[AN:
First of all, I updated the Prologue, adding there all the characters' specifications (Martha's and Master's will be added in the future). I'll repost here just Alec's, so... let me introduce you to him!
Warnings: the first part of the chapter will be about Daphne's past with Alec. As you can already tell from his description, his story is pretty sad. There's a death scene that may upset some of you, so skip it if it makes you uncomfortable.
Songs: "The One That Got Away (Acoustic Version)" by Katy Perry (biggest inspiration for this chapter), "Hurt" by Christina Aguilera (this song kills me every time), "Carousel" by Melanie Martinez.]
DAPHNE'S POV
˜ FLASHBACK ˜
The first time Alec arrived at the brothel he was just 15. His father wanted to introduce him to his job, to secure his position and future. Very thoughtful of his, if it wasn't for the fact that he had just brought a little lamb in the lion's cage.
Alec was already tall for his age, but he kept growing in height until he was almost 6'0. And yet his body stayed pretty slender and delicate. It quite matched his sweet features and manners. Alec was the purest soul I've ever met in my entire, albeit short, life.
At first, he just had to take care of the few horses and carriages the Master possessed. Animals didn't quite like the Underground's environment, so Alec and his father were the only ones allowed to go on the surface to go for a ride or escort the Master somewhere.
He wasn't authorized to talk to us or even enter the brothel: us girls were off-limits. But, eventually, we found our ways to meet him. There weren't many nice and young people around the building. And as good-looking as him.
Nina and I weren't on the same page about Alec. She used to bully him all the time, calling him whiner or pussy. On the contrary, I've always known he was one of a kind. And to be honest, he was so nice that even the Master started to like him and became more indulgent with him. That's when he softened and I formally met Alec for the first time.
I remember that one of my first training with my Master's goons didn't end well for me. I had bruises and wounds all over my body and face, and I couldn't even stand up properly. I don't know what I was expecting, they had never been the kindest.
However, long story short, that day I was a literal mess and as I was trying to pull myself together, I crawled to the nearest place, looking for some water and rest: the stable.
As soon as Alec saw me, he ran towards me and started stuttering anxious and incoherent phrases. He took care of me and since that day, after each training he would have waited for me to spend some time together, talking, playing with the horses, walking around the building, or just enjoying our company, in silence.
We tried our best to not get caught as we treasured those moments together just for ourselves.
"So?? Did that scrawny ass boy have the courage to kiss you this time?" said Nina, when I entered the kitchen. "What the fuck are you talking about, Nina??" I promptly replied. "Daphne! Pretty please, stop swearing..." complained Abigail "Well, did he proposed???" then added full of curiosity. "WHAAAAT?? EXCUSE ME???" I shouted.
"Oh, c'mon Daphne. it's so obvious that even Sae-jin got it!" screamed Ruth walking in the room. "Don't pull me in. I don't give a damn about what she does with that poor boy..." calmly stated Sae-jin, leaving the room and dragging away with her Eve, who as usual was not understanding much.
Sae-jin was always so avoidant. But how could I blame her? The girls could get pretty annoying sometimes. Well, always.
"Ok, now I'm losing my patience..." I sighed "You're totally misunderstanding the situation. Alec and I are just good friends" I declared. "I couldn't care less how you call each other. Friends, brothers, potatoes..." started again Nina, now reaching for Ruth, who instantly intercepted her gesture and sprinted to sit on her lap.
Nina was always too casual when it came to those things. Whenever we were alone - which happened very frequently given that we were almost inseparable - she used to tell me: "They told us what to do with our bodies, but this..." she pointed at my head "... and this..." and then at my heart "are only ours, or of those to whom we choose to dedicate them".
I knew she was talking from experience. Among us, she was the best at faking the whole thing, the clients loved her, but she was nobody's property but Ruth's. And vice versa. "Remember doll, loving and fucking are two different things... Well, if you find someone who can give you both, then... Lucky you" and then laughed out loud.
I never fully grasped what she meant. At that time, I knew so little about relationships, love, desires, but I wanted to know more, to learn more about myself, my true self, the one I couldn't talk to anyone about.
