so odd to allow someone to be so close to me, but it felt so good at the same time. It was nice to be honest with Harry about how I was feeling, especially because I knew he was so open himself. I just wished it didn't feel so foreign to me.
"If you were content with being my friend, then why'd you sing Golden for me?" I asked out of curiosity. I believed him, but I also had been wondering what his reasoning was for that night. He let out a sigh, and I feared that I'd asked the wrong question.
"Well, I told a certain someone that I wouldn't disclose this information, but given the circumstance, I think they'll get over it," he laughed dryly, confusing me even more.
"So around a month ago," he continued, "I may or may not have asked Isabel about how you felt about me. I stand by what I said earlier, I was perfectly fine just being your friend, but I really liked you and I just wanted to see if there was even a possibility you felt the same way."
The thought of him asking Isabel how I felt about him was so funny to me. Not because it was embarrassing for him, but because Isabel knew even less than him.When Harry and I became friends, I had less time to talk to Isabel, meaning she didn't even know that I had feelings for him. Poor Harry was being led by the blind.
"Anyways, she said she didn't know much, but she would ask. She also gave me this long speech about how you weren't ready for a relationship, which was kind of pointless because by that point, I already figured that. But, after the night that you don't like to talk about-" he said sarcastically.
"God, please don't mention that," I laughed, thinking back to the night I was drunk out of my mind, grinding on Harry. "I never want to think about that again, it was so embarrassing."
"Again, I really don't think it was embarrassing, but whatever," he laughed. "After that night, Isabel talked to me some more. She said that you definitely felt the same, but I didn't want to tell you or force you to confront your feelings. I knew you'd have a hard time with it considering everything you've been through, but I could also tell that you'd realized you felt the same way."
"You knew?" I asked, pulling my head back and looking up at him. I thought I'd been pretty good about hiding my feelings for him, excluding the night he'd mentioned.
"Yes, but I also had a little help from Isabel with figuring out where your head was at. Either way, I was just trying to show you how I felt without being completely direct, you know? I thought it'd be sweet, but I understood why you freaked out," he responded.
The entire time he was talking, he had such a calm tone. He didn't seem hurt that I had acted the way that I did, which was a bit confusing. Maybe he was just more upset about the situation in general.
"Thank you for being so understanding," I spoke, quietly but sternly. I wasn't proud of the fact that I was the one who needed support right now. This whole thing was my fault in the first place. He didn't respond, but kept playing with my hair and rubbing my back. I never wanted to leave his arms.
I knew he was trying to be strong for me, but I also knew he was hurting just as much as I was. The song Isabel had sent me was proof of it.
After we finished talking on the couch, I was planning on going back to the apartment, but Harry wouldn't let me. I was both thankful and hesitant because although I admitted my feelings for him, it didn't mean that I was ready to be in an actual relationship just yet.
At the same time, I did like Harry and just being in his presence calmed me down. It was an argument in my mind at all times - never wanting to leave his side while also wanting to set boundaries.
We slept in the same bed that night, much like the time he insisted on crawling in my bed after our Twilight marathon. I rolled over, facing away from him as I fell asleep, trying to quiet the thoughts that were racing through my head.
I was really thankful to have Harry. He was so calm and understanding while I was steadily dumping all of my emotions onto him - I truly didn't deserve his forgiveness.
I was scared of what would happen if he wanted to jump into a relationship while I want to take things slow. What if our entire relationship consisted of Harry waiting on me to finally be on the same page as him? When would it end? Would there ever be a time where we were both content?
At the same time, I had a strong feeling that Harry was willing to wait for me - to go at whatever pace I thought was right. That made me feel a lot better, but I still had a thought worrying me in the back of my mind that he would be settling for me. He shouldn't have to settle.
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My eyes slowly adjusted to the sunlight as I awoke. I slept so well after crying yesterday, I don't think I moved once all night. I laid there, taking in the scene around me, feeling cozy and comforted with the scent of Harry's room filling my nose. I felt heavy, but in a good way.
I looked down to see Harry's arm curled around my waist. That explains the heavy feeling. I liked being so close to him, snuggling in the morning was my favorite, but I was getting kind of worried that he wouldn't wake up soon. I desperately had to pee and he was showing no sign of consciousness.
I tried to ignore my aching bladder and stared out of the window, letting a sense of relief wash over me. It felt really great to be so honest with someone. I was so used to explaining how I feel just for it to blow up in my face. I was so thankful for Harry. It felt odd to feel like someone cared about me and not like I owed them something.
I felt Harry's nose against my neck, humming as he used his arm to pull me closer to him. I was mad at myself for denying my feelings for him for so long. I could've had something like this for so long now.
"Good morning," he spoke, his voice dry and hoarse, sending shivers down my spine as his breath hit my neck.
"Morning," I squeaked in response, making him chuckle.
"How did you sleep?" He asked, his thumb rubbing circles on my ribs.
"Really good," I replied. "Your bed is way comfier than mine," I giggled. As we laughed, my stomach started growling, making us laugh even harder.
"I'm guessing that's your way of telling me you're hungry," he laughed as I nodded in response. I loved the atmosphere between us, always laughing about something. Even last night when I was crying he managed to make me laugh. "I guess I'll get up and make us something. Pancakes or french toast?" He asked.
"French toast," I replied as he crawled out of bed. "With peanut butter and bananas," I continued as he walked out of the door.
"Peanut butter and bananas?" He questioned, peeking his head through the door.
"You heard me," I laughed. "That's my favorite - peanut butter and bananas. You know peanut butter and banana sandwiches are my favorite, right?" I asked. I thought this was common knowledge.
"No, when was I supposed to find out about this?" He asked, crossing his arms and pretending to be shocked.
"I guess right now," I giggled. "Now go make me some breakfast! I'm hungry," I whined.
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Hey guys, I'm so sorry it took so long for an update!! I've had a lot of stuff going on between school and work and the holidays. I haven't had a lot of alone time to really focus on this story, but thankfully I'm finished with school for the semester!
I hope you are all doing well and thank you so much for being patient with me! I appreciate the hell out of you guys. Thanks for reading :)