I stand outside in the crisp cold air, waiting for someone to answer the door.
One would think I wouldn't have to knock on the door of my childhood home, but it hasn't felt like home for years.
I take a second to look at all of the things that remind me of good memories. Still not sure what made it all sour.
I see the basketball hoop hanging on the garage roof that my father and I used to use every weekend when I was a kid. The leaves have fallen off all the trees that scatter around the front yard. Which reminds me of the time we would rake all the leaves as a family and then play in them.
I really don't know what happened. It was just one day, a flip switched in my dad, and the kind family man turned into a regretful old man who didn't care how he treated anyone.
The door swings open and my mom greets me.
"Sweetie," she says softly "I am so glad you're here." She says hopefully, "I made your favorite birthday cake."
"I wanted pumpkin pie, since it's thanksgiving, but your mom insisted." My dad says with no enthusiasm.
My mom gives me a sorrowful look before turning to my dad, "It may be Thanksgiving, but it is also our son's birthday and we should celebrate that."
"Fine." My dad responds as he walks away.
My mom places her hands on my face lovingly, "Tell me everything that's going on in your life."
My mom is so kind. She doesn't deserve what my father puts her through. He isn't as mean to her as he is to me, but he still doesn't treat her like a husband should treat his wife.
I remember growing up, they were so in love. Always stealing kisses, being touchy feely, and making suggestive comments. All of which I was unsure what they meant when I was so little, but when it stopped I realized how important those things really were.
There are times, I still see the man that loved her, but the dad I had, is gone.
After having some one on one time with my mom, my dad joins us as we sit down for dinner and it's silent.
My mom, always the peacekeeper breaks the silence, "this is so great to have a family dinner to celebrate thanksgiving and your birthday." She offers me a kind smile.
My dad rolls his eyes, "we could do this more often, but our ungrateful son over there never visits"
I ignore his comment and continue to eat. Which angers him more.
"Well, don't you have anything to say for yourself?" He raises his voice, "your mother here worries too much about you, but do you care?!" He yells. "No, because you're too busy drinking yourself into oblivion."
I drop my fork, causing a loud sound as it hits the plate. "well, that is rich coming from you!" I snap back. "Where were you the last hour while mom and I were catching up?" I accuse. "How much did you drink?"
"Oh please!" He yells, "you don't get to blame your problem on me." He laughs. "It's not like I force that liquor down your throat."
"Stop." My mom cuts me off. "Can we please have a dinner together that doesn't end in a fight." She pleads.
As soon as I meet my mom's face I am filled with guilt. "I'm sorry, mom." I say regretfully, "I'll try."
"Me, too." My dad grumbles.
We resume eating in silence.
When we're finished eating, my dad excuses himself, most likely to drink more.
I clear the table and help my mom wash the dishes.
"I saw Suzanne the other day." She says making conversation. "She told me about JJ, he sounds very smart." She smiles.
"He is." I agree. "Every now and then I get updates and they just make my day."
"Are you and Sarah in contact?" My mom asks.
"Not really." I answer honestly. "I am on very thin ice with her. I think one more wrong move and she's done with me." I say sadly.
I haven't drunk dialed her since I found out she was pregnant with JJ which was almost three years ago. When she told me not to contact her anymore, it was a wake up call, that I needed to be more careful when I drink.
I always leave my phone at home whenever I go out and then I don't have to worry because when I get home I'm too drunk to function.
Drinking is my only way to cope.
She sends me a few updates about JJ but that is the extent of our relationship. Which I don't blame her for.
"Why would you even want a relationship with her anyway?" My dad slurs as he enters the kitchen. "Just a constant reminder of your failure."
I grit my teeth and take a deep breath.
"I mean you killed her fiancé. You killed your best friend." He says getting closer to me.
"Reggie," my mom warns.
"You should be grateful she isn't in your life." He adds "then you won't have to worry about the guilt. You don't have to pretend that you care about her or her bastard son."
I almost lunge at my dad, but my mom stops me by stepping in the middle of us.
"Reginald!" My mom yells, "that is enough!" She says with much authority. "Go sleep it off." She orders my dad.
"Shirley." My dad says like a kicked puppy.
"Now." She days firmly.
"I should go anyway. Thanks for supper. Love you mom"
"You're pushing our son away!" I hear my mom yell.
"Shirley, please forgive me" I hear my dad break down. "I love you don't be mad at me, please."
I slam the door and drive to the closest bar and choose to drink until I can't remember.
The last thing I remember is thinking, "my dad is right."
I wake up the next day with a bunch of notifications.
To Sarah: you hung up on me.
Message not delivered
To Sarah: I'm sp srry, I dnt mean anything I just said.
Message not delivered.
To Sarah: You and JJ arew not problems for mr.
Message not delivered.
Fuck. She blocked me. What did I say on the phone last night?
:::
"I know more than you think, darling." My dad snaps and looks at me with hate, the look I am used to receiving. "And I'm a little offended, son." He says looking at Sarah, "Surely, lover boy would have told you about me... his father."