Eventually, I figured it out in the oddest way: the thing I despised more than anything else, sex, taught me the most about the others, myself, and my relationship with others. So little could be hidden to two naked bodies, two stripped minds. But that's a lesson I learned only once out of th brothel, years later.
But still, at that time, love was only a mysterious word in Martha's stupid fairytales, in Chadia's past affairs she used to tell us about, and in Nina's mischievous hints.
"Girls... Geez, we didn't kiss! And never we will!" I stated, getting nervous. "Ok, one more week. I bet tonight tips" whispered Ruth in Nina's ear. "Deal" said Nina. Abigail chuckled watching my frustrated reaction. Those were our little innocent moments. Just the calm before the storm.
Eventually, that day arrived. I knew Alec had a crush on me, but I always avoided thinking about it too much, until that day. I was hanging the laundry on the rooftop of the building when Alec came to me mumbling some nonsense. "Alec, are you high or something?" I teased him. He frowned making a hilarious puppy face. He always looked so innocent even when he was angry.
"N-no. No, please Daphne, let me finish" he said. "Boy, you didn't even start" I laughed. He couldn't stand my attitude anymore, so he rushed towards me, making his way through the bright blankets swaying in the air. And there, hidden by their motion, he stole me a kiss.
He immediately took a step back. One kiss gave him enough courage to say, all in one breath: "I like you, Daphne. I like you a lot. I liked you since the first day I saw you through the window. And I think I'll like you forever..."
I blinked, unable to say a single word. I knew I liked him too, but I could already tell the difference between our feelings. And I believe he knew that too. Since I couldn't stand lying to him, I didn't say anything and I just hugged him tightly.
I knew that wasn't love, but Alec always made me feel safe and understood, so I swallowed my indecision and gave it a try. I was so young and naive.
I used to sneak out at night, climbing down my window, to meet him at the stable. I was always the one who initiated every make-out session and Alec seemed to appreciate it, but he was already content with my presence, he simply enjoyed my company. Instead, I craved to be touched by him, by someone who cared about me, for once. I craved it like I was starving and avidly trying to figure out something, someone. Probably myself.
We successfully kept it on the down-low for more than a year. When I turned 20, he surprised me with a gift: a knife, with a capital D he personally engraved on the hilt. I couldn't stop thanking him, when, at some point, he came up with "I know you can handle yourself, but I want you to be safe. Whatever happens".
"Alec, you're such a party pooper. Don't be so dramatic, I'll be fiiiine. But still thank you so-". "No, Daphne, you don't get it" he interrupted me "Trust me. Things are taking a turn for the worst. The Master is getting himself into... into some deep shit". "Alec Reed. Did you just say the s-word??" I sarcastically added. But his face was so serious I almost got scared.
"Things are about to go down, Daphne. Please, carry this thing with you... Oh, I almost forgot about it. Here, I also made this" he said handing me a short leather belt with a little pocket designed for the knife. "You can put it around your..." he coughed "...thigh".
His little speech literally gave me chills and I desperately wanted to change the subject, so I seized the moment. "Oh, well... since you thought about this belt on my thigh..." I seductively said, raising my skirt up, exposing my leg "...Why don't you show me how you imagined it" I suggested.
He almost choked at my words, causing me to laugh out loud. I hugged him once again, thinking that the heavens had sent him to me. I kissed him on the cheek, thanking him again, and then I rushed back inside since our little time was quickly coming to an end. But his words stuck inside my head for days, weeks, months, until his prophecy took place.
My last year at the brothel was nothing but a sequence of tragedies. One day Eve found Chadia's lifeless body and after a couple of months, Sae-jin and her lover, Colton, were brutally murdered by the Master, who found out about their complot against him. Tabitha was given as wife (well, sold) to an unknown client and at some point, Abigail started to act quite strangely around me, almost avoiding me.
That chain of catastrophes ended with my worst nightmare: Alec's execution.
One night, after climbing back to my window, I found two guards waiting for me in my room. One of them quickly grabbed a fist of my hair, shoved me down to the stairs and then dragged me to the back of the brothel. And there I saw them.
Alec was on his knees and around him stood other guards in a semi-circle. I tried to call Alec but he didn't seem to even notice me. His eyes were fixed on the ground, his hands behind his back and his body shaking. "Alec, what's going on..." I murmured again.
