Dad and I sit in a cozy restaurant near his office. The decoration is minimalistic and tasteful— framed cityscapes adorn the dark walls, and each table has a small flower arrangement on it.
"I'm going to use the bathroom," I say.
Dad smiles, watching me as I get up from my chair and walk to the back of the restaurant where the restrooms are.
When I am in the small room, I do the same thing I've done at least ten times today — I pull the phone out of my pocket and check if there are new texts or emails. There are none.
I wash my hands under the faucet and rehearse a smile in front of the mirror. It's still on my face when I make it back to where Dad is sitting. He waits until I lower myself onto the plush chair. As soon as I do, the people in the restaurant grow quiet. Stunned, I see a waitress carrying a piece of cake with a candle stuck into it. Everyone sings Happy Birthday, and I cover my mouth with my palms as the girl approaches me and puts the platter with the dessert on the white tablecloth.
"Make a wish," Dad says and gives me an encouraging nod.
"Okay," I whisper, closing my eyes as I am trying to think about something pleasant— something different from the things on my mind. Someone different.
I decide on a generic wish about being healthy and doing well at school. Everyone claps their hands as I blow out the candle. Then, the calm returns, and Dad and I enjoy the dessert, speaking very little while we're eating.
"So, any plans later today?" asks Dad.
"My friends and I are going to celebrate at a bar on campus."
"And Mom?"
"I'll see her tomorrow. She has evening classes today."
Dad smiles slightly. My relationship with my mom is far from being easy. I am not sure I have forgiven her for lying to me all those years, but I am trying to focus on my present instead of dwelling on my past.
For the first time, Mom is trying to improve her life, too. She went back to school to be able to find a better job, and although neither of them mentioned it, I know my parents talk to each other.
We finish my birthday lunch and say our goodbyes. Dad hugs me and kisses my cheek. He stays on the sidewalk, watching me put on my helmet and get on my Harley. Pride shines through his eyes, and I know he's genuinely happy we finally found each other.
***
The crop top I'm wearing doesn't cover that much. It shows my midriff, but it looks great on me, and I can't help smiling as I assess myself in the mirror.
I'm still thin, but I did gain some weight. Annie says it suits me. Now that she's studying to be a physiotherapist, she is more into sports than before. We do yoga together, and although I was reluctant to do it at first, I started to work out at the gym.
I am applying red lipstick in front of the mirror when someone knocks on my door.
"Come in," I say.
Annie enters my bedroom and whistles when she sees me. "Look at this bombshell."
"Dork." I laugh. "I can't show up at my party not looking pretty, can I?"
"You look great," Annie says. "Kenzie and I are ready to go."
"Me too."
I swipe the fluffy brush across my cheeks and grab my phone and my small purse, checking the screen before I put the gadget away, shoving it into one of the compartments.
Annie sighs. "I'm sorry, Leah."
"It's okay. I don't even know why I thought he would remember."
"I don't know how he could forget," Annie mumbles as we pad to the front door where Mackenzie is waiting for us.
***
The campus is swarming with students. It's Friday night, and everyone is eager to party and get rid of the studying-induced stress.
The bar where we're going to celebrate my nineteenth is called The Nerd, but nothing is nerdy about it.
The music is great. It's mainly rock, but they mix things up from time to time, adding other genres. It happens tonight, too.
A song of Rebellious Hearts is playing as we make our way in. My eyes water when I realize it's the song Brian and I danced to. Just when I don't want any reminders, they find me on their own.
"It will be okay," Annie whispers, rubbing my back.
I say nothing. They say time heals, but it doesn't seem to be working in my case. My pathetic heart is clinging to the distant possibility of Brian texting or calling me, and I suffer at the end of each day when none of that happens.
It's been months. I went from understanding Brian's guilt to being mad at him. Mackenzie is okay, after all. He has to take it slow for a while, but the accident didn't leave any lasting consequences. And although Mac avoids the topic, I know he misses his best friend.
"You have to enjoy your evening," says Annie.
Mackenzie cannot drink because of the medication he's still taking, but he orders shots for the two of us.
"To your nineteenth," says Annie, and we raise our glasses.
We down our shots of sweet liquor. I hope to get buzzed enough to stop checking my phone and being pathetic.
Three shots later, Annie is kissing her guy as they sway to a rock ballad.
Brian loves that song. He kept saying that we would dance to it one day, but it never happened.
Our bucket list is in my drawer at our apartment. We made it longer as months went by, but too many things remained uncrossed.