I snap out of my shock and I'm pissed. I need to protect my family.
"Father." I give a humorless chuckle. "Some father you are. I haven't heard from you in over 6 months."
"Your mom sent me." He shares. "Just because we can't stand each other doesn't mean you have to ignore her, too." He says almost like he cares, "plus, she won't freaking shut up about it and it's annoying."
There he is. The man I know.
"You need to leave." I reiterate.
"No can do," he responds, "we need to have a little talk."
"Sarah, why don't you take JJ home for his nap." I say turning to her, "I can come over later."
"You're car is at my place." She reminded me.
"Oh, right. Well, we will figure it out." I reassure her.
Sarah hesitantly leaves as I walk into my apartment, expecting him to follow.
I walk straight to the fridge and get out a beer.
"Look at you, not even 5 minutes without your precious Sarah and you're already turning to drink." He attacks.
I slam down the empty beer I chugged on the counter. "You know my stance on that." I quip back.
"When are you going to stop blaming me for your alcohol dependency?" He grills.
"When you admit that I'm not the only one with a problem." I say through gritted teeth.
He shakes his head. "I didn't come here to argue with you."
"Then why did you?" I ask.
"I came on behalf of your mother." He explains. "She worries about you, and you can't argue she doesn't have a right to." He adds.
I ignore his disdain and find my Jack Daniels. I need something stronger.
"Your mother is having some problems with her heart." He informs me.
I spill a little of the whiskey from the shock and use the back of my hand to wipe my mouth. "Is she okay?"
"She's fine." He waves me off "she is having problems stress management and the doctor suggested ways we find ways to elevate some and I figured you're the main cause so here we are."
"You really think I'm the main reason she is having trouble with stress?!" I retort. "She lives with you."
"I'm doing my part." He says softly.
"Well, I'll reach out to her." I promise. "Now you can leave."
"I know when I'm not wanted." He grumbles before heading toward the door. "How do you sleep at night?" He asks before leaving. "Pretty convenient that you're hooking up with her." He accuses.
"What are you implying?" I narrow my eyes.
"Oh, please!" He rolls his eyes. "I'm not saying you killed your best friend. I am just saying that you gained a lot from it. Do you have no shame?"
"This is the last time!" I roar. "Get the hell out of here, now!"
:::
What time is it?
My vision is blurry and I feel like I'm floating.
I stare at a picture of James and me, feeling an overwhelming amount of shame, all thanks to dear old dad.
I hear the door open.
"Oh, David." Sarah says with pity as she walks in and sees my state. She joins me on the couch and her hands find my face, wiping the tears on my face I didn't realize were there until now. "How much did you drink?" She asks timidly.
"Not enough" I slur.
"Honey, there are empty beer bottles every where and an empty Jack Daniels bottle." She begins to rub my back and I flinch away.
"Don't touch me." I bark.
She recoils at my outburst. She takes a deep breath trying to remain calm. Trying to be supportive and understanding. She wouldn't be Sarah if she didn't.
"What happened?"
"A lot." I answer sharply.
"Clearly." She says quietly.
"What are you even doing here?!" I question.
"I came to check on you, I figured you would need someone."
I give a humorless chuckle. "I don't need anyone."
"You don't mean that." She says softly.
"Don't tell me what I do and don't mean." I snap before looking at the picture again. "My dad is right. We shouldn't be doing this to James. We shouldn't be together."
She ignores me and stands up from the couch. I hear sounds of bottles clinking as she starts cleaning up my mess.
I look up and watch her keep herself busy, not responding to me. "Sarah, did you hear me?" I raise my voice.
"Yes, but this isn't going to be a conversation we have when we're your pissed off your ass." She says calmly as she throws the bottles away in the kitchen. She takes out a washcloth and starts wetting it to clean the counter.
"You're in denial." I accuse as I get off the couch and make my way the kitchen. I stand across from her and lean my arms on the counter. "You actually think this is going to work between us? I say we end this before I get a chance to fuck it up."
"Like you're fucking it up now?" She asks while she throws the rag on the counter and she crosses her arms. "David, you're being unreasonable right now. We've had plenty conversations about our relationship and we agreed we were on the same page." She says frustrated as she moves the hair out of her face. "I believe sober David much better than drunk David."
"Drunk words are sober thoughts." I bite back.
"What exactly are you trying to accomplish?" She says holding back tears.
"This was a mistake." I lie.
A breath catches in her throat. "You don't mean that." Her voice breaks.
"I think I do."
"But..." a sob breaks from her throat and she puts her hand to her chest. "You said you loved me."
I groan. "You just couldn't let that go, could you?" I bark. "I told you this morning to forget that happened." I say trying to convince her.
She turns around so she isn't facing me. I move around the counter and walk up behind her.
"I. Do. Not. Love. You." I say accentuating every word through gritted teeth.
She pushes me away from her before running out and slamming the door behind her.
Pushing her away is the only way I can protect her from myself.
:::
💭 Thoughts
🧐 Predictions
I recommend listening to the song above if you want to feel the self sabotage.
GULP
Thank you for reading!
~JW