"Oh babygirl, you know what is going on..." my Master's voice echoed behind me. His filthy hands caressed my skin, from my collarbone to my chin, as he spoke again "Boy, look up, look up at me when I'm talking". Alec immediately obeyed. His face was swollen and his eyes glassy and red. "Alec..." I whispered in disbelief, shaking my head.
"See? You see this?" The Master said brushing his index along my cheek and then fiercely grabbing my jaw "This is my property... Everything here is my property... I trusted you boy. But I think you've bitten off more than you can chew". "No... No... Please no" I whispered as tears streamed down my face. He was right: I knew what was going on.
The Master nodded and all his little dogs moved quickly, obeying him. A second just before that, Alec's lips moved to tell me something that I wasn't quick enough to catch. Soon the Master's goons were over him, ruthlessly punching and kicking him.
I started to scream and as soon as I tried to move forwards the Master fiercely grabbed me, blocking my arms behind my back and holding my jaw in Alec's direction so tightly he was bruising my skin. I fidgeted in his grip and while I was sobbing uncontrollably, he whispered in my ear "Oh no no no, babygirl. I want you to watch this veeeery carefully... I want you to learn a little lesson today... Nobody touches what's mine".
I couldn't stay still in the Master's hands. I couldn't stand that view anymore but he was so massive and definitely stronger than me at that time. On the corner of my eye, on the left, I saw a couple of other guards holding a man: Alec's father. His face was stoic, his body firm. He didn't even notice me: he was "watching carefully, trying to learn a little lesson that day".
When they were done with Alec, the Master let go of me and my body fell heavily on the ground, exhausted. Alec was left on the ground, lifeless and alone. His dad immediately walked away as I crawled to Alec's body, calling his name softly "Alec... Alec... ". My hands stood in front of his black and blue face. I didn't dare to even touch him like I was in front of something unreal.
Words seemed to get trapped in my throat and my mind completely blanked out. I don't know how much time passed, but at a certain point, a sweet voice whispered in my ear "Let's go, doll...". I immediately sensed Nina's strong hands lifting me and carrying me up to my room. I desperately clung to her body as we made our way back into the building.
That night I did learn a lesson: The Master would have paid for all of that. But revenge is a dish best served cold and the night I escaped from the brothel I left my sister Abigail Alec's knife: just one knife wouldn't have been enough for my plan.
˜
Trying to not think about Levi's lips on me was impossible. Even if I promised to myself to cut him out of my mind, that night I allowed myself to repeat that scene, that feeling several times again in my head until I went numb and fell asleep. I felt helpless against those thoughts and I let them get the better of me. Just for tonight...I thought.
Another day came and I told myself that that fantasy wouldn't have left my room, it would have died there within its walls. As soon as I see him again, let's make things clear before anything else happens. Confident, I went straight down to the cafeteria, but Levi was nowhere to be found.
On the right corner of my eye, I sensed Mikasa, shily waving at me, and Sasha energetically gesturing me to join them for breakfast. "Where is Eren?" I said at some point. Well, where is Levi? I actually thought. "I was thinking the same thing..." mumbled Mikasa. "Maybe he's just with the captain and his squad, or with Hange" suggested Armin, trying to comfort her.
I decided to use that spare time to practice my future speech in my mind. "Levi, let's stop making out in the kitchen. Ok, thank you for your kind attention, bye". No, this is absolutely ridiculous. I sound like I want to make out somewhere else. Oh, breakfast is over. And as I got up from the table I kept thinking of some other smarter alternatives.
"Levi, don't you ever kiss me again". Are you sure you want to say that, Daphne? asked that annoying voice in my head. Sure. Absolutely. "Levi, don't come closer to me ever again ". Okay, maybe that's a bit much. "Levi, stop...". And as my feet unconsciously followed the others into the hallway and my mind wandered looking for other excuses, I sensed a presence behind me and a hand grabbing my left arm.
Then, suddenly, a warm breath tickled my ear, saying: "When you're done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I'll wait for you". Levi. I instantly froze, unable to take another step forward, and my lips slightly parted, as if I had just seen a ghost.