I wanted to throw the list away many times but didn't. Getting rid of the piece of paper would mean it's definite. Deep down, I know it already is. Too much time has passed. There were many occasions and excuses for Brian to get in touch with me, but he chose not to do it.
Taking advantage of my friends' distraction, I slip out of the bar and sit on a stone bench outside. The chilly air nips at my cheeks and makes me wrap my arms around myself. I consider going back inside, but I see someone familiar walking toward me.
"Hey," I greet Nash.
"Birthday girl," he says, smiling. "What are you doing outside?"
"It was too hot in there."
"Liar." Nash kisses my cheek before lowering himself onto the bench next to me. "You okay?"
"Yeah. How was work?"
Nash winks at me. "A nightmare. I was counting minutes until the end of my shift."
"Now look who's lying," I tease. "I know you love it."
"I do, but I really was counting the minutes until the end of the shift because I wanted to see you. I wanted to see you and give you your present."
"I told you not to give me anything, Nash."
"And I chose not to listen. Happy Birthday, Leah."
Nash reaches into his pocket and pulls a small box out of it. My heart thumps wildly as I unwrap the gift.
It's a silver keyring with some charms attached to it. There's a small bike, a brain, a skyscraper, and a heart.
I look at Nash, and he gives me a dimpled half-smile. "Brain because of psychology and shit. The skyscraper because you get excited like a kid whenever you see one. No explanation is needed for the bike."
"And the heart?" I hear myself ask. My mouth feels dry. I'm not stupid; I see that Nash cares about me, but he never made a move. I guess that changed tonight.
"The heart is because I've never met anyone like you."
There's a pause. I look at Nash, and he smiles. "It's true. You're beautiful and smart, and I know you can have any guy. Hell, I think I haven't asked you out until now because of it. I'm not the best one there is, but if you agree to go on a date with me, I will make sure it's the best date you've been on."
"Do I have to answer now?" I ask, studying my gift.
"No. Answer whenever you're ready. Just text me a yes or a no. No pressure at all. If it's a no, I will still be your friend. Okay?"
"Okay," I whisper, and Nash grins as he hops to his feet.
"Come on; let's go inside. It's your birthday. You can't spend it freezing out here."
I accept Nash's outstretched hand and follow him into the bar.
***
I had fun. I had more shots and listened to music. I laughed at Nash's jokes and danced with Annie.
It was a good birthday, but he didn't call.
I twirl the keyring in my hand, sitting on the windowsill in the living room. The apartment is dark. Annie and Mac are asleep, and I know it's almost four in the morning.
The city looks different at night. The traffic isn't that heavy. I am staring out of the window, looking at nothing in particular, when Annie's door creaks open, and she walks up to me.
I make some space for her, and she sits by my side.
Annie picks up the keyring I left on the windowsill, and the dam breaks.
I sob.
"Leah," Annie whispers, drawing her arms around me.
I bury my face in my palms and let it all out — the pain, and the sadness, and the disappointment.
"You're miserable," Annie says as I rest my head on her shoulder and sniffle.
"I know."
"You cry yourself to sleep every night. We know it, Leah. Kenzie and I aren't blind. It hurts me to see you this way."
"It hurts me too. He didn't call, Annie. He could have texted or sent an email. Why am I such a doormat? Why do I still think about him? Why do I still love him?"
"It's not easy." Annie hugs me tighter and sighs. "I need to know something."
"What?"
"Did Nash ask you out? That's a thoughtful gift he gave you. I'd say he likes you."
"He did, and he does."
"What are you going to answer?"
"I don't know," I say, wiping the tears off my cheeks. "But I can't go on feeling this way. I can't keep having false hopes. It hurts me, Annie."
"He's our friend, but so are you. I don't know what Brian is thinking, but he's causing you pain. Love isn't supposed to hurt."
"I know."
Annie kisses my temple. "Whatever you decide to do, we are going to support you. We aren't going to be mad if you go on a date with another guy. It's your life, Leah. You have to think about yourself."
I nod, and my friend leaves.
The apartment is silent once more. I close my eyes and remember. I remember Brian's smile and his kisses. I remember our date, the small restaurant and the hot air balloon. I think about our first time and my first love. My heart breaks over and over again, and I cry, clutching the small kitten I still have on my neck.
But then, the morning comes. The city wakes up from its restful sleep, and I take my phone again.
There are no texts or calls.
I take a deep breath and open the messaging app.
With my shaky fingers, I type, Yes.