As soon as I felt that presence moving away from me, a cold shiver ran down my back. He never failed to make me feel so fucking helpless. I turned around and saw the Captain join the rest of the squad, going in the opposite direction. Among the soldiers, I saw Eren, who waved at me and thankfully woke me from that momentary paralysis.
"When you're done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I'll wait for you. When you're done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I'll wait for you. Meet me at the stable. I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you". Stop, stop, stop. STOP. This must end now.
When we arrived in the classroom, we were greeted by a couple of team leaders standing in front of a huge green board. A few steps from them Commander Erwin Smith was waiting for us all to take the seat. As soon as he got our full attention, he started talking "Cadets, welcome. Before class starts, I wanted to carve out a moment to talk to you".
I looked around quickly. Everyone seemed completely fascinated by Erwin's words. The only thing I could think of, looking at him, was a huge fucking obstacle, the wall standing between me and my true freedom. "The next expedition will start in less than 48 hours. I hope no one wants to pull back at this point" he lightly laughed, looking at the other team leaders.
"I hope not... especially since I hope that each of you will understand your invaluable value. Each of you is a key piece in this plan. Each of you is a key piece in the victory of mankind over titans. Your life and death will have meaning far beyond human understanding. Sacrifice your hearts for mankind".
I only needed those 10 minutes in his presence to truly understand Commander Smith. It wasn't just his always right choice of words, his statuesque physique, or the charm of his reputation. No. It was his aura. It reminded me of the same feeling Levi gave me. They were men of power, because they emanated that power, in their gestures, in their gaze, even in the tone of their voice.
At that point, if Commander Smith had ordered me to make him soup, I would have made it on the spot. "Well, my time is up. See you at the departure, soldiers," he said, looking at us with severity and pride, and then, after our salute, he left.
Shortly after, the squad leader Ness took the floor. He was in charge of making a general explanation for the expedition. He clarified the main goals, the equipment and the distinction of the different colors of the signal flares, and other basic rules. In the afternoon, the various units would have more information from their captains on their position and strategy.
I did my best to concentrate but Levi's words still echoed in my head. "I'll wait for you".Commander Erwin had not hesitated to mention our possible - and statistical - death during the mission.If I don't want to die, I'd better listen more carefully.
Wrong move. Erwin's speech had a whole other heaviness than Levi's vague hint. It was life or death, and at that point, I no longer knew which one of those damn two was driving me nuts.
After the lesson, I immediately went to the stable. Look at you, what are you? His puppy? So obedient... Look at you wagging your tail... teased me a voice in my head. I wanted to confront Levi about the other night, now more than ever.
Once at the threshold of the stable I couldn't see anyone and so, I entered the shed starting the monologue that I had prepared before.
"Look, Levi, I don't have much time to waste... Levi. Where the hell are you... Levi? Are you here?" I have a bad feeling about this. While I was still calling his name, at a certain point someone called mine: "Daphne?". That was definitely not Levi.
Eren jumped out of a corner and I instantly froze. Then he added, "Here you are! We were waiting for you," and so I turned around. Behind my back, the whole - I repeat, the whole - Levi Squad was preparing their horses. Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Among them, Levi was staring at me with his hands on the hips and the smug look of someone who seemed to have just won a bet or something. As if that wasn't enough, in addition to that temporary shame, seeing Levi after that kiss was just torture. I could still feel his hands and the icy peppermint aftertaste of his breath all over me.
Once I found a crumb of courage, I managed to simulate a shy salute.
"So how did it go with Commander Smith? Did he scare you enough?" Petra asked me, laughing. "Yep" I replied. "C'mon, get a move on," Levi said harshly. I looked at him, quite confused. "I need to talk to you all about the expedition," he added.
"Oh, wait, Captain! Before we go..." Petra started talking again "Here, Daphne, from now on this is yours!". She handed me a green cape with the wings of freedom on the back. Once I wore it, Petra said: "Wow, green is definitely your color, Daphne!"
I looked around and immediately saw Gunther saying, almost blushing, "Indeed. It looks really good on you, Daphne". Then again, I felt that familiar feeling of being watched intensely. I slightly turned my head to intercept Levi's reaction, who was checking me from head to toe. I don't know what I'd give to know what's on his mind sometimes...
"Yeah, sure" Oruo muttered, rolling his eyes and jumping on the saddle. Eld gave me a nod and followed his comrade. The others joined them and then I heard a trot getting closer behind me. Levi was walking towards me with two horses beside him.
Handing me the reins of my horse, he silently approached me, with his usual composed expression. So, I started to say, "Look, Levi, first...", but he immediately interrupted me: "What is it? Were you expecting a romantic rendezvous with me in the stable?"
"No" I quickly answered in a frustrated tone "First of all, I'm sorry for calling you by your name... I didn't know-". "I couldn't care less" he interrupted me and then walked away. "HEY! I'M NOT DONE TALKING!" I shouted back at him. He immediately turned around, looking at me wide-eyed, quite surprised by my tone.
"Secondly..." I coughed "I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night in the kitc-". But Levi didn't, again, let me finish the sentence, and getting practically under my nose he said: "I think you were pretty clear about it. We shouldn't have kissed, right?".
I didn't know what to say and Levi knew perfectly well how uncomfortable he was making me. He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows as if he wanted a quick answer from me. (Poorly) faking a bold attitude, I gave him a wide smile as if to confirm his insinuation and so I began to exit the stable.
But just when I was a few inches away from him, Levi started talking again: "I'm sorry Daphne, I really can't do this". I couldn't tell by his tone if he was sad, serious, or almost angry when he said those words. "Me neither, Captain," I told him, showing off the most impassive face I could do, and so I went out, without looking back.
When we reached the others, we set off, riding for a good half an hour. Once we reached an isolated place, we got off the horse and Eld began to explain to us the strategy for the expedition. Our position would have been in the rear. Our only goal was to protect Eren.
"I have reason to believe that Commander Smith is hiding something from us... like a second target of the mission," Eld suggested. "Are you doubting the Commander?" Oruo tried to insinuate. "I'm just saying, there's a good chance this mission is just a test. A simulation to see if it is possible to reach the district of Shiganshina" Eld declared, instantly interrupting him.
While the rest of the squad seemed to discuss it without much concern, Eren and I were visibly confused. So, I turned around to look for Levi. I needed some reassurance. Meanwhile, he had been on the sidelines, caressing his horse's mane, enjoying the light breeze of that day. He caught me staring, turned his face and with his lips mimed a "What are you looking at?". This man...
Soon after, Eld specified to Eren and me that those instructions were absolutely confidential and no one outside of our squad should know Eren's position. We both responded with a firm nod.
Back at the base, Levi coldly dismissed us saying: "Well, that's all for today. If you want to continue your training, the courtyard is at your disposal. Tomorrow, enjoy your day off. We will meet the day after tomorrow, at dawn, before departure. You can go now"
I looked at Levi one last time. So that's it? That's really it? I thought.
That night and the whole next day I did my best to escape Levi. At meals, I tried to avoid his table, and I dedicated the day before the expedition trying to make be more friendly with the other soldiers. "Be more sociable," you said to me that night, right? So, I'll do my best, Captain.
After dinner, I was invited by Eren to spend some time together with the other before the departure. The concern for the next expedition was getting heavier and the mere thought of having to socialize more hourse did nothing but make the situation worse. So, I went to the kitchen to get a cup of chamomile tea. I needed to calm down.
LEVI'S POV
I started to believe that castle was haunted for real. That damn kitchen reminded me of those few but indelible memories with Daphne... and yet after a restless wandering in the halls I found myself there again, on the doorstep looking at her as she stared out of the window.
I watched her take the pot from the stove and pour it somewhere, maybe into the cup she supposedly had prepared before. I started to make my way into the room, trying to come up with something reasonable to say to her.
As soon as I got close to her, Daphne turned around. "Captain" she saluted me coldly and then left without adding anything else, holding in her hands the fuming cup. Say something, you idiot, I ordered myself. But nothing came out.
As soon as I realized I was alone in the room a growl of frustration slipped out of my mouth. Damn it. But maybe it was a sign for both of us to forget about what happened between us. Nothing. It meant nothing.
Then, looking up from the ground, I noticed something strange on the cabinet: another fuming cup, placed on a tiny tissue, on which my name had been